Is it just anxiety?

[Kitty1380]

I dont know where to start. I never use to worry, i was always happy and i was the person everyone came to for advice and support. Now i just cant seem to get back to that happy place and i dont know why. I think its anxiety though im not sure. People tell me its just stress but it wont go away. I know i get worked up when i have to have things done on time or if im under pressure though its got to the point where i feel like i cant handle a simple conversation because i get misunderstood or irritated. When i try and explain what im feeling i cant, and i get told that i should know whats wrong but i dont. I think its a mixture of things, work, home, past experiences, current events, and the expectations i have on me. I dont want to sound like a martyr but its getting to the point where im thinking what the hell is wrong with me. Today i was on the phone to my Fiance and i just burst out crying and i couldnt tell him why, i didnt know why. I have no reason to be unhappy, though i just cant seem to slow my brain down. If i think things may go wrong i freak out, now its not the kind of freak out that i let everyone see it....its internal. Its got to the point where i have had to leave work a couple of times because i just cant stay there with my thoughts. Please Help, my father has skitzophrenia so i know its highly possible that there is a possiblity of me carrying on the genes.

I need to add some more because as im thinking im realising there is more to my stressed out state. I can become so overwhelmed by certain thoughts that i think of suicidal things i think at times it would be easier because my thoughts just dont stop and i feel as if im going to lose my mind. If someone, ie my mother is in one of her drunken states and yelling at my grandmother i see in my thoughts me going and pushing her into the wall to make her stop. I would never hurt anyone in my family though, these thoughts are so quick and i dont want to just snap. If anyone has experienced the same i would greatly appreciate hearing from you.

Edited December 22, 2008 by Kitty1380

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Kitty1380,

Welcome to our community. I hope you find lots of support here.

It sounds like you are worried, anxious, stressed and a little depressed about a lot of things. You report that your father has schizophrenia and it sounds like you are worried that could happen to you. How old are you? I can suggest that if you are really bothered about the idea that you could have schizophrenia, you could see a psychologist or psychiatrist and find out for yourself. Lots of people do that just to assure themselves. It's always scary when a parent has the illness. However, after a certain age, about 25 years old, if you do not have it by then, it is unlikely you will ever have it.

There are lots of things to do about stress and anxiety and you could look those up in our self help section on this site. There are things like meditation, muscle relaxation, exercise, etc. Also, it never hurts to see a psychotherapist.

What do others think?

Allan:)

[Kitty1380]

Thank you for the warm welcome Allan.

I have done a bit of reading about the chance of me also having skitzophrenia and have read like you said that if you do inherit it then you would know by mid 20's. Im neally 29 and i dont think i have any of the symptoms of skitzphrenia though what i was wondering what the chances of me having some other disorder due to my father having those genes?

Im to the point where i dont want to go to work so i have been having time off and i have withdrawn from alot of my friends because i just cant be around anyone. I feel weird and when i cant explain how im feeling i feel even more strange so i just further avoid people. This morning i woke with my heart pounding for no real reason, i tried to gather my thoughts to pinpoint what it was and the only thing i could think of was work. The thought of having to face people or deal with customer problems (which for the last two months there have been alot of) makes me cringe and has got me to the point where i could just quit. I know i cant do that though because it would just make everything worse. I know my best option is to see a pyschologist though im a little worried about them giving me any tablets for what they feel might be wrong. I had a doctor tell me i had anxiety and gave me some Cymbalta (Duloxetine), it was the worst experience i have ever had from one tablet. I do admit i could feel it fix my thoughts, like if i thought of something bad my reaction wasnt anything....i was just calm. Though it felt like it intensified my anxiety so much, i couldnt sleep and i was sick twice. Then i guess when it was wearing off i felt even more like an emotional wreck. I know i have to see a doctor to get to the bottom of it though its really good to talk to people that know where im coming from and not feel like an outcast. Thank You

[finding my way]

Hi Kitty! Thanks for sharing your experiences with us. It does sound like a psychologist could help you sort out some fears from reality with those concerns. Tell him/her about your reaction to the meds too. I wouldn't think meds would be a requirement. Keep exploring this site and sharing with us.

It does seem that dealing with people can be the last straw when you are suffering on the inside. Yet being with people who understand and are also suffering can have such a positive effect. Funny, isn't it?

[Kitty1380]

Hi Finding My Way,

Thanks for what you wrote and yes you are very right. I have a lot of ppl say that I can talk to them though it really isnt the same as talking to someone that has been through it or is going through it. I had my partners father ask me why i was upset, at first I said it was just work because i had that hesitation about letting everything out. The he used these magic words, "You can talk to me." There was so much strength in him saying that then someone just asking what was wrong. It was weird though it was like they were unspoken words of "I've been there before, ill understand." From there i was able to let some things out like i have on here.

Work is the hardest, people can see the way im changing and they ask how im going. I have this strange way of acting when ive closed up and im having a moment with the anxiety, i really become like a mean person...cold and rude and i cant help it. I guess its like a defense thing, because i dont want anymore to deal with. Anyways, what im writting today is kind of whats coming to my head. I dont think i have a point, just letting some junk out.

Thanks

[finding my way]

What you say sounds familiar to me! I withdraw when I am overwhelmed, and at times I know it is quite rude. There are many options for dealing with being overstimulated. Maybe you can explore some when you are off work, like meditation for example. I plan on doing something like that right now, before the company rolls in and I stress out!!!

Edited December 28, 2008 by finding my way
mispoke

[Kitty1380]

Yep its kinda strange isnt it, its never us causing our own anxiety. I had a massive wake up call last night though and at a time when i thought i would be extremely worked up i was quite calm. My grandma was having real trouble breathing and my mum was trying to get her to stay calm, i went in and did the same. She started getting worse and as weird as it was my mum looked at me as if to say, "What do we do?" It was weird but it was like i was watching myself in a movie and all the steps i took and how i was acting and feeling. I called for an ambulance and told them what was happening, i felt extremely calm which really blew me out. My heart was racing a tiny bit obviously because i was concerned but nothing like it does with everything else. I still at this moment am trying to work out why. Is it because my brain realised that there was someone else here i should be so much more concerned for? Once we were at the hospital i was feeling even more composed. Two hrs passed and my mum wanted to go out for a smoke, so we did. When we got back my grandma was to the point she was neally on her last breath, noone had looked at her. I told my mum to get someone while i held my grandma up so she could get some if any air. The doctors all raced over and realised she should have been looked at as soon as she came in. It ended up she needed a blood transfusion because her blood count was down to 58 when the normal is around 120. Why was i so calm, i didnt freak out in anyway....yet what i see now as small things like work make me react the way they do? So strange and confusing.

I think like you said your going to do, ill try some meditation. Ive been trying breathing exercises and they seem to be helping a bit. If only we all had a switch to turn our brains off every once in a whlie, would be wonderful!

[finding my way]

Kitty could you be a nurse and don't know it yet? Wow, that did not phase you at all, and you were so needed in that moment! I hope your grandma is OK. Maybe part of your anxiety is not being in the place you really belong at work. Mark or Allen said somewhere in this site that who we are emerges out of our relationships with people. If our dealings with others are only stressful, that's not a good self identity to have. If our dealings with others put us at the heart of what really counts in being alive, and shows us we have talents we didn't even know we had, that's a much better sense of self. Somewhere along the line I discovered I was good with kids. When I'm working with them they get my complete attention and it is so easy (for the most part) for me to see what they need and how I could help. I went back to school and got a job working with kids. The work is very difficult and stressful, but it's like your hospital experience, it doesn't cause the self-anxiety that I get in other situations (not at all!). Strange!

re: meditation-- that's exactly what it's supposed to do, turn your mind off. From what I understand it isn't about trying to silence yourself, because the more you try to do that, the more you can't. It's about not attaching your attention to that chatter for awhile and instead gently placing your attention on your breathing, or a growing plant, or something else in nature. Somehow doing that adds to your bank of calm.

Btw, I enjoyed my company yesterday very much, so that was a nice surprise.

[Kitty1380]

Its nice to hear you enjoyed your own company. I was alone most of the day also, yet i tend to find these days i get really restless. I flit around the house, finding things to do when i use to love having naps during the day when i had time off. I cant now, my body doesnt let me. When you said could i be a nurse and not know it yet it made me wonder. I have known i am meant to be in a field of helping people in some way, though i have never thought about being a nurse. When you said that i thought, wow i was really detached to the point where my mind was clear and i could see straight and think logically. Being with people for the most part is something i have always loved, even where i work atm is something until a few months ago was completely fullfilling. I know my job well and it was satisfying being able to help, when the company changed our computer system, we lost both our manager and assistant manager and i was left in the drivers seat to run the place and train all the new people coming in. Mind you with no extra pay or promotion in anyway, so that also adds to my frustration. I thought like you said about what Mark and Allan had said was what i was finding in this job, its obviously not the case now. People intriugue me and i love personalities and seeing why people act the way they do, i thought psychology or some form of sociology. I also can read about medical things like ailments and diseases for hours and not get bored or distracted. Working with kids was something i have also thought about too, though i worked out that wasnt my path. I must say you should be proud to be able to work with kids because i understand how stressful it can be having so many nieces and nephews myself. My grandma is doing better, when i seen her last night she had finished her second lot of blood and they were just monitering whether she would need some more. She is such an inspiration to me, so strong and tough for 93 and makes me realise i should be happy for how i am. I have never heard her complain once and she is so witty and vibrant..even in the toughest times. Shes the first to make a joke when she is hurting, i know now its to distract us from worrying about her at all. Shes beautiful. Do you do any form of mediation? And thank you so much for talking with me, its such a relief to be able to just write and know someone is listening and will write back. Im interested in whats happened to you, i actually still have that part inside me that when i talk i stop myself because i feel i may be neglecting the person im talking too or im complaining. I feel good when i feel like im helping in anyway.

[finding my way]

I can so relate to this:

"when the company changed our computer system, we lost both our manager and assistant manager and i was left in the drivers seat to run the place and train all the new people coming in. Mind you with no extra pay or promotion in anyway"

I've been going through something very similiar, training 2 new people, doing their job plus mine (it will take them a long time to be independent), and no extra pay of course. It is so stressful!!! I found myself saying things I don't normally and not liking myself for it. And the muscle tension! Yeesh! So even a good job that fits you well can turn awful if there's too much of it. These days we have to be thankful to even have a job! Definitely tough times.

I've been experimenting with different kinds of meditation. A friend took me to a special yoga class that was on chanting "OM" and it was pretty interesting because it was a CD with a real Indian mystic explaining how to do it and what it means. Having that background really helped. The effect of those sounds toning your body is very calming. You have to be in a situation where you can make those sounds though!

Just attending to your breath going in and out can also work, and you can train yourself to count 8 going in, hold for 2, going out 8, hold for 2. If 8 is too much do 4 then work your way up. There's some info in the self-help section here on meditation & relaxation. Jimmyfay2 says somewhere that it's totally impossible to feel anxious with a completely relaxed body. I would like to get that way at least once to know what it's like !

[Kitty1380]

Overloaded is definately true! Its great to be able to talk to someone thats going through the same thing. I like you have started saying things i didnt like saying either. I become really sarcastic and just sound like i have a bad attitude all the time, and thats so not me. I have been working in that company to work my way up to the assistant manager, though now i dont want it. I got so frustrated at the fact that i have been doing that job aswell as the managers and got no recognition for it. Then the new manager comes in knows nothing, gets trained by me and gets paid 20,000 a year more than me? So thats why ive had the cranky pants, i mean i even got to the point when he asked me how to do things i kind of avoided it because i was so angry. I had a day off sick and our area manager says "How does she expect to get the assistant managers position if shes having sick days?" That was the final straw for me, i cant let them sap me of everything and get nothing back for it....they will continue to walk all over me. Very stressful indeed.

I did some more breathing yest, and just 15mins of it made me feel better. I looked up the forms of meditation and i found Zen Meditation where it concentrates on the breathing mostly. Im also going to try what you said because i know that will help also. My sister does yoga and she said that it feels so great afterwards. Im going to have to try and make some time and go to some classes.

Another thing i did yest too was started taking Flax Seed Oil again, the tiny bit i had with my dinner has already done wonders because being a girl i suffer bad from PMS. So that doesnt help with the anxiety. Oh the joys of being a girl. Lol I snapped at a few ppl yest so i knew it was time to look further into everything thats happening with my body.

On a funny note, i was trying to lighten the mood with my man yest because hes really stressed too. So i said "Maybe i should become a buddha and learn some of their crazy techniques?" (crazy meaning its amazing how they do it)

He sighed and said "No dont do that, your already crazy enough!" Lol

God love him.

Hope your days good!

[finding my way]

"cranky pants," that's a good one!

I looked up Chapter 6 in the self-help section and went to the "autogenic" site: http://www.guidetopsychology.com/autogen.htm

Now that would be an interesting project! I wonder if it works....

I agree, nutrition is key too. I'm trying to increase the amount of raw foods I eat. Those little fresh enzymes are important, and we don't get enough of that.