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Am I a mental abuse victim?


ladykera
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Hello everyone. My name is Kera and I am new here. I was looking for a place that I could talk to people that understand what I am going through. I am trying to figure out if I was recently a victim of mental abuse. I just told my husband I wanted a divorce because I couldn't deal with the way he was treating me. On a daily basis I had to hear how I didn't dress nice enough, or how I am fat, or how whatever I did that day wasn't good enough. I started to feel worthless and very unloved. Every time I tried to talk to him about it he would either leave or yell at me or act like I deserved it for some reason. Is that mental abuse?

Right now I am feeling a deep sense of loss because my marriage is over, but at the same time I am a bit...I don't know...lighter. We sleep separately now, and I barely speak to him so I don't have his negativity in my face everyday. It's nice. We have children so I tried talking to him about getting along (not in a relationship) as parents. I'm not sure how to do that because a part of me wants to hate him for how he's been treating me. What should I do?

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Hello Kara, welcome to the community. Clearly, your relationship with your husband is strained due to his disrespectful behaviour towards you. You were right to address his behaviour, and to try to convince him to stop. But, even if your husband does not stop disrespecting you, your children will understand that their father's behaviour is not an example to follow.

One option is that you can sign up for marriage counseling with your husband. This will allow you to try sorting out the disagreements in the presence of a counselor who can keep the conversation respectful and focused.

Edited by kaudio
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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Kara, sound soung like your having a similar problem that I am. My wife is verbally abussive. I have asked her to try and watch what she says before she says it but it never stops no matter what. I have threatened to walk out several times I even left for a night and went to my parents. Its like they never have any thing nice to say or they expect you to always say nice things to you but never return the favor. I think I feel your pain. You need to find in your head who is important to you. Tell your self that you like the way you look. You like who you are. The most important person in your life is you. when you love you, then you can love everyone else.

Edited by Karl13
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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Kera,

Welcome to our community.

Yes, you have been treated abusively by your husband and, even though divorce is very painful, it is your best hope for a happier life. Verbal abuse, if left unchecked, turns into physical abuse sooner or later.

Do you have an attorney. I suggest you get one and learn your rights. Trying to speak to your soon to be ex husband is not the right strategy until you are represented and guided by an attorney.

Normally, I would agree with marriage counseling but you are way past there now.

Karl, threatening to walk out without meaning means little or nothing to those who abuse. What about really walking out?

Allan

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The night i went to my parents i brought the police to my appartment so i could gather my things and they saw the type of person she is and she couldn't stop her mouth and even threw a picture frame at me and got a ticket for disturbing the peace. They were going to take her to jail but as they took her down to the police car she went into a panic attack and had to go to the hospital. Was i in the wrong for not feeling sorry for her? I felt like finally someone sees what i see and what i go through. The only way i really know how to take care of the problem is to beat the snot out of her but i know that is wrong. I have never layed a hand on her but i have been sooooo tempted to. The next day she wanted to talk things out and for me to tell her what i think she is doing wrong so i tell her and she doesn't want to hear it and she tells me that i have the problem. i have also posted a thread under Bipolar cause i hold gruges for long periods of time. But that is a different story.

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Guest ASchwartz

Karl,

In my opinion a person cannot be wrong for how they feel. It's just the way you feel or don't feel. All things considered, who could blame you for not feeling sympathy for your abusive wife?

And, no, do not hit her, not ever and not for any reasons. You do not want to go to jail. Do not give in to the temptation. Who knows, maybe she is trying to provoke you into hitting her so she can put you in jail?? You never know!!

What do others think?

Allan:(

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This must be a tough ordeal for you guys. But like what had been mentioned above, you know your rights and alternatives, I (personally) wouldn't want to stress myself out being a martyr for an abusive person. Also, I think verbal abuse is far worse than physical abuse per-se because verbal abuse is attacking one's self-esteem (physically abused people usually experience both), I don't think I can stand waking up every morning with an abusive person.

Perhaps your wife needs help as well? Maybe she is projecting her feelings to you.

Oh, good job for not hitting your wife. From what I've been reading, the United States is a very litigious country.

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Karl,

In my opinion a person cannot be wrong for how they feel. It's just the way you feel or don't feel. All things considered, who could blame you for not feeling sympathy for your abusive wife?

And, no, do not hit her, not ever and not for any reasons. You do not want to go to jail. Do not give in to the temptation. Who knows, maybe she is trying to provoke you into hitting her so she can put you in jail?? You never know!!

What do others think?

Allan:(

I think there could be provocation there because abuse is a projection of someone else's emotional baggage onto another person to take responsibility for, and hitting her even thought I understand the temptation, in the end you've really owned her abusive projections in the ultimate way. I agree with you Allan about a person not being wrong for how they feel, but don't become the scapegoat for someone else's abuse by acting out those feelings onto the abuser.

Edited by FlowFreak
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I guess my biggest ordeal is that she can wake up in a good mood and after a while or so it just comes out of no where with accusing me of have a girlfriend or putting me down with retard, nerd, or geek or in an argument she likes to attack my manly hood by saying its small or I can't make her happy. But I haven't had complaints in the past but for some reason I think its is that how she gets in my head is why I have trouble performing cause she even went as far as calling my ex-girlfriend because she was mad at me and thought I was cheating, and said something about I cant last in bed, but my ex was surprised because I used to be able to reach 1-2 hours with her. But with my wife she is so demanding at times and thinks she can control me I think I have all her badgering stuck in the back of my head I just can't do it anymore. Then if there is a time I am starting to build up stamina again she will orgasm then have a leg spasm and that blows every out of working on my problem with her. She even got a book off of our pastor that had a section for exercises to help build stamina. She got on me every day to read it and I finally did but after I did there was an exercise for the two people to work on and when I asked her to go work on it she just sat there and said she didn't want to. So if you don't want to give me the support to help satisfy you in bed then I will just keep doing what I do and she suffers.

Edited by Karl13
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Guest ASchwartz

Karl,

Would your wife be willing to join you in going to Marriage Therapy? I am assuming that she would refuse seeing a therapist for herself. Yet, a lot of people will go if its family or marriage therapy??

Allan

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Yes she is going to the marriage counseling to because i say its her and she says its me so I think we both want to go to see who is more wacked out, LOL. I know it's not funny but I think it is coming down to bragging rights of HA HA its you and not me. I swear she doesn't even realize half the stuff she does, but than again i think its just too much pot. Would that be the problem an angry pothead or at least she can't remember but yet she says she remembers everything but i have heard stories change so i dont know if it is just how she remembers it. No I dont smoke my job is too important besides it isnt the same as in high school.

Did you read my other one under the "Bipolar" discussion?

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Hi Karl

Here we are again LOL!

Yes I did read your other one in the Bipolar Thread. And!

I know it's not funny but I think it is coming down to bragging rights of HA HA its you and not me.

You've got to laugh sometimes? Because if you don't then you will cry LMFAO!

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