Help for my husband's denial of problem!

[melisnb34]

I just found this sight as I was searching the web for signs of addiction etc. My husband was recently discovered to have stolen over $13,000 from our account. Hundreds of dollars at a time have been taken> With some snooping, I found many text messages that leave little doubt that he has a drug problem. I have also has people tell me that he has been seen running out to a car in my driveway to grab something and running back in etc. All of the evidence and behaviors are there. When I accused him he told me I was paranoid and crazy as did his family. I feel so frusterated and lost. I HAVE NO DOUBT OF HIS ADDICTION. He was kicked out of the house 2 nights ago and I told him he'd have to admit whats going on before he can come back. Has anyone ever known anyone who just never admitted a problem. I think this may have been going on for years beginning as a way to treat chronic pain. Is there any hope?

[paula]

Hi Melisnb24

You will find that anyone who has an addiction with anything will not own up and confess that they have a problem?

You have done the right thing in trying to get him to own up to his addictions! This is just the beginning? If left un-noticed, then it could of been worst! He could of got, and can still get, that addicted, that it could come to the stage as to robbing people, even yourself, of what you have that is of worth some value, to pay for his addiction?

Obviously, this is of some concern, if he wants your relationship to carry on? He needs to get it under control before it's to late? I suggest that you confront him and tell him to get help! If he is addicted to any form of Illegal drug, then he needs to go into Rehab to get him weaned of these drugs!

Until he owns up and admits he's got a drug problem, then there's not much you can do? Also, he's got to want to come of these drugs that he's taking Illegally?

His first steps is, to actually own up to this problem of his? Then to break all contact with these people, that he's getting these drugs from?

Good luck!

[xenophon]

You will have to call him on it.

basically,

you have three options:

take action and try to change the situation.

accept the situation.

leave.

Try the first option first.

The second and third option can always be done later.

It will not be easy. Your husband's behavior and illogical and destuctive.

Turning him around will be hard.

[melisnb34]

Thanks for both responses. This is the hardest thing Ive ever gone through. My husband is blaming me for ripping aprt our family for "nothing" He strongly denies a problem and I think He will allow our marriage to end rather than come clean about his lies. I am so hurt and shocked that he would lie to me, someone he supposedly loves more than anything. This is terrible. Thanks again.

[paula]

Hi Melisnb34

Don't be so hard on yourself!

My husband is blaming me for ripping aprt our family for "nothing" He strongly denies a problem and I think He will allow our marriage to end rather than come clean about his lies. I am so hurt and shocked that he would lie to me, someone he supposedly loves more than anything. This is terrible. Thanks again.

Drug Addicts will never admit that they have a problem! Until they can no longer carry on, without help? Destroying everything in their path along the way!

Persons dependent on drugs or alcohol may have any or all of the following problems:

• Induced chemical imbalance
  
• Genetic chemical imbalance
  
• Social and psychological problems
  

Depending on what drug he has taken, there are some tell tale signs to look out for, but don't necessarily always occur:

• Enlarged pupils
  
• Acne or chapped lips
  
• Needle marks on arms
  
• An underweight or undernourished appearence
  
• Hyperactivity
  
• Violence
  
• Argumentive
  
• Unpredictable tendancies
  
• An inability to concentrate
  
• Reason
  
• Remember
  
• Insomnia
  
• Paranoid or delusional behaviour
  

Like I mentioned previously, all depending on what drug he is taking, and this is only but a few signs to look out for?

Hope this helps

[melisnb34]

Yes, my husband has some of these symptoms as you listed. He sleeps much of the time he is home and doesnt help me with any responsiblitoes at home. His moods are highly unpredictable. He avoids social situations........

I am convinced he is on some kind of pain pills(oxycotin). He has dealt with chronic headaches for years and I told him Id understand and help him get off of this if he comes to me with the truth. Unfortunately I think youre right about not ever admitting it. Despite all he has done he is now telling me and his family that it is me he cant live with etc. He is starting arguments with me about anything and everything. I look at sites on addiction all the time now and ive read that one of the strategies addicts use is to cause these distractions and chaos to avoid their issue. Problem is, it is really getting to me. Ive got major anxiety and stomach upset etc over this. Im a teacher and have to be able to act normal all day ad this stress is making it so hard. I think I have to just allow him to leave and tell himself and his family whatever he want about why. Its very frusterating but what can I do? I dont know why losing his family would not be rock bottom. I continue to catch him in a web of lies. Its really unnerving. I agree that this is in part a mental illness as well as physical. Thanks. I look forward to any feedback I can get. I may need to join some kind of support group to deal with my frustration and anger over this. Im in disbelief!

[Proverbs31:28]

I am sorry you have to deal with this. I think you did the best thing for you and your family, though. I can't speak to all addicts, but, from my own personal experience, I am divorced from a man who had a different, yet equally strong, addiction. He, too, squandered money from our account, which he hid by skipping mortgage payments and car note payments- basically rearranging what he would pay. He even quit a job to stay home and "enjoy" his addiction and hid this as well- getting up everyday pretending to go to work and once I was gone, he would return home for the day! I had given my X several warnings, throwing him out twice only to let him come back home. Once I made up the decision to do it for good, though, I stuck by it. To this day, he still denies he has/had a problem (he has never gotten help, so I assume still has it) YET, at the same time, he put up no fight when I demanded that our visitation order specify that he has no overnight stays with our kids unless his parents are present the entire time! (He lives with his parents, now.) That to me is the closest thing to an admission I'll ever get!

I pray this is a wake-up call for your DH and that he realizes what he has to lose. My best advice is to stand your ground and be willing to help if he will get help but he has to make that decision. One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was that if you draw a line in the sand be willing to stand in front of it!

[melisnb34]

Thanks proverbs 31:28. It feels so nice to hear from someone who has experienced this same terrible thing.i too have children and i am wondering how i should go about the whole visiting rights situation. Being that he denies his addiction and i have no hard evidence for court i hesitate to bring this in to the mix. I am also afraid of bringing danger to my family because one of the people he has been "associating" with is apparently a dangerous person to get involved. My ex is also with his parents right now so this makes me feel a bit more secure. Proverb, did you bring the addiction to court and if so what came of it if your ex is still denying any addiction?

[Proverbs31:28]

Proverb, did you bring the addiction to court and if so what came of it if your ex is still denying any addiction?

No, we never had to go to court. I had actual evidence (and he still denied it!) and he knew I would bring it out in court, if need be! He basically agreed to everything I wanted without fighting. We did a "consent judgment" which means a judge did not decide the issues, we did. I would think if you have phone calls and missing money, that is at least circumstantial evidence. The dangerous guy he is associating with- does he have a record? If so, I'd ask the court to stipulate that his friend not be allowed around the children.

I know its rough right now, but hang in there. As hard as it was for me to make the decision to leave, I know it was the best thing I could have done for my kids.