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Thought I got over it, but I'm back in the SPS hole.


DatDude90
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I have nothing better to do at the moment, so I figured I'd post here. Well, I had a really nice stretch of truly not giving the slightest shit about my size. I've just been working, going out with friends on the weekends, and working on my pick up game with the females.

But recently, I thought is was a good idea to look for opinions on my size. A couple of negative comments, and here I am, thinking I'm too small to serve any type of useful purpose sexually, victimizing myself and asking "why me?"

I don't expect much to come of this post. Just needed to vent my inner feeling of shittiness.

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I go through the same thing. It comes and goes. Unfortunately for me it has progressed. The "why me" thoughts have become "why live" thoughts. Everyday I contemplate suicide. Every single day. Some days it seems like the only relief I'll ever get. I stupidly ask the same questions. However, I ask in person. And I always end up right back here when I get the answer. No amount of reassurance or consoling will ever be good enough. No matter how much a woman tells me she doesn't care after she tells me I'm on the small side it'll never make it better. It matters to me.

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good thing i don't have that problem... i think.

I don't think anyone has the fear of death...you didn't exist for the first 12 billion years and same will happen when you die. Whats there to fear? I guess if your into religion bullshit scarring you into haven and hell cartoon crap...but idk i'm not into that fairy tale. I think most people are afraid of the actual pain and process of dying (I have the same fear, suffering sucks...), its not a very pleasant process and in some cases VERY excruciating. Actual death I think is a relief from this crappy pointless life...imho

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I used to think I didn't fear death, and that when my time came I'd leave happily. However, I suffered a pretty nasty injury about 2 years ago while doing some manual work, and lost a shit load of blood. I was absolutely frightened of dying, and all I could think was "It's too soon, I haven't lived my life yet". It's when I realised that no matter what my preconceived attitude towards death is, my survival instinct will kick in when faced with the actuality of it.

well it ain't too soon for me. i'll gladly give you all the years i have left, and the doll too ;) , if you want. the problem (or non-problem) is that i know i don't have any "life" to live, just a miserable existence all the way, and i seriously can't tolerate another 40-50 years of this hell.

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Fair enough, maybe deep down you really would embrace death if you found yourself in a potentially life threatening situation. Sometimes, we surprise ourselves and act in ways we never believed we would. Instincts are a powerful thing, and you sort of go into autopilot when they take over.

if i left it to god, he'd probably keep me "alive" indefinitely, so i'll probably never "find" myself in an "existence threatening" situation, unless i take matters into my own hands. my biggest fear is a failed attempt, as you might already know, killing oneself isn't as easy as you might think.

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i don't have the guts to perform certain acts, not for fear of death, but some other reasons (some of which i'm not even aware). i can't use knives, razors, etc., i can't jump off buildings or cliffs, i can't jump in front of a train, and so on. i used to think that i could easily use a gun, since it's painless and instantaneous, but years ago i discovered i can't do that either. but i know for a fact that there are certain methods that i'm definitely willing to try, including ingesting stuff. fear of botching is certainly a major concern for more than one reason: 1- with certain techniques, there could be serious and permanent consequences if one doesn't die. 2- feeling trapped. to elaborate, i consider suicide as a way out, and a failed attempt takes away that option; do you know what i mean?

another main factor is my limited access to certain materials and substances, i mean you can't just buy cyanide pills on amazon. that said, i am working on something.

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i know you're not encouraging me, just a discussion about reasoning etc..

i concede that some of the things you say make sense, specially the gun thing, which was a huge surprise to me, and i really let myself down; i could've end it all right there and then, and spared myself a great deal of subsequent agony. i didn't wanna admit this on the forum, but i did attempt (at least once) using a certain substance, but after feeling nauseated and vomiting for about two days, nothing really happened, and i still don't now why. it's possible that the vomiting prevented the proper absorption of the substance, or maybe something else, i really am not sure. but what i do know, is that my next attempt will be better planned, and ideally, i'll bypass digestion and metabolism altogether.

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i get the gun thing completely. i also sat somewhere somewhat secluded and kept trying to convince myself to pull the trigger, but i couldn't. i hated myself for not being man enough to end my misery with one move of a finger. from that point onward, i partly blame myself for what happens to me, because i had the opportunity, and i blew it.

Today, everyone is a blowhard, die-hard, badass motherfucker, and everybody says they're not scared to die ("bring it on, bitch, you think I'm scared of you??"), but they use physical harm and death as intimidation. Such hypocrites. And I think, for the most part, this is true. 1- Nobody really, deep down fears death. I think what makes it so disagreeable to people today is that it is a direct attack on their precious ego. Death means you have lost, especially if you die by someone else's hand. I think that's why people fight so hard for life, to prove they are a winner. It always comes back to that duality. People hate to lose more than they hate to die.

2- So I don't know resolute. All this to say that I don't think you should kill yourself. Something stopped me at the time, something keeps me here now. Obviously, there is something in this life that still ties me to it. Fear? Perhaps. Am I a coward? I don't think so because I have always stood up for myself to everyone, if only out of spite. It's a sad dilemma, and one which there may be no answer, but only a decision. You have vitality and spunk, so I think you could make a life for yourself if you wanted.

1- i've got to disagree here; i think many people do fear death for numerous reasons; some are evil and know they'll be punished, or at least fear the possibility of punishment. some just have a good life and don't wanna let go. and so on.

2- firstly, thank you for saying so. but secondly, when you say "you could make a life for yourself if you wanted." you forget that even though i have nothing but misery, i'm unable to live a pathetic tedious life -which many people can tolerate- either. the kind of life i "can" live, however, is not on the table.

p.s., i'm glad you're still with us too.

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