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Husband is mentally abusive


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I am at my wits end - my husband has gradually got worst over the years...he is not outrightly abusive but just an odd word or gesture here and there which he knows will annoy me. This is my second marriage and he refuses to accept my son so in the home - he will not speak to him and would avoid him at all cost. He will not allow my son to have friends round and the one occasion I challenged him - we had an almighty fight which left me exhausted. My son is with me and only goes to see his Dad occasionally and my husband keep insisting I should forced him to go to his Dad whenever possible. My son is 15 years old and although he does not like my husband - he has learned to ignore him.

My husband too have a son from his previous marriage - quite the opposite he wants me to spend time with his boy (who is an adult) and even suggested a holiday away with his son (without my son of course). I told him I cannot go on holiday as the dates do not suit as my son is in school and he said I am a pathetic mother and should just leave him at home on his own. He thinks that I am over protective and at 15 he should be left on his own. Whilst I always encourage independence - I will not be at peace going on holiday for a week leaving him home alone.....that will be neglect no matter what anyone says.

Can someone please shed some light into this and tell me 'Is it me?' He had attempted to hit me once and later blamed me for provoking him...thankfully he has never done it again.

He tells me everything is my fault and yet I have asked him to leave but he refused and I dont know how to get him out. He is very clever - he can pull wool over most people's eyes....behind close doors he is very different.

I will just like some advise on how to deal with this.

Thank you.

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Like I mentioned in my other post, I am not familiar with the American Laws.

Going of the UK Law, that if there is a dispute, and her husband has abused her or her son, then she has a legal right to report him to the Police and have him arrested, but she has to press charges!

She could ask for a court order, but again, that is only if he is causing some form of danger to her or her son. Other than that, she could also go to a Solicitor to start divorce proceedings, where as she could either buy his share of the property, or ask him to buy her out?

If she's a tenant, then there's not really much that can be done? The police or anyone she files her complaint too, would surely say that it is a domestic, and they have to sort it out among themselves, unless either one, seeks legal advice?

Sorry I couldn't be of more help?

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Hi Brooke, welcome to the community. I am sorry to hear of the difficulties you are having with your husband. From your post, it is clear your husband is bullying you and your son. Domestic violence, even the threat of violence, is intolerable; but, the task falls to you to uphold your family dignity as your husband is not doing his part. So, I suggest that it should be explained to both your sons that the examples your husband is setting is wrong. Certainly this will not make anyone feel better, but respect is a value forged in practice. If your husband makes petty remarks and gestures to annoy you, call them out by describing what he is doing. Tell your sons, teach them by his example, but do your best not to antagonize him. Remind them that the world is a big place, and there are many people just like your husband: weird :rolleyes:. Your children may have their own adjectives in mind, but ideally they should not learn to antagonize their father either. In doing so, you can help guide your children to adapt to their father in a positive way, and to avoid his failings. Further, without antagonization your husband may be able to sort his own issues which motivate this disrespectful behaviour you describe without irreparably alienating the family.

As finding suggested, perhaps some form of counseling will help. But, if your husband becomes increasingly violent, then you need to consider bringing in the community in a more direct fashion. There are helplines for domestic violence, and you can call the police whenever you fear for your safety or that of your children.

You are always welcome to share your thoughts here with us.

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Hi Brook

The only rights I can give you are, the laws and your rights that apply in the UK! But these may give you some idea's of what you MAY be able to do?

These are the Law and Your Rights, that apply in the UK!

If you are living together but you are not married, or in a civil partnership and your relationship ends, there is no need to take Legal Action to formalize the separation. However, there may be issues concerning children, property and money to sort out. This can be done either by informal agreement or by a written separation agreement between you. If you and your partner cannot agree, a court can order who should stay in the home in the short term and can also transfer a tenancy.

If you or your partner are married or in a civil partnership, you can separate by an informal arrangement.

If there is agreement between you and your partner, you can make arrangements about children, money, housing and other property without going to court, However, any informal arrangement made when separating, may affect future decisions if you do ever go to court. A court may overturn an arrangement made by a couple that it considers to be unreasonable or, in the case of a child, not in the child's best interest.

A separation agreement is a written agreement between a couple who intend to stop living together, setting out how they wish to resolve the issues of money, property and children. Any couple can draw up an agreement as a way of resolving and confirming the arrangement they have come to.

Examples of the agreements you may want to make include:

  • to live separately, If one of you does not agree on separation, the agreement should not be included, as it will prevent any future right to sue for desertion in divorce or civil partnership dissolution proceedings.
  • not to molest, annoy or disturb the other partner.
  • to provide maintenance for the other partner. This would normally say that maintenance will stop if the partner starts to live with someone else.
  • to provide maintenance for any children of the relationship.
  • with whom the children should live and have contact.

The advantages of a written agreement is that it is easier to ensure that you both understand what has been agreed. It also means that either party can go to court to vary the order at a future date.

Judicial separation: Is a court order which releases the partners of a marriage from the obligation to live together in the same way as a divorce. The order does not dissolve the marriage so neither partner is free to remarry or enter into a civil partnership.

There is a lot more on this issue, but I feel that this would be adequate enough to see if there was anything that you could do?

I hope this was usefull?

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  • 3 weeks later...

Welcome to the community I my self have anger issues that i try to deal with my wife. Not trying to tell you what you should have done, but if he didn't show any intrest in your child you really shouldn't have married him. He is a husband, husbands can be replaced your children are your children forever!! My wife brought a daughter into our relationship and she just loved how i took an intrest in her. I now play video games with her i check her homework when i get home from work no matter how exausted i am. Sometimes i think i stay in the marriage just to give her daughter a chance. My wife and daughter where living in her brothers basement when i met her. Everything hit off nice in the begining but i think we jumped into marriage to quick. I would say counseling most definitly. If he lays a hand on you lock yourself in another room and call the police. Or give me a call so i can take out my anger on him with a good ol' US Army butt kickin' LOL no but seriously, at what ever cost protect your children. YOUR CHILDREN ARE YOUR CHILDREN FOREVER!!

Edited by Karl13
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