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[AndreaB]

Hi all I'm 24 years old and I've been battleing depression for a year and a half now. I'm currenlt on medication and I see a thrapist, but I jump on and off my meds. I'm trying really hard to stay on them and to stick with my therapist. I feel like I'm alone all the time. I isolate myself from people. I don't have many friends and I don't really know how to make any. I joined this forum to talk to people that won't judge me because people who aren't suffering from depression don't understand. I hate my depression. I feel like it defines me as a person. It's like Hi I'm depressed and my name is Andrea. I don't like feeling like this I want to be more active in life. I just can't find the strength to do it. I feel invisible all the time like no one cares and no one loves me. I don't love or like myself. I wish I did. I remeber how I was before the depression. I wasn't very outgoing but I didn't isolate myself. I'm going through a tough time with school work and I'm in the process of moving so it's so much. Last night I wanted to kill myself. The only person I can seem to trust is my boyfriend but he seems to pity me and my family doesn't understand. I take care of everyone, but me. I'm last a very selfless person. I want to love myself and feel like my depression doesn't define who I am. :confused:

[serenitynow]

Welcome! You made comments that I can certainly relate to. I agree with you that most people who don't experience depression have a hard time understanding. I usually hide it for that reason. I want to pummel the next person who tells me to "just snap out of it" .... that isn't as easy as it sounds. I also think you hit on something so true by your comment about taking care of everyone but yourself. When we neglect our needs, we suffer terribly. I have spent my whole life taking care of others and giving them advice, but I can't seem to apply it to myself. It is draining. And, it catches up to us so we turn all the anger and misery inward and that seems to lead us to this point of depression. So much for being saintlike!!! At least we are admitting how we feel and trying to take action in changing. That has to count for something, doesn't it? We can also say we aren't in denial....we do admit it and want to work on feeling better. But, I certainly don't think depression defines who you are....I think just the fact alone that we are seeking help means we WANT to be healthier and truly experience the joy life has to offer, not this misery we are plagued with. We just have to figure out how to do this..............???????????????

Edited January 7, 2009 by serenitynow

[Mark]

I take care of everyone, but me. I'm last a very selfless person.

Andrea,

Can you talk more about being a selfless person and about how it is easy to take care of others, but not yourself? I wonder if this pattern in your relationships is related to how you are feeling. Why is it that you take care of other people but not yourself? Do you have any thoughts or ideas about how this came to be?

Mark

[paula]

Why is it that you take care of other people but not yourself? Do you have any thoughts or ideas about how this came to be?

Yeah, I can relate to that. Its called giving and not getting back!

Doing what you can to help someone, only, when its your turn for someone to help you, where is everyone? "HELLOOOO!" Get what I mean?

[AndreaB]

I'm not sure why I can help other people, but not myself. I guess it's because I don't love myself. I don't even like who I am . I don't even remeber loving myself. Before the depression I was a people pleaser. I believe I may help other people because I don't care for myself and if I help them maybe they'll love and like me. Maybe they can find something to love about me that I can't. I live all of my relationships like this, people take advantage of me and I'm aware of it, but I don't seem to care as long as there's people out there that pretend to love me. I'm talking with my therapist about learning to like myself. I'm really trying it's just hard. Thank you everyone you're post did help me. I'm trying to remeber that "Depression doesn't define who I am as a person":o

[finding my way]

What kinds of things do you like to do AndreaB?

[AndreaB]

I like to read write and watch tv. I also like to serf the internet. How about you>

[poetdowns]

Well you've learned a lot of stuff pretty quick. Aye, people who have never suffered from Depression will NOT understand; you might as well be from Mars. Let them pass by and find people who at least have the qualities of compassion, caring, and sensitivity.

(For what it's worth, i learned to stop saying "depression" 'cause people translate that into the ordinary, regular feeling of depression. I make a point of saying "clinical depression"; they may not know what i'm talking about, but it tells them i'm talking about something different)

You are not a Depressed person called "Andrea". You're a young woman who suffers from a medical condition. You are more than the sum or the symptoms of your illness. And you need to really know that, 'cause the ignorant won't.

"In terms of functional impairments and the performance of the tasks of daily living, only chronic cardiac disease was comparable to depression." -JAMA

Worldwide 1 out of 5 people suffer from Depression and 20% of those will suicide.

Poet

(You have serfs? How large is your fiefdom?)

[finding my way]

Hi AndreaB! Sometimes these posts get buried in the pile of many posts...but I found you. I like nature quite a bit. Nature has a spirit and soul that breathes right along with us and is always there, even when we are completely oblivious. If I can slow down (or speed up, as the need may be) and tune in to the movement of the wind, or the play of my cat, or tune in to the quiet sounds and sights while going for a walk, I can feel transported and renewed. I also like art, music, and learning something new.

I have grappled with mental health all my life it seems and have lost count how many therapists I've seen. They have mostly been worth it though, and I am grateful for all I've learned. I hope you are finding some things here that challenge you in a positive way, and keep posting!

[paula]

What I would do Andrea, is see whether the friends you have already got, are your friends and Don't just say they are your friends by pitying you?

As I've matured I've learned that it's less important to have more friends, and more important to have real ones...

One thing to remember... Mental illness isn't anyone's fault! all you can do is accept the fact that you could always have it... Treated with medical help, it can be controlled. Treat it the best way you can and go on... It's not the end of the world. It's just a new start to a new beginning...

[serenitynow]

Andrea....I was just thinking of you and how you take care of everyone but yourself.....I am now getting ready to take my daughter back to college because her holiday vacation is over. This experience is always so devastating and frightening to me, because as you said, we don't know how to take care of ourselves. I just want to take care of my family, but when they leave me (as they should) to venture out, I feel a big empty hole in my heart and I grieve and suffer terribly. That, to me, shows that I can't seem to nurture myself and don't particularly want to BE with myself either. When I am left with just me, it is lonely and fearsome and everything seems pointless.

Andrea, do you, too, have these feelings of devastation? I try so hard to be involved in other things and I never neglect my responsibilities, but it is an excruciating effort and my heart is constantly heavy. I just feel that people who are so selfless are doomed to suffer if they can't find a balance. I truly hope you can find some balance and save yourself years of suffering. Do for YOU whenever you can.

[AndreaB]

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR KIND WORDS.

Poetdown that was the nicest thing someone has ever said to me I appreciate it so much!!!!!!!

THANKS!!!!!