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Snow Blind (trigger)

Ralph

Entry posted by Ralph

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Thursday scored a gram of coke impulsively. Friend who I did it with last time said he was getting a bag did I want one too. I weighed the pros and cons, and clearly this would not be a good idea. My response, "I'm in, how soon can I come over?" The whole time I'm waiting my conscience is like, don't do it don't do it don't do it... except I knew that if I didn't I would just be obsessing over it for weeks until I broke down.

Shoved the whole bag up my nose over the course of the night and went through over a liter of vodka. I know this because I ended up going out to get more after killing the first bottle and made a little tick mark on the calendar for each shot that I poured. I miss being able to wake up and remember how many drinks I took.

This is not my normal behavior, and it was a dangerous amount of drugs given my current tolerance. Spent Friday coming down off the powder and wondering if I was having a heart attack at the same time. My hangover from the vodka just started... ouch.

Looking back this had nothing to do with fun. This was a suicide rehearsal. I'm training myself to overdose so that I won't think about it and chicken out once I've decided to do it for real. Coming down though, I thought I was going to die, and I wasn't too happy about it. Not that I wanted to personally live but that I felt guilty for being selfish. What if I had died - would my friend feel responsible? How could I do this to my boyfriend?

Why is a dangerous question to ask though. There is always more than one way to look at it. Possibly god was trying to get my attention, or I was trying to reach god by flirting with death. Either way, it seems like it worked. I saw a few things that could be real or not, but seem real to me. I have a hard time putting it in words though since it comes out sounding wrong.

The best I can say is that I'd been confused about what to believe, when everyone claims to speak for god but then they all disagree and end up killing each other. So far it looks like God doesn't make demands. That stuff about god being jealous looks like an error to me. How could perfect love be jealous? How can the organizing principle of the universe become angered, or feel disrespected? That is human projection. God is characterized in the Bible as some sort of imperial conqueror (King of kings/lord of lords), but also the bible says god is love. What I've learned from this experience is that I can either tune that in or tune it out. It's my choice.

You'd think the choice would be obvious, but it's not. Otherwise everyone would always do the right thing. It's a big responsibility to have a soul and sometimes it feels overwhelming trying to care fore oneself let alone others. So we run away, and then regret it and come back for as long as the lesson is remembered, then forget and run away again. Luckily, love is also patient. I would like to be more patient with myself.

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pseudome

Sounds like you've been having a rough ride...

Personally I don't put any stock in religion and don't intend for that to change--it just doesn't make rational sense to me. But I can respect that other people find comfort in it.

I had some thoughts I wanted to share on self destructive tendancies though, as this is something I've been working on lately. Earlier this week my therapist gave me an excerpt to read about self directed injury or hate as a coping mechanism. Basically the gist of it was that it was an addiction just as alcoholism is. I don't know that the parallel quite made complete sense, but the idea was that it had to be abstained from and there would be a period of things sucking worse before they'd get better as a result.

I'm a fan of inflicting mental and physical pain and injury to myself. It's practically a reflex at this point. I've spent the better part of today resisting the urge to cut and have been paying close attention to my thought processes and what I've come to discover is that self injury really is a defense mechanism, just as is the want to call myself an idiot and a whole list of demeaning names. It's what I do to feel safe. It seems like the logical choice is to not do it as it is visibly destructive, but not doing it is fucking frightening--and for no rational reason that I can really see.

I had a point here....might have forgotten what it is....can't seem to think coherently at the moment...if I remember, I'll come back...

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pseudome

...so I've come to the conclusion that I may have had one of those epiphanies that isn't really an epiphany, but rather a re-realization of something obvious that somehow feels new and full of wonder...

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Ralph

Self injury is addictive because the act releases endorphins. Also if one feels they deserve to be punished, then self punishment allows them to discharge that guilt and I could see how that might be a coping mechanism, but I would guess it's more complicated than that.

Self hatred on the other hand, I'm still trying to figure out why people practice that. At this moment I think it's to keep anger directed inward so that we don't do something worse; i.e., I better kill myself before I hurt someone who doesn't deserve it. Yet this assumes that anger can only be discharged through somebody being injured and I'm not sure this is true.

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pseudome

I always feel like you are far more intelligent and insightful than I am. I usually just read your blogs, and stare for awhile as I drool on myself, then wander off as I have nothing useful to say.

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Ralph

I'm glad if someone finds it useful. I appreciate the comments, but yeah I also read other people's blogs and sometimes I want to help others but I feel too screwed up myself to presume I could be of use to them.

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Musicman
I'm glad if someone finds it useful. I appreciate the comments, but yeah I also read other people's blogs and sometimes I want to help others but I feel too screwed up myself to presume I could be of use to them.

As I told you a few days ago, you're actually the reason I stuck around here. I was ready to throw in the towel and just leave. So thank you for that :P

I didn't know you did any hard drugs...

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pseudome
I'm glad if someone finds it useful. I appreciate the comments, but yeah I also read other people's blogs and sometimes I want to help others but I feel too screwed up myself to presume I could be of use to them.

Well, you're welcome on my blog anytime. You don't give yourself enough credit, in my humble opinion.

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Ralph

You're welcome MM. At the time I was trying to give advice I thought my addiction was under wraps and I could pay it forward so to speak by passing on the help that I had gotten. Even though I cannot seem to take my own advice I still know that basically my behavior is to cope with being socially isolated.

However you have made some massive progress so please keep doing what works for you.

My main addiction/drug of choice is prescription pain killers; don't know if that counts as a hard drug or not. They are hard to afford though so I use alcohol as a substitute. This was only the 4th time in my life I took coke and definitely the first time I sat down and blew a whole bag just to see if I would OD or not. I feel like such an idiot for touching that stuff though.

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