JaiJai

Haven’t been on in ages, but I read your update, now a year old, and it was nice to hear how you’re doing. Hope things continue to go well and you guys are happy. Indeed, weathering the current global situation with a steadfast partner, certainly is a blessing. Take care.

Great phrase. I best start looking.

Not that it's a particularly noble way to approach it, but I felt like University was a game. Give them the answers/opinions they want to hear. Sadly, it doesnt really expand your mind and beliefs or give you whatever it is you may be most interested in attaining with your higher learning.... it's much more of a means to an end. Hope the next semester is better for you. Take care..

Hey guys, Wanted to stop by and wish you all a wonderful Christmas/ holiday season. Hope that you're able to spend time with family and friends and treasure the little things, the happy moments, the peaceful and quiet times, the tranquility of nature or a gentle snowfall. Although I've been absent, I think of you often, and hope you are well. I will touch base in the new year and see how you're adjusting to your new president... ? Sorry, that was a cheap shot. I can't be all dafodils and moon beams... it's not in my nature. ? But i do wish you were closer and we could raise a glass of rum and eggnog together. I will raise one and toast you all tonight. Wishing you all the best, much love, =j

The plastic on the inside works, but i find the tape is incredibly difficult to remove from the walls in the spring (or ever) and makes a horrible mess. We may still have to use it, but I'm not a fan of the aftermath. That everyday roots article was interesting. Trying lots of stuff for the mice. But last weekend focused on finding holes. And we found some. Big ones. Very disconcerting. Pulled out the fluff insulation around some of the vents, not only discovered holes all around the vents, but also an entire section of 2x8 that had been sawed out of the support wall! Pulled out the fluff, and it went straight to vinyl siding! Everything turns into 4 more projects. To get to the vents from the outside, 1/2 the deck had to be demo'd. I say demo'd, because the deck turned out to be many decks, all built one on top of the other. Use crow bars to pop deck boards, to discover plywood. Plywood cut with skill saw, ripped up to discover more boards, etc etc. under all 5 deck layers, was the previous owners disposal sight for any construction refuse. Brutal. Get to it to discover dryer duct is botched. Cover is a mess... both need to be replaced. Mouse crap literally rains from the fluff insulation. Needs to be replaced. Vinyl siding needs to be cut out to access holes from exterior around pipes, cus inside access is too tight. Went to seal this skylight thing in the porch roof, to discover it had been done completely wrong, nothing covering bare wood around the top. Full day project. Raise skylight, replace wood, move studs, to accommodate new height. And also discover 3 inches of mud in eavestroughing. 4 hour project to clean by hand, perched on roof, leaning down and over to scoop and dig out mud. Omg... i could go on for ages. Exhausted, but happy we're making progress. RT's dad has been over helping us... so very grateful. He came to help build a closet, and has jumped in to help where ever he can. Honestly couldn't have done it without him. Even RT's buddy who was staying with us, helped out. Incredibly appreciative of so many people offering to lend a hand, and offer their skills. These projects would have taken 5 times longer if RT and I had muddled through on our own. Today, we covered the exterior or the house where the holes were, with metal and wood. Did a temporary repair on deck til spring, cleaned up the back yard, cleaned out a bunch of the garage, and got a new shelving unit built to store stuff in the garage off the floor. Good day. RT's brother even helped us drywall the new closet while he was over watching the hockey game tonight. During the intermissions, of course. =) The week was full of ups and downs. Busy and scrambling at work... but some thoughtful reminders of what's important in life too. Time to sleep. G'night.

5 down, untold more to go. Mice, I mean. Funny how it would ordinarily bother me to kill small animals.... But these are no ordinary small animals. These are invaders who relentlessly chew and crap all over everything, and carry disease and bacteria, forcing me to clean and re-clean to ocd standards. I have no trouble killing mice in this context, apparently. In fact, it seems less vile than fishing. New furnace is being installed today. The old one was 34 years old and condemned when we had it inspected. At least it will help bring down the gas bill this winter, (high efficiency furnaces required by law now) and since many of the windows are still broken, (and money to fix them was re-allocated to the furnace) the gas used will probably still be quite high. Catch 22. =\ And so it goes... Trying to look for the positives, and not be in such a rush all the time. RT never seems to be in a rush. Sometimes I envy that, and sometimes it drives me crazy. Me and my rushing ways, would be grateful for a helping hand, so that things get done twice as fast, and we can both chill. He and his relaxed ways, don't seem bothered by my rushing by myself. Funny how, when i lived alone, doing housework and chores never bothered me. But doing them, while someone else veg's on the couch, irk's me to no end. Anyway, griping about trivial things again. I'll take the dog for a walk. That usually improves my outlook, puts things in perspective.

So, its been a busy weekend, we've had company all weekend, so thats been a good distraction. Didn't make much headway with the mice though. Hopefully today. No Osage Orange trees here i'm afraid... Pretty sure Home Depot grows a healthy supply of spray foam though... Thanks for the ideas Finding. Havent heard of Fresh Cab, IJ. I'll have to look it up. A pencil sized hole? They are little buggers. We had a couple of pet mice at work before, and the cheeky little terds would squeeze out of the cage at night, explore to their delight, and would squeeze back in, come morning... As i would open the door, i, more than once, would catch the last few wiggles of a fuzzy little rump as it made the dash for the cage and forced itself between the bars to get inside. Thanks for the ideas IJ... I'm gonna give them a try. Nor sure how motivated RT would be to go to therapy. Or me for that matter. But something i would consider if things deteriorated. it just feels like there's a lot going on right now. We're both busy at work, still selling the condo, we're fighting an insurance debaucle where our truck was hit by a driver who failed to yield to a yield sign and turned out and hit us. Their insurance accepted 100% of the liability, but suddenly now, they've decided to change that to 50-50... So we would nailed with $8000 damage claim to our vehicle, when it was clearly the other drivers fault. I still have a tonne of appointments, from the usual, to more post-partum specific. We have a tonne of work to do to winterize the new house... I'm at my limit. What you said about RT being quiet makes sense though Mark, and I'm hoping I'm not so quick to get frustrated at the lack of Rt's response. Between company, mice, and hoping to get the dog out for a crisp fall walk today, things lie in wait for another day. Thanks guys, check yas later...

Many valid points and useful insight, IJ, Mark, Finding... Thank you. Sadly, I took sleep meds, and my thumbs are becoming cumbersome on this touchscreen phone, so my reply will be brief, but please know I am grateful. Thank you also for the mice ideas. That is to be my project today. Much love, guys, chat later... =j

I dont know what his deal is... It just feels disrespectful to completely ignore something i say, regardless what its about. Even a grunt of a reply would be appreciated at this point. But, whatever, i should just let it go, cus stewing about it is only serving to piss me off. Nah, im not talking about anything stillborn related to anyone i dont have to. It makes things awkward. I still have had to tell at least 1 person a day, whats happened. The only positive about that, is i can now get it over with, without my voice cracking, or eyes welling. For the most part i can relay the news with a shrug and a 'that's life' sentiment. Im okay if i have to spread the ashes alone. Ive decided maybe that would be fine after all. But i might wait til spring now, havent decided. Currently my distraction is mice in the garage. Friggen mice. Mouse crap everywhere. Thanks for listening Beth.

Hi, how are things? I've been all over the board here lately. I'm up, i'm down, i'm exhausted, i'm driven. It was Thanksgiving this past weekend here. So we were with my family Sunday, and RT's on Monday. And I'm better when we're in larger groups. It was nice. When we're alone my emotions are all over the place. I picked up the cremated remains today. When I tell RT anything about the baby, even just the logistics stuff, he doesn't even acknowledge I've said anything. I guess he's done with it. I'm hoping to take the remains out to scatter in the mountains at some point, but also hoping I don't have to do it alone. I Better get going, gotta get ready for work. Later.

Thank you for the ideas and thoughts Beth, Finding... I'll have to reply later. Pretty tired tonight. Chat soon

Ya this a good point finding, hormones... I was given something of a heads up about post-partum and emotions, at the same time as a bunch of other info was given to me, and I was already having contractions so i think a fair amount of it washed right over my head. But they said something about that. I remember thinking- post-partum is for people who have babies... So i don't really apply. But i guess your body still has to return to a pre-pregnancy state. To say we grieve differently is the tip of the iceberg, IJ. We do everything differently it seems. But hes been consistent at least. I feel withdrawn, and pessimistic. Im hoping things just work themselves out and i get back to my usual soon. Thanks for the thoughts and encouragement guys.

Wow... Struggling today. Tired of reading my own negative crap too. Would like to post something positive for a change, but I would be working hard to convince myself more than anything. Truth is, I break down crying multiple times a day (usually when I'm alone, thankfully) without really a justifiable reason. My thoughts are off. I am constantly playing out scenarios in my head that end in some horrific fashion. They usually involve losing someone or Someone I love dying, or becoming ill. One of the things i was thinking today was, maybe someone or something was trying to prevent me from having a child, since I would likely get what my mom had, and end up torturing and abandoning my family with an illness. The scenarios are endless. And Im aware its not rational, but thats not stopping me from thinking them and getting upset about the craziest things. I feel frayed. RT is a quiet guy. And neither of us seem to have anything to say but small talk to each other. I usually instigate the conversations but i just dont know what to say anymore. I feel like im making things harder for both of us. Long days. Pretty tired still.

Thanks for the hugs. I could use a nature walk in real life. Have to make time for that today. Spending a little to much time wandering around my own head lately. I'd hate to get lost in there.

Thanks... Sure trying to heal. Down today. No reason in particular. Maybe not feeling well physically is making me feel less grounded and more emotional. Hoping tomorrow is better.