Frightened

[NEfootballgirl]

Hi I'm new here and I cried myself to sleep earlier tonight. I applied for social security disability and received my determination from my hearing which is--denied. I've been going to a therapist for most of my life (I'm 54); I tried to commit suicide once before I was even in counseling. I have been diagnosed with major depression, panic and anxiety disorder. I'm on medications but I still feel the same. I am still in counseling but after the denial of benefits I don't feel like seeing my psychiatrist or counselor any more. I am unable to work as I get anxious and upset when I'm told my performance is poor. I'm late to work at least 2 to 3 times a week and I call in sick frequently. I have had medical issues which have sent me to the ER 3 times in the last 3 years. I'm tired. I don't want to fight the fight anymore. I'm done. I spend up to 95% of my day in my bedroom in bed laying down. I eat in bed, and get on my laptop while in bed. I only come out of my room when I'm hungry and then I take my food to my room and my bathroom is a step away from my bedroom. I shower once a week and wear the same clothes for sleeping and all day.

Since the determination of denial on my claim, my first thought is suicide. I've always wanted to write a book and have been in writing groups several years ago but am not active now. I can't write my book, I can't read a book and I keep the TV on day and night. I watch the same romantic comedy every night and when I'm ready--I move onto another movie and watch that movie for six months or more. The only time I leave my house is for dr appts, the pharmacy, counseling and an occasional social occasion and I can't remember the last time I was out. I have to force myself to get up, shower and go to counseling etc. But most of the time, I cancel appointments and move them to the next week by lying and saying I'm sick or some other excuse.

I have pushed away all family and friends and I have a son who has Type 1 diabetes and he said that I need to 'suck it up' because he does. He doesn't want to go to work either but he does because he has to. Ugh, I told him I had to use the bathroom to get him off the phone.

Right now my legs and hands are tingling and the panic is starting to rise; My attorney and I were confident that I would be awarded benefits and I don't know what to do now. In other words, SS is saying I should work. They said in the determination that I lack motivation and I agree but I lack motivation because I'm depressed. My depression stems from my father abandoning our family when I was 3, I was in an abusive relationship at 22 with my son's father and I left him six weeks after my son was born; he was on his way to my house to kill me but the police killed him first. In the last ten years I've been fired or laid off from jobs and each time it happens I am more devastated. Abandoned all over again. Then I found a temp job and was ready to start when I became anxious and panicky that I admitted myself into a mental health facility for five days. Five years later I've tried to work, again laid off and my first psychiatrist suggested that I apply for benefits. Life seems so hopeless; I would work if I could-- I would rather be a productive person than this shell of nothing and I have a 21 year daughter who watches and comes to visit her mother in her room. I can't even leave my room to be a better example for her. Life is so bleak. Life is too hard.

[LaLa]

Hello, NEfootballgirl, welcome to this community!

I'm very glad that you reached out this way instead of harming yourself somehow. It's true that we cannot give you the benefits you applied for, but I hope we can help you at least a bit by listening, understanding, and asking...

I'm sorry you're in such pain now; I see that being depressed and in addition having your depression "denied" by some "authority" must be particularly difficult, moreover when money are also the issue...

How is your financial situation now; can you afford some time (months) not to work and go to counseling and then either try to work or to apply for the benefits again?

How does your counseling go? I mean; have you already felt a progress? What expectations seem to have your counselor; for how long you should probably see him/her? Or you didn't talk about time limits? They may be stressful, but sometimes (books I've read say that rather often, but... I don't know) they can enhance the efforts and the progress of therapy.

What school of therapy is your counselor of?

I know it's very hard to change longterm habits, but I also think that your counselor (or a CBT therapist?) should be able to help you to change your daily routine. (There is one thread here aboit somebody who lived similarly as you do know and then succeeded to change - I'll post a link when I'll find it...) The lack of money may be seen in diverse ways: Either as a reason to resign everything, or as a new motivation to change. It seems you don't really want to resign and it's great . I believe you have chances to get much better. It may be a long way, but it's worth it!

Good luck!!

(BTW; sorry for my English ...)

[Confusedaily]

Hi..

I'm new hear as well. I'm sorry your in pain. This is a good place to start when you reach for help. So welcome.

On your soc sec? Don't let it get you down. Where I'm from soc sec denies almost everyone the 1st time. You have so long to apeal it. I think 90 days. If your denied again your third ime you will get it. Check into it. Find out gow to go about getting you a check.each state and country are different.

Good luck

[NEfootballgirl]

Hi Confusedaily and Lala3,

I've been going to a clinic in my area and they are government funded and I pay them on a sliding scale. In the last year, the staff has changed dramatically where my psychiatrist left and my therapist also left. It took the clinic several months to replace the therapist and I had the same counselor for 3 years then a different one for the 4th year and she left. I see someone else there so he's just getting to know me and we have not set any goals.

I have depleted any money saved because I have been laid off then fired consequently at my last few jobs. My husband I are behind on our mortgage, I have creditors coming after me for payment such as my doctor bills or hospital bills. I can hardly buy my medication. I don't feel that my counselor understands me, nor my family. I stress and worry about everything. Even when I have worked I carry my stresses with me. I guess I'll try to appeal the decision but I can't get over the despair I feel. I don't want to live like this.

Thank you, Lala3 and Confusedaily for responding to my message.

[LaLa]

I think that in your situation, it's natural to be scared and depressed , however, I know that it's even more difficult when you'd been already depressed before it got so worse.

after the denial of benefits I don't feel like seeing my psychiatrist or counselor any more. I am unable to work as I get anxious and upset when I'm told my performance is poor. I'm late to work at least 2 to 3 times a week and I call in sick frequently.

It seems to me that it's important for you to continue. And address also those feeling about being criticized, learn how to handle them, ... Critique is more or less hard for everybody, but it's almost unavoidable and can be taken also in a constructive way. If it's harsh, then it's important to separate the feelings of the critic from the facts he's saying (or possibly notice the lack of those!). BTW; are you also overcritical of yourself? Because, as you surely know, when we're too severe at ourselves, then it may be even more hard to listen to a critique from somebody else, as it's only giving more power to our inner critic.

I don't feel that my counselor understands me, nor my family.

What is it that makes you feel so? I think it's possible that he's getting to know and understand you so he's avoiding possible prejudices, so didn't make "conclusions" yet, so it might seem that he doesn't understand. However, I wouldn't ignore your feeling! When you imagine being well understood; how would it "look like"? What should he do / say to seem to understand and he doesn't?

And did you tell him about it? It would probably be useful to talk about these feelings of not being understood, too.

May I ask you something out of topic? What's the reason for your screenname? Did you play football as a girl?

You've mentioned your husband only in your 2nd post: Do you live with him? So is it he who's taking care of you when you don't go out etc.? Is he also supportive, could he help you with changing your habits, with being more active, ...?

When I think about your situation, I imagine that you could start by some small changes. Maybe do a plan for them, maybe not; how it feels better. What about, for instance, turning off the TV? It would be a big change without any effort from your part and maybe you'll discover that it could bring you something positive. Maybe you'll feel like replace the TV by something better; music, going for a walk, ... Going for a walk can be challenging, I know, but... when you succeed to force yourself to dress up and leave the house, it can help with the mood, especially if there's some nature you can go to...

When you're in this vicious circle, it can seem that a change for better is impossible, but when you'll start to break it, the small successes could be motivating... What do you think?

[NEfootballgirl]

Yesterday I was doing some research on the internet regarding GAF scores which is done by my psychiatrist or therapist. Then I realized that there are things that I have overlooked or neglected to tell my therapist. I am embarrassed to reveal these things and most of all I think that my therapist would send me directly to a mental facility.

1) I'm always asked if I feel suicidal. At the time in therapy, I answer no but yes I do feel suicidal. I research that online. How many pills can I take, etc. Especially suicidal the last few days.

2) I have been shoplifting for the past year. I can't afford things such as OTC diarrhea medication or acid reflux medications so I shoplift.

3) Another thing that I've never mentioned to anyone--when I did work--I was/am always exhausted during the work day. Then I would go to my car over lunch and take a nap; or several times I would go to obscure places at work where no one would find me. The exhaustion was/is so heavy I can't keep my eyes open.

In my decision from Social Security the ALJ states that one of the reasons for denial is my "lack of motivation." This upsets me as I want to yell "yes, I'm not motivated, I'm depressed and I would really call it lack of energy. I have no energy."

I feel that I'm not understood.

[LaLa]

It's sad that you didn't have all these facts before those interviews . However, it's great that you have now more insights into yourself, you have more right words / expressions to explain how you feel - that's a good news! Why not to use it as soon as possible? When is your next appointment?

One more thing; I hope you can acknowledge your efforts - you've broken the "lethargy" and did some research! I'm sure you can do even more for yourself these days .