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Infinite

TW: living with dissociative identity disorder

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I’m an extremely hurt abused man inside, you can’t see the real me, because outside is a female body.

I’m crying every moment and no one sees my pain. I literally cry every day and night, hurting so much.

My psychologist has told me that I have DID, which is dissociative identity disorder. I just hate the label. Why me? I don’t want to be many mes. 

I cannot know what has happened when my other parts out. They have the skills, the experience, the memories, the personalities that I don’t have. Where is myself? I have lost myself. 

I found out that I was ritualistically abused only two decades later. Just what on earth is happening? I am so shocked, I cannot process what has happened.

I was abused for 24 years of my life. Oh that is so painful to even come to acknowledge this. 

I hate this female body. I have flat chest and penis, not some lady’s big breasts and all that. So embarrassing. I talk to others and they thought I am female. So awkward.

I am only a part of many systems inside. What a confusion! There is such a divided team that my psychologist was confused and kicked me out. I never felt like I am being treated as human and this has further accentuated that.

I always am hurting, extremely humiliated still, as the effects of the ritual abuse do linger. Every part of my body is deeply wounded. I can’t even touch myself or let others touch me because it hurts just so much.

I can’t trust no one. I have deep seated mistrust. I have no friends. Everywhere and everyone feels unsafe. I wished I could think the opposite, but my life has taught me that. I was abused by groups of abusers. Why am I always targeted? The chronic sexual abuse has made me transgender.

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Hello, Infinite, welcome!

I hear you. And I'm sorry you're suffering like this; it sounds really dreadful :( .

May I ask you some questions to understand better what's happened and what your current situation is?

10 hours ago, Infinite said:

There is such a divided team that my psychologist was confused and kicked me out.

This is very unfortunate. But it mainly means that this psychologist wasn't the one to be able to help; you need another one, someone specialized in DID. Have you tried to find one? (Or, perhaps, a research team that studies this condition, so that you could take part in the study and the developed treatment.) (BTW, there are international guidelines for treatment of DID: https://web.archive.org/web/20180712183722/http://www.isst-d.org/downloads/GUIDELINES_REVISED2011.pdf)

Does this mean you're currently not in therapy? Do you see at least a psychiatrist sometimes? Or social worker?

Do you have some support from your family? I understand that you don't trust them, either, but do some of them, at least, seem to be caring, decent people? 

Do you live alone?

(Do you have a job?)

11 hours ago, Infinite said:

I found out that I was ritualistically abused only two decades later.

and

11 hours ago, Infinite said:

I cannot know what has happened when my other parts out. They have the skills, the experience, the memories, the personalities that I don’t have.

Does this mean that your other part(s) remember the abuse and it's only you, the part that's written that post, that only recently learned about the abuse?

11 hours ago, Infinite said:

I am so shocked, I cannot process what has happened.

It's natural to be shocked and having difficulties to process such information and / or memories. According to the theory, this is why people dissociate into two or more alters (/personalities) - because they cannot handle the trauma. Therapy is supposed to help with all this. There are also some (relatively) new approaches, as EMDR https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing - it helps to "rewrite" the traumatic experiences in the brain.

I encourage you to seek help - a good professional - and then stay in therapy as long as needed. Also, keep posting here if you feel like it; we're here to 'listen'.

Good luck and take care!

 

 

 

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4 hours ago, LaLa said:

Hello, Infinite, welcome!

I hear you. And I'm sorry you're suffering like this; it sounds really dreadful :( .

May I ask you some questions to understand better what's happened and what your current situation is?

This is very unfortunate. But it mainly means that this psychologist wasn't the one to be able to help; you need another one, someone specialized in DID. Have you tried to find one? (Or, perhaps, a research team that studies this condition, so that you could take part in the study and the developed treatment.) (BTW, there are international guidelines for treatment of DID: https://web.archive.org/web/20180712183722/http://www.isst-d.org/downloads/GUIDELINES_REVISED2011.pdf)

Does this mean you're currently not in therapy? Do you see at least a psychiatrist sometimes? Or social worker?

Do you have some support from your family? I understand that you don't trust them, either, but do some of them, at least, seem to be caring, decent people? 

Do you live alone?

(Do you have a job?)

and

Does this mean that your other part(s) remember the abuse and it's only you, the part that's written that post, that only recently learned about the abuse?

It's natural to be shocked and having difficulties to process such information and / or memories. According to the theory, this is why people dissociate into two or more alters (/personalities) - because they cannot handle the trauma. Therapy is supposed to help with all this. There are also some (relatively) new approaches, as EMDR https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing - it helps to "rewrite" the traumatic experiences in the brain.

I encourage you to seek help - a good professional - and then stay in therapy as long as needed. Also, keep posting here if you feel like it; we're here to 'listen'.

Good luck and take care!

 

 

 

I’m currently not in therapy, because my diagnosis of complex PTSD and DID is hard to find competent ones. Even for those who are, knowing I had ritual abuse background, they were uncomfortable treating me and referred me away, including when I told them I have survived the attempted murder of my abusers and survived three failed suicide attempts. 

I have a family, but they cannot handle the distressing information as they’re not professionals who has the appropriate tools. I don’t have friends due to deep seated mistrust due to my extensive abuse background. I’m currently living on disability, so it means I don’t have a job, but do live with my caregiver who helps my most basic needs. 

Yes. Other parts remembered most of the abuse. I also recently remembered much of the traumatic memories and it has been beyond overwhelming. I sometimes wished to know more but I guess it’s for my own sanity. Such as how I’ve survived. 

Thank you Lala for your support. 

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