memory & blackouts

[Moonstruck]

Does Bipolar effect memroy? People are telling me things about my life past/present that are confusing and scaring the hell out of me. I simply don't remember. Biggest example I have it my mother telling me on the phone last week that, yes I did let the baby cry. Um okay, honestly I'm sure I was more attentive than what she is telling me. My friend from high school is telling me stories about myself that are plan shocking. And a few years back a friend told me about hitting my third grade teacher. My memory of all of this isn't there.

I'm learning about myself almost daily now. A lot of which I have no memory of. I understand everyone sees things differently. (5 people see an accendent there are 5 stories all simular but different and if blinded with ear plugs nobody could give a story of what they saw) Are these blackouts or wtf? Not remembering this crap is taking its toll on me.

Funny thing is I remember conversation word for word most times. But now I'm even questioning that. Now the answers or responces are mostly 'i don't know'. That's not really good.

So again are blackout and memeroy loss associated with bipolar? Or is something else going on?

[nathan]

Grade three was a long time ago. I don't remember anything from then either, although you might just be loosing your memory or your sanity for that matter.

You can pose this question to yourself, and look into ways which you might be loosing it--- that's what is going on right now.

But doing just that IS a way of loosing yourself....deep down we all know who we are.

Isn't it normal for baby to cry? Anyway...that must be stressful.

I have never read anything that correlated bi polar with memory loss.

[Moonstruck]

A doc said I was bipolar type 2 with anixity. Mood stablizers only go so far with the extreem switches I seem to have. Talking to my doctor is nothing less then a joke. I will be telling her about the memory thing when I see her next.

What's concerning me mostly about the blackouts/memory loss is that my daughter was told she has RAD disorder. Well, if any of yoy bothered to look this up you would know my concern. On a form that was sent to me from her "dad" there were things blacked out concerning me. Litterly a sharpie marked through things. When I'm not seeming to understand is why the hell is the RAD only with my oldest daughter?? Her sister is only 10 months younger. Somebody explain this to me PLEASE!! Or a. I being parinoid about ti all thinking I really fuct up my kid and if that's the case why only one when both got the same treatment from me from what I can remember..?

Oh well there is more but that should give enough of something for some kind of something/feedback. See why I'm asking about memory/blackouts?? This is very important, maybe urgent idk.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Moonstruck,

Despite my best efforts, I cannot figure out what RAD is? Please clarify.

Bipolar II brings with it mood swings, but, I don't understand why the medication is not working or why the psychiatrist has not changed the medication?

Lastly, I am unclear about these blackouts??

Allan

[JaiJai]

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Edited October 8, 2011 by JaiJai

[Moonstruck]

Google my help you with the R.A.D. After you read just a few paragraphs you will get the idea.

Now apperently people are telling me about these so called black outs that I have. They say I don't remember things. But only have said such things to me AFTER my dygnosis (sp). So either this shit is actually happening OR these people are using my mental health aginst me. Which is it?? cause ya know I'm truly sick of this crap!!

Best example I have; my son had a broken arm in which the state state involved itself in. My sister told the state that I blackout and don't remember things. I have never been like thatever in my life! The other example I have is ; since my daughter with the R.A.D. and what its developed from, her 'dad' has pushed / blaimed everything on me!! But honestly if that was the case her sister (who is still living with her dad) would also have it.

Now which is it, do I actually black out or are they using my mental health aginst me??

If my memory was that bad and the blackouts were true, I wouldn't remember being raped as a child or abused or things I said or did as an adult or a child both good and bad.

So somebody please tell me WTF?!?!?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Moonstruck and Everyone,

Please read with care:

RAD is extremely rare but has been abused by very unethical psychotherapists, especially the "alternative types" and they have done real damage.

Moonstruck, I have no way of knowing who gave your daughter that diagnosis but I would be extremely suspicious, I mean extremely suspicious.

I have completed plenty of research of this and anyone told about this as a diagnosis should be very unbelieving and should consult a Psychiatrist or Licensed Clinical Psychologist.

Allan

[Moonstruck]

Moonstruck and Everyone,

Please read with care:

RAD is extremely rare but has been abused by very unethical psychotherapists, especially the "alternative types" and they have done real damage.

Moonstruck, I have no way of knowing who gave your daughter that diagnosis but I would be extremely suspicious, I mean extremely suspicious.

I have completed plenty of research of this and anyone told about this as a diagnosis should be very unbelieving and should consult a Psychiatrist or Licensed Clinical Psychologist.

Allan

Now do you understand why in the hell I'm flippin out about this crap??? My daughter was on SS Disability! Since she has been here she doesn't exhibit any of the behaviors listed for RAD or anything else she was told she had!! (Mood disorder/bipolar/add/adhd/odd) So wtf??!!? Let me assure you I haven't applied for SS for her here I didn't see a need to keep her marked. Now IF she IS disabled at that point I will.

Note that her sister has no issues. They are only 10 months apart sooooo her sister would also have what she is supose to have, all thing considered right?

Her 'Dad' said it was because I let her cry and negleted her but everyone else I talked to that was around told me differently!!I made damn sure they wouldn't spare my feelings in telling me about any of that. They knew it was to help my daughter if that was the case. Do you understand why now I'm questioning memory & blacking out??? Or are these people using my mental health as an excuse for their own personal fantacy world??

My memory is very good. The only real issue I have with it is pin pointing exact year and dates. But I get close.

So please tell me am I more messed up then I think or is this a very bad game that people are playing?????

Edit: please pardon any misspellings, I'm posting from my phone. Auto correct =fail sometimes

Edited September 12, 2011 by Moonstruck

[Misty]

Just googled Rad. So even if this is true babes it needn't be your fault. No one knows inexplicably how u were with ur babies. But it says a parent may not be emotionally available due to depression etc. Perhaps at the greatest bonding development time in this particular childs life u were depressed and detatched. No two children react the same. I have 4, they are all with their dad and all very different and all close in age.

They all reacted differently when i was seperated from them and when mummy was ill at home. 1 of them would act up and push my buttons the other 2 would show concern and give lots of cuddles, the third was just a baby really! So no the other wouldnt necessarily have it also.

Stop beating yourself up. Its a hard enough thing to deal with just having this illness. Good luck honey. XXXxxxXXX

[Guest ASchwartz]

Moonstruck,

It is either a very bad game that people are playing or they are just uninformed and even dumb. At least that is my "gut feeling" and take that for what it's worth. Also, it takes a lot of nerve and incredible ignorance for anyone to blame you for your daughter's problems because "you let her cry???" That's the old saying: "Balderdash.!!!!!"

Allan

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Moonstruck,

What is the latest with you and these issues?

Allan

[Athena]

Hi Moonstruck,

To me, it does sound a little like your mental health issues are being used against you. I had to deal with the same problem. I caught the Dad in the act though - he tried to make a custody issue of it instead of getting my children help - such as Children's Aid, or a Therapist, or whatever. In fact, I have been the one who has got them a therapist and taken advantage of whatever resources are offered. He has done nothing other than consult with his lawyer.

Although I have not been officially diagnosed bipolar I am an over 80% match according to online tests. My memory for some things is impeccable, and for others it's atrocious. It seems that I remember things that are highly threatening - I think due to something called "emotional memory" - which supposedly is to help us avoid the same bad things from happening to us again. But i think that sometimes these memories are so powerful, particularly if the threats continue - so much so that they can wipe out other memories.

So, if your ex and/or others are less than supportive or in fact have real motives to hurt you, then I think you may not be 'just paranoid'. But at this point, it is more important to get help for your daughter. Does it really matter if you caused it or not? If you caused it, it wasn't your fault, you did the best you could. The statement "YOU let the baby cry" - sounds awfully sexist to me. Where was the Dad? Had he no responsibility for parenting? or is he just a "Johnny come lately" father, swooping in to "rescue" the children now that you aren't together anymore? Try to think for yourself. Read up on attachment theory. Identify those family members you most trust and talk to them. Become involved with your daughter's therapy.

[Misty]

Athena, that made me laugh...coz thats what ive got!! He's a hero coz he now has the children!! Although he seems to think they are mini soldiers and they are all terrified of him.!

May i ask what your custody situation is, as I've just been told to accept that mine will never live with me again. I can have them a couple of nights a week eventually but that is all. Was it just the bipolar with you? Private message me if you want it off forum. Just I don't know any other mothers going through this and would be helpful to get someone elses experiences. xx

[Athena]

May i ask what your custody situation is, as I've just been told to accept that mine will never live with me again. I can have them a couple of nights a week eventually but that is all. Was it just the bipolar with you? Private message me if you want it off forum. Just I don't know any other mothers going through this and would be helpful to get someone elses experiences. xx

I have joint custody of the kids. They go back and forth between homes. Dad does Mon+Tues night and i do Wed+Thurs night. Fri/Sat/Sun alternates back and forth. The mediator suggested it as it uses the school as a buffer (ie: you never have to see the other parent to pass the kids over). It's not a bad arrangement. Honestly I can't think of one that would work better.

In terms of why he tried to make a medical issue out of it, I was emotionally erratic, to the point of doing S/I, which the kids eventually witnessed or saw the results of (cuts). I must say it has acted as a bit of a deterrent lately (cut => lose the kids). Getting arrested for being an emotional basketcase in public didn't help matters (not something I've done more than once). It certainly does help to act completely normal when going through custody fights. Lawyers, judges, the public all seem to side with the abusive (sometimes even physically) father if he's calmer than the Mum. Even if he caused the Mum to go insane through his abuse in the first place. That horrid injustice was enough to almost drive me over the edge. But in hindsight, my advice would simply be - HIDE HOW YOU FEEL, and take all drama out of it, even if you are about to explode. Reserve your right to explode after paperwork has been signed. He is probably just doing all this to avoid financial obligations like child and/or spousal support. Just wait until he wants to spend lots of time with a girlfriend without kids around. Then he's likely to send the kids your way. I've seen this exact thing happen in two real life cases. In fact, in my case, I got so sick of him threatening to take the kids full time, that I called his bluff and allowed a 'temporary' 5-days/wk custody to him, in the guise of giving me a mental break and on the hunch that he wouldn't enjoy being a full time parent 5 days/wk. Funny - after 6 weeks of that, he was quite happy to go 50/50 again! And I got brownie points from Children's Aid for 'being cooperative'.

Oh, and one more thing. Insist that he not have a woman sleeping over until the divorce papers have been signed. After all, why would you want your children exposed to ADULTERY. It's valid - and one bargaining chip for you. Threaten to drag out the divorce until he gives you joint custody. Now THAT may get him motivated to be a decent human being and at least let you be with your kids half the time.

There's a series of free calls on over the next 9 days that might be helpful. Here is the link: http://divorcedparenttelesummit.com/

I wish you the best. PM me any time if you need advice/moral support/want to vent.

[Moonstruck]

Hi Moonstruck,

What is the latest with you and these issues?

Allan

My daughter is currently getting the help she needs. But ah if you want to know more details, Allan, just send a PM about it.

My doctor upped my medication. I have no earthly idea if its working or not. I do know I'm keeping my head together and getting things done that need to be done. I also know the supreme confusion is just getting out of hand in my own head. I feel as if I'm running on auto pilot.

Somebody asked "Why does it matter if you cause these issues or not?" in regards to my daughter's RAD.

The answer... Because IF I caused these issues, the I need to know so I can correct such behaviors and/or take other avenues to get her better care then apparently I can provide. And that would go for my other children as well. IF that is the case and I caused these issues for her, then I need to be taken out of the picture as a direct care provider. Wither I like it or not!!! It is what ever is best for my children is what needs to be done regardless on how I feel about it! Bottom line.

Any other Questions??

My memory is not as bad as it would seem as of late. I make sure I write things down a LOT. I will be getting a recorder for all kinds of situations. I sick of people saying that I don't remember! If I don't then it will be proven, and if I do they can go straight to hell.

On a side note: the process in which I think really sucks. anybody else starting to realize or have already realized this with themselves????

[Athena]

Somebody asked "Why does it matter if you cause these issues or not?" in regards to my daughter's RAD.

The answer... Because IF I caused these issues, the I need to know so I can correct such behaviors and/or take other avenues to get her better care then apparently I can provide. And that would go for my other children as well. IF that is the case and I caused these issues for her, then I need to be taken out of the picture as a direct care provider. Wither I like it or not!!! It is what ever is best for my children is what needs to be done regardless on how I feel about it! Bottom line.

Any other Questions??

My memory is not as bad as it would seem as of late. I make sure I write things down a LOT. I will be getting a recorder for all kinds of situations. I sick of people saying that I don't remember! If I don't then it will be proven, and if I do they can go straight to hell.

On a side note: the process in which I think really sucks. anybody else starting to realize or have already realized this with themselves????

Hi Moonstruck. That was me who asked the question "What does it matter if you caused...." And your response is right on the money. OF COURSE IT MATTERS. Not so you get beat up for it, or beat yourself up for it or get persecuted for it but TO GET HELP, as you have pointed out (this shows me that you are capable of very clear and rational thought). In my case, I KNOW I caused a lot of my kids' emotional problems. I also know their father did, but I can only deal with my behaviour, not his. I have caused attachment problems with my kids, I have caused fears of abandonment, self-esteem problems and possibly others (all things my own parents caused me so no wonder there is a similar pattern developing). The difference is that I SEE what I have done/am doing and have got myself and them help. My own parents had no clue what they caused until I became anorexic at 17 and was placed on suicide watch. I had a failed therapy at that time. I am now 49. I am constantly amazed I am still here. Fear of hell, mostly. Hard to ask forgiveness for taking a life when you are in the midst of it :eek:.

You sound very, very angry. You have every right to be. You sound like people don't believe you, almost like you are being persecuted. They use your memory lapses against you. Tape recorders are worth their weight in gold, I can speak from personal experience. I recently got a disability clawback reversed because of a conversation I taped. I had forgotten who I had spoken with in regards to a pertinent topic that I knew would likely save my ass if I could get the right person to admit it. The tape said it all. We must work with what we've got. If our memory fails us, we must use whatever tools necessary to help us, as you are doing. Once again, I'd say you are actually making pretty rational decisions. You are taking action. You are doing what you need to do to protect yourself and your kids. I think that you are stronger than you may think.

[Dot]

Hi All,

I'm the wife of someone with bipolar disorder looking for information on blackouts. Recently, my husband weaned himself off of medication, and for two days in a row, he didn't remember conversations that I'd had with him or that my mother had with him. When I mentioned said conversation, he said, "We never talked about that," and looked at me like I was completely making something up to screw with him. Prior to his psychotic episode (which led to diagnosis), this would happen all the time, and he basically convinced me I was crazy and I was making things up. It was a mess, it was terrifying, it destroyed my self-esteem, and I'm terrified that it's going to happen again.

Are the people in your life making this up to take advantage of you? Probably not. I wanted to add this because everyone seems to be telling you that your loved ones are messing with you, and as a partner to someone with mental illness, I wanted to offer the opinion that they love you and they're concerned for you and that the diagnosis itself is probably connecting the dots for them. Also, it likely got worse before they started noticing it, so it became hard to ignore.

Now, will folks take advantage of your diagnosis in terms of custody and childcare and whatnot? Who knows. I just wanted to let you know what it was like for someone on the other end.