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Whatever the reason



I have never felt this way before, I have felt many things in my life, but this is just something else,, I didn't think I was like this...

Maybe it's because I am adopted.. That growing up I never actually felt like I belonged, I was always the "outcast". My half sister was from a previous marriage with my mom, and she was 8 years older than I was.. and for siblings that's a pretty huge gap.. So we never had a "sisterly bond" , never got along , etc.

I grew up in a dysfunctional home.. My parents were the type that should have gotten divorced, but stayed together. There was constant fighting/ never any affection showed towards each other.. I always felt so bad for my dad, whenever he tried to show affection to my mom she'd make this face like she was disgusted.. I remember her coming home one day from seeing this psychic.. " Shh don't tell daddy this but she said I was gonig to have 3 marriages!! " With a huge smile on her face..

So how is it fair that I am the only one who needs help?! Everytime I mention family therapy they put it all on me.. saying I'm the one who needs medication, nothing is wrong with them... It's like they don't realize the environment they brought me up in..

I wish I did have family around when I was growing up like aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents.. but I didn't. That's unfortunate but there is nothing I can do about that now.. It's just so frustrating how I wish things were different, I wish that I knew my birth mom, I wish I felt like I belonged with this family...

I hever have though, and maybe I never will... Maybe it's just an adoption thing? I don't know.. Anyways my mother was never the one to encourage me or show me support/affection... She's very much a perfectionist and loves material things, and I'm not saying that's bad, but if it's taken to extremes it really gets into their heads. Ever since I was 14 we have never got a long.. It's like she doesn't see me for who I am, but for that teenager still.. When we are in the same room together there's that awkward silence, all the time.. Whenever she does talk to me, she's always critisizing and looking down.. There's no love there.. and I don't understand..

I know I did things a lot later in life than most people my age. I am 22, and just going to college now.. I don't have my license.. lost my job.. pretty much I just don't feel successful and it's like she judges me because of that.. She never understood me and maybe she never will.. I have been through a lot to get me where I am right now.. but I just can't help but feel like I am still a kid.. and that I am so behind in life..

Now it has come to a point when I'm around some whose close to me and their family, and if they have a loving and supportive family I get so angry.. The rage inside me just bursts out and I can't stop the negative thoughts.. "Why can't my mom be like that, why couldn't they have encouraged and supported me" .. I feel like a lot of my insecurites come from the environment that I did.. plus it doesn't help with having depression, just really adds to it.. I don't want to be angry anymore, I know I need to accept it that's how it was but just feeling the way I do everyday when I am here is always a reminder.. I just don't know what to do to deal with this shit anymore.


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I read this, saw your thread on adoption and got your PM. I'll PM you a little later cause I have a doctor's appointment now. Just wanted to let you know I caught all this and, I know where you're coming from. We'll talk soon.

~ John

P.S. - Just wanted to paste in here something you said in another thread cause I want to comment on it later because, it has been a HUGE issue with me too - until recently:

I tend to attach myself too quickly to others and kinda get too involved way too fast
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Hello forget!

I think I am going to call you forget cause I like the pet names we use here, but also, that's what I want to keep from your nick.

I am not an expert of any kind, neither have I passed a situation like that, but I have read loads of self help books and if you allow me I'd like to share my thoughts.

Sorry for starting from the thing that you don't want to hear, but yes you should accept it. But you also want to deal with it and stop being angry, so acceptance for me is the first and biggest step. Forgiveness is a great medicine. Forgiveness is not to believe that everything is good, but to let it be and be allowed to breath and move on. It's an egoistic action cause it's all done for yourself, but it's a kind action as well because it releases you.

I can tell you how much I understand you when you talk about critisism. I never felt really unloved in my family, yet I always felt their critisism concidering...everything. After years when I realized something was wrong, I realized I even chose what kind of jeans to buy, concidering what my parents would say if they saw it. And the worst, they live in an island and I live in a town way far, for almost 13 years now. I found that critisism is something I so afraid -yet hit upon like it has a magnet- from them or strangers. It's like I need their approval, but now I see there is no way winning any such game cause since ppl understands you need their approval they know how to handle you by not giving it to you, just to see you beg for it. Yes it is unfair and things shouldn't work that way, but there is nothing I could do about it. If I told them they are critisising me, the'd critisise again, saying I overreact and I am so sensitive. That's a very good trapp, as people who critisise don't want to be critisised, so they hit the ball back to you and that way they just continue doing what they know best. Make you be in a disadvantage. I don't know why they behave that way, it doesn't meen that they are bad people, but surely they are the kind of people who has understood that everybody looks after himself and that's it.

When I understood those facts about my life, I saw how bad it was for my social life, as I always was afraid to do ..whatever cause I was so afraid of critisism. It has passed so much in my blood! For me it was better not to act, than act and make a mistake. And that's the roots of my low self esteem, but I don't even remember how far in time they originate.

My point out of this story is "don't do it to yourself". Find the way to treat yourself good. Don't fight what you can't fight. If you can't climb a mountain to go to the other side, take a boat and travell around it to reach. But first you have to accept that "you can't move it and this is not a reason to sit and feel sorry you can't". A good way to deal with bad situations is...not deal with them. Get away, don't let them bring you down and fog your mind. But at the same time you have to stay as cool as you can and say "ok, that's your problem, I am not going to make it mine". You also have to realize that the past is in the past. If you cut your finger now, it won't heart in two years. Still many people refer to the cut and feel miserable after two and twenty years, though there is no woont any more. If you do this you have to stop and think. What kind of effects has the way I think right now in my body? (blood pressure maybe for no reason?). What effects in my life? A person who wants to live the next second, don't chose to waste it brinking back bad situations from the past. I know you are right to want to find justise somewhere, so you can eventually feel better. Of course if you feel that way, somebody did treated you unfair. But is it useful anymore or is it an obstacle? If you still don't feel ready to just forgive, but want to treat yourself right, there are plenty of places you can find help (books, or people).

And of course if you want to make any good out of what you've learned, you always can. When you have children you can give them everything you've missed.

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