I have never felt this way before, I have felt many things in my life, but this is just something else,, I didn't think I was like this...
Maybe it's because I am adopted.. That growing up I never actually felt like I belonged, I was always the "outcast". My half sister was from a previous marriage with my mom, and she was 8 years older than I was.. and for siblings that's a pretty huge gap.. So we never had a "sisterly bond" , never got along , etc.
I grew up in a dysfunctional home.. My parents were the type that should have gotten divorced, but stayed together. There was constant fighting/ never any affection showed towards each other.. I always felt so bad for my dad, whenever he tried to show affection to my mom she'd make this face like she was disgusted.. I remember her coming home one day from seeing this psychic.. " Shh don't tell daddy this but she said I was gonig to have 3 marriages!! " With a huge smile on her face..
So how is it fair that I am the only one who needs help?! Everytime I mention family therapy they put it all on me.. saying I'm the one who needs medication, nothing is wrong with them... It's like they don't realize the environment they brought me up in..
I wish I did have family around when I was growing up like aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents.. but I didn't. That's unfortunate but there is nothing I can do about that now.. It's just so frustrating how I wish things were different, I wish that I knew my birth mom, I wish I felt like I belonged with this family...
I hever have though, and maybe I never will... Maybe it's just an adoption thing? I don't know.. Anyways my mother was never the one to encourage me or show me support/affection... She's very much a perfectionist and loves material things, and I'm not saying that's bad, but if it's taken to extremes it really gets into their heads. Ever since I was 14 we have never got a long.. It's like she doesn't see me for who I am, but for that teenager still.. When we are in the same room together there's that awkward silence, all the time.. Whenever she does talk to me, she's always critisizing and looking down.. There's no love there.. and I don't understand..
I know I did things a lot later in life than most people my age. I am 22, and just going to college now.. I don't have my license.. lost my job.. pretty much I just don't feel successful and it's like she judges me because of that.. She never understood me and maybe she never will.. I have been through a lot to get me where I am right now.. but I just can't help but feel like I am still a kid.. and that I am so behind in life..
Now it has come to a point when I'm around some whose close to me and their family, and if they have a loving and supportive family I get so angry.. The rage inside me just bursts out and I can't stop the negative thoughts.. "Why can't my mom be like that, why couldn't they have encouraged and supported me" .. I feel like a lot of my insecurites come from the environment that I did.. plus it doesn't help with having depression, just really adds to it.. I don't want to be angry anymore, I know I need to accept it that's how it was but just feeling the way I do everyday when I am here is always a reminder.. I just don't know what to do to deal with this shit anymore.