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April 13, 2003- My biggest regret



It takes a long time to really forget regret, doesn't it? And no matter how hard we try, there are always reminders/situations which come up which makes you go right back to that point in time. I'm asking if you are reading this to please not judge- and underestand that I have suffered a great deal because of this situation.

When I was 14, I fell in love. This guy was everything to me- and since he was my first, it was that much more intense. I thought I was going to marry him- he thought he was going to marry me. But, that was then.. now actually he is married to someone else, and I'm happy for him.. it's crazy that it has been 6 years since we have not been together- and I am always reminded of him.

I never believed in abortions. I was totally against them- especially since well I am adopted, right .. that really put it on a whole other level. This is what I valued, what I beleive in.. & the pain of going agaisnt your gut instinct and your beliefs is one of the worst kind of suffering. I was 15 when I got pregnant, and knew that I wanted to keep the baby. Whether it was because I was blinded by my feelings for him, and I truly thought that love was enough. I was so happy. I waited a long time before I told my parents- actually another woman ended up telling my mom for me. It makes it worse because I was pretty far a long when this happened- about 13 weeks.. and it has been so traumatizing. My mother was the main influence in this- I felt so pressured to do this, like I was trapped.. there was no support.. it all happened so fast.. one minute I was pregnant.. the night I was signing papers.. then I think to myself.. well I shouldn't have signed them.. should have stood up for myself.. should have done SOMETHING. All these shoulda, woulda, coulda thoughts were all I could think about for 7 years.

We broke up a few months later.. that was that.. That's when I started to really get into heavy drugs/drinking all the time.. and even then I would still be thinking about the terribly act that I did, what could have been, and that I had made the wrong choice. I mean, of course I did, especially by going against your own values and what you beleive in.. I beat myself up about this situation for so long, probably should have gotten professional help for it.. Out of nowhere I would just break down, thinking about what I did..There was a point 1 year ago when I would have nightmares about being in that hospital bed, the nurses about to put me to sleep. This would happen for weeks. I had so much anger towards my mother for not supporting my decision and helping me- but then she was trying to do what she thought was right.

Last year I started to come to terms with what happened. I had to stop living in the past; and constantly wondering what could have been or where my life would be now. I needed to move on, cause if not it would just torture me for the rest of my life. I tried my hardest to accept what had happened, and I knew that no matter how hard I wished things would change or even kept thinking about the situation, that would not bring me back to that moment.

I tried to focus on the now; and I did okay.. I got my gear up and finally last year graduated highschool; got 7 credits in 4 months. I found that by living in my past, I couldn't enjoy the now.. and it had ruined relationships, the way I felt about my mother, there was just so much anger.. I don't think I have forgave myself yet, and maybe I never will 100%. All I know now, is that there's no point in wasting your thoughts/life on what could have been, the road you didn't take. That's only going to make things so much harder- we need to learn to accept the situation happened, learn to forgive ourselves, and try and focus in the now. It happened a long time ago- but it messed me up for so long, and somedays it still really does. Whenever I see young parents, or even kids, and people with those anti-abortion signs, it always brings a sting to my heart- but no matter what I know that I need to learn to forgive, and that that was in the past..

April 13th would have been my due date, she/he would be 7 on Tuesday..


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