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malign

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Well, I've been having some rough days.

I felt it particularly at work, but it's really the same feeling, radiating into everything I do. The feeling is that if I were to make too much of a fuss about wanting to be needed, people might finally tell me that, in fact, I'm not needed.

At work, I'm isolated by being an introvert, by not speaking the same language as many of my co-workers, who are from India or China, most of them, and by the fact that I don't care much about my work, any more. A big part of why I don't care is that I feel as if the only person who profits by me doing a good job is my wife, since essentially all my money goes to pay for joint debts like the house. As you can see, there's a reason I spend so much time on the site when I'm a work.

It's hard to keep this feeling from creeping into the rest of my life. I do spend most of my time at work or commuting, or so it seems. I'm reluctant to get up in the mornings, which makes me get home late in the evenings and sleep poorly. Then, on weekends, the same feeling keeps me from socializing, from doing nice things for myself, or doing much more than the regular chores I need to survive, like getting groceries.

A friend of mine described me as being "in crisis" over this, and she has a point. I have allowed myself to pull away from the life force of the Universe, because a frightened part of me seems to think he'll disappear if I don't. I realized why "spiritual practice" is necessary: because once you're triggered and you need your spirituality, it's too late to develop the habit of seeking it out. It needs to be automatic, to go there whenever you need to, rather than just during emergencies.

The past day or two have been better; I managed to talk to my team lead and make him aware how marginalized I felt. So there's some tasks for me to do; I just have to hope that I do them. And tonight, I'm planning on using the evening, before sunset, to visit a park, in my work clothes. I need to reconnect to something larger than myself, to remind myself that we all have a part in that, which no one can take away from us.

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Mark,

Dude, you have no idea how your words rang true to me. We seem to have a lot in common you know. I'd like to comment more but, maybe later. I haven't slept much this week; haven't really eaten in days and so, my mind isn't actually clear right now.

Just wanted you to know that, I've been there man. It sucks, I know but, there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel. Just make sure it's not the front of a train! ;)

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I got to hear the frog chorus start up, once the sun set. :-)

It helped. Contact with the world always does. Which immediately leads to the question of why I deny it to myself, so often.

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