I think I understand the source of my suicidal feelings, now. After a barrage of her talk, I end up at least momentarily convinced that I don't exist at all without the relationship. Not necessarily because she says any such thing directly. It's more that having sat still listening to it, usually for hours, I've proved that I already believe it! If I thought I had any existence at all outside the marriage, I wouldn't be taking this. I'd be making that existence happen. But the experience of having surrendered to her talk is, in itself, nullifying of my existence. It doesn't matter much if I'm alive, after that, although actually acting to end my life may be beyond me. And it explains why the effects of her talks wear off so slowly, given that I barely listen any more: I carry with me the stain of having let her keep talking.