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So, It's Come To This


misrbl1

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Wifey has finally put it out on the table. She wants me to tell OW that we can only be friends. She has been relentlessly badgering me about it ever since. "When are you going to tell her?" "What are you going to say to her?" "Don't you want your family to work?" "When we go out tonight, you're going to tell her."

Here's the thing. I DON'T WANT TO!! NOT NOW, NOT EVER!!! OW has treated me way better than Wifey ever has. Even with all the "work" she has put in to try and make things bearable for me, which has included bullying, spying, and temper flare ups.

She tells everybody she sees about what has happened, even complete strangers. Anybody that will listen, trying to stir up sympathy. Problem is, they only hear this from her perspective, and it's NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS ANYWAY!! :mad:

She would rather have me with her and miserable than with OW and genuinely happy.

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I'm new to the blog section so am not familar with your story so if this sounds stupid or you have already answered bear with me.

Y do you stay with some1 who doesn't make you happy when you have some1e who does? If this OW is waiting for you do you think she will wait forever? Y take a chance on missing your window of happiness?

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Guest SomethingOrOther

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Hi misrbl,

I think you know that you don't have to do what your wife wants. You have to do what you want, and as simple as it sounds that really is hard enough. It needs a decision of what you want and then following that by taking actions towards it. I know your situation isn't easy, but if you stay inactive it will be other people deciding what happens in the end, because it's clear they won't put up with this situation endlessly.

Getting strangers involved for sympathy can be a form of aggressive behaviour. I don't think this is going to become less, until you stop holding both women in a position of "not really being good enough". Her behaviour is aggressive and inacceptable, but I think your wife also needs to get this situation cleared and I can understand that need.

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The only problem is she wants it cleared so it ends up her way, anything else would be met with swift retiation, because that's just the way she works. When she made OW and I split up the first time, breaking up our little poly situation, OW made it clear she just wanted me to be happy no matter what I chose. Wifey made it clear she wanted me to be happy as long as it was with her. Anything that doesn't go her way gets met with guilt trips, controlling, anger, and sometimes physical violence.

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Guest SomethingOrOther

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Of course she wants it cleared so it ends up her way, that's what she wants. She wants you to feel guilty, so she gets her way. That has worked in the past, so why change?

This will sound silly, but the question is what is it you want. Do you want to feel guilty? Do you have to feel guilty? What about? You don't have to feel guilty, just because your wife expects that. That's not the way feelings work. You will only feel guilty, if you think you should (amateur CBT). So what's there to feel guilty about?

I think you can't expect your wife to say "whatever makes you happy", because she is in a position very different from the other woman. Don't expect the other woman to say "whatever makes you happy" should you ever consider leaving HER for someone else in the future. I guess the other woman was also aware that you are married?

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You could say that. The three of us used to be what you would call an "item". Then my feeling of OW grew stronger, and I when I realized she loved me too, that's when things went a little nuts. Wifey no longer wanted to share, and I understand that, but OW has treated me so much better. She's been so patient with me, and I know she's not going to wait around forever.

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