33 days ago my husband died and yet it still at times hits me as just being absolutely impossible. 32 years together and this is where it ends - regardless of the facts as he and I saw them - I guess that means death trumps all.
There is this bizarre sub thinking process that existed always in my head - that "things will work out" type of thought. He certainly could not vanish at this point of his life because he had tons of unfinished business - especially in the relationship area and so we had to have that all worked out before he would ever face death or that would mean that "everything does not always work out" and who walks around with that thought?
And I am having to let go with this after he died bizarre sub thinking process that is searching for details of his last moments/hours ~ thoughts/movements as if I can somehow change the outcome if I find the right information. No - he is dead and it does not matter how he always made things work out in the end, how he always came through because he is dead and his ashes are in that box over there and no matter how sick that makes me feel when I really let it sink in - he still does not come back and make it better - he still is gone.
And ya know - I can really get so angry because how is anyone suppose to be able to accept that he is in a box over there and just move on and damn it that is what I am doing most of the time - just moving on - I shower and talk and do all of those things and then it hits me like it is right now and I want to punch a hole through a wall - which I would imagine is not a good idea but I am so angry because this is stupid - this whole system of life and death and I wish I had a way to reject it and protest it and I do know how stupid that sounds.
I have spent much of my recent life trying not to be mindful that people I love can just vanish at any moment because it has caused me to make too many distorted and fear based decisions in my past. I thought I was being so strong to keep out of that state of mind. How f-ing ignorant though can one be that I end the last moments in this life that I had with my husband angry at him ~ never doubting that he would be there to ultimately fix things. I did the very thing my father did with his last moments with my Mom - her death being what kept me in such fear of death and what I finally thought I worked to gain control over. Unbelievable! Life is cruel because when a person you love dies - the anger can vanish with them and without the anger - nothing you felt towards them feels the same and so your last words to them can make very little sense - seem so selfish and out of control - at least in the emotional sense. My husband was an alcoholic and our life had become so complicated that we were all drowning in his addictions but I never really believed it could end here. The minute I had his body there before me - without the anger I so counted on - he became the love of my life again and all I wanted to do was to touch him, to kiss his precious forehead and to tell him how much I loved him. Who was I NOW? I certainly was not that person I had been just days - no - I just pulled up a calender to remind myself of the unthinkable - not days before but just the day before - that felt so abandoned and so unloved by this man. My ignorance has no end, prevents all answers from reaching my understanding and makes me a degree of tired that life cannot seem to reach ~ but all that means is that I so desperately want to not be here/be alive but I NEVER EVER WOULD DO ANYTHING TO END MY LIFE BECAUSE I COULD NOT CAUSE THAT LEVEL OF EMOTIONAL PAIN TO THOSE I LOVE and so no one EVER has to actually rescue me from self induced harm period - never ever. It is emotional pain that has me trapped because no matter how much it hurts I cannot just lay down and quit damn it and that makes me feel almost as if I am held down - trapped without a way out of this terror and I have a hard time catching my breath. Why terror? I do not know why I am so afraid.
I might not make any sense at all.
I will never make this post make sense