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Domestic Violence


Say Again

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My step son and his wife have been involved in domestic violence again.

The children suffer so much.

I always approach these things with the thought that if I think enough I should find the answers.

We all play our roles and repeat this cycle over and over and over again. WTF is my role again? Oh yes, the idiot!

I give up - I just give up.

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HI SAY AGAIN,

I REALY SYMPATHISE, WITH YOUR SITUATION. IT MUST BE INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT.

I WAS IN A D.V. RELATIONSHIP WITH MY EX FOR 5 YEARS.

THANKFULLY THE POLICE GOT US OUT WHEN MY ELDEST CHILD WAS THREE AND A HALF, I WAS PREGNANT AT THE TIME BUT DIDNT KNOW IT.

D.V. IS VERY HARSH , COMPLICATED FRIGHTENING AND LONELY, ITS NOT JUST A CASE OF EASIER SAID THAN DONE.

PLEASE DONT GIVE UP ON YOUR STEP SON AND DAUGHTER IN LAW.

THEY NEED YOUR HELP AND ADVICE , SO THAT THEY CAN MOVE FORWARD, IN A MORE POSITIVE WAY.

YOUR GRANDCHILDREN NEED YOU TOO,

PLEASE DONT GIVE UP ON YOUR FAMILY, I REALISE ITS VERY DIFFICULY AND FRUSTRATING FOR YOU, AND YOU MAY FEEL LIKE YOUR GETTING NO WHERE FAST.

BUT THEY NEED YOU.

IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU AN IDIOT TO FEEL THE WAY YOU DO, IT MAKES YOU A VERY CONCERNED, OBVIOUSLY WORRIED, MOMA / GRANDMA.

PLEASE TAKE CARE

Jj

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Thank you Jessica

I do feel like I am getting no where fast.

The problem as I see it is that once everything calms back down we all pretend they will figure it out.

I get myself involved during these bad times but then feel intrusive and back off.

I feel like the idiot because I always have all these ideas that I think will fix everything. I once put them in counseling - they were to have a year but it did not work out. They tried two people and did not find someone they could work with.

I have given them tapes to watch.

I have spent hours talking with my step son.

I never stop researching and looking for answers.

The thing is - I have been alone for a long time in wanting them to work the marriage out. Everyone else thinks they need to get a divorce. I am usually alone in how I see things. I am afraid if my son and his wife get into relationships with other people - it will just be more dysfunctional people coming into my grandchildrens lives.

I think that is why my son comes to me when he wants to talk because he knows he will not get discouraged from wanting to make it work. The problem is that I am now worried that I am blind to the truth and that they will never get it together enough to figure it out. My son loses his temper and verbally provokes his wife and she cannot control her temper. She somehow did not end up in prison this time but I am afraid the next time she will. This was too close. She does NOT need to go to prison - she needs help.

I think I am a cold hearted person in many ways. I do not get too close to these grandchildren. It is a long story - some things to do with me and my history and some things to do with the current situation - I do not know. I am very close to my biological grandchildren. Anyway - I could detail it to death but to cut to right now - I have been taking mainly care of one of the children during this mess - just a few days. I am sick - just sick. This attachment is not good for me because I am in trouble right now. To hand him back to his Mom knowing he is not going to get the attention he needs is really too much. I have to be careful about putting myself in a position where I am unable to let something go.

Sorry - I am going on and on.

Have to go -they just got back and I must go and pretend to eat that goober doobers toes - he just thinks that is so funny.

Thank you Jessica

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HI SAY AGAIN,

THE THING IS WITH D.V. WELL MY POINT OF VIEW , HOW I FELT ANYWAY.

I WAS SO DESPERATE TO HAVE A NORMAL LIFE NOT ONLY FOR MYSELF, BUT FOR MY SQUIDGIES, MY FAMILY, THAT I DIDNT WANT THE FULL TRUTH OF THE SITUATION TO BE KNOWN..... TO ANYBODY INCLUDING MYSELF. NO ONE KNEW, NOT TILL IT WAS TOO LATE. I DONT KNOW WHAT STOPPED ME SEEKING THE HELP OUR FAMILY NEEDED, I THINK IT WAS A CROSS BETWEEN EMBARASSMENT, BEING ASHAMED, GUILT AND A VERY REAL FEAR.

YOUR STEP SON AND DAUGHTER IN LAW NEED YOUR HELP AND GUIDANCE , AND ALTHOUGH IM SURE THEY DONT ALWAYS APPREICIATE YOUR SUPPORT, DEEP DOWN THEY DO.

I UNDERSTAND YOUR FEARS, ABOUT WANTING THEM TO WORK IT OUT, AND NOT WANTING THEM TO INTRODUCE THE CHILDREN TO YET MORE DISFUNCTIONAL PEOPLE.

BUT YOU ALSO HAVE TO CONSIDER, THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS AWLFUL SITUATION.

WHAT HAPPENS IF THINGS GO EVEN FURTHER THAN THEY HAVE ALREADY ?

HOW MUCH MORE CAN THE CHILDREN TAKE, BEFORE THEY THEMSELVES BECOME ILL.?

THE DAMAGE BOTH EMOTIONALY AND PHYSICALY THAT THIS TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP CAUSES , NOT JUST TO THE IMMEDIATE FAMILY BUT FOR EVERYONE THAT IS IN SOMEWAY INVOLVED.?

WELL THATS JUST A FEW THINGS TO CONSIDER ANYWAY.

THE POINT I AM TRYING TO MAKE, IN MY USUAL ROUND ABOUT WAY , IS THIS .... I THINK....

WOULD IT NOT BE BETTER IF MAYBE IF THEY COULD JUST SEPERATE, TEMPORARILY IF NEEDS BE , JUST WHILST THEY SORT THERE SELFS OUT, AS IN THERAPY,

I.E., ANGER MANAGEMENT, A IDAP COURSE, MARRIEAGE GUIDANCE........

IF THEY CAN DO SOME OR ALL OF THAT AND ARE SUCESSFUL, THEN MAYBE THERE RELATIONSHIP WOULD STAND IN BETTER GROUND.

THAT WAY THE CHILDREN WOULD NO LONGER NEED TO SUFFER IN THE WAY THAT THEY DO.

SURELY IT IS BETTER FOR THE CHILDREN TO LIVE WITH JUST ONE PARENT FOR THE TIME BEING , IN SAFTY IN A HAPPY ENVIRONMENT.

OH I DONT KNOW, ITS JUST A THOUGHT, FORGIVE ME IF IM OUT OF LINE.

YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU SAY AGAIN,

YOU WILL BE NO HELP TO ANYBODY , UNLESS YOU GET THE SUPPORT YOU NEED , THE HELP AND ADVICE THAT YOU DESERVE TO HELP MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. I HOPE THAT YOU CAN FIND THIS EITHER HERE OR FROM TRAINED PROFESSIONALS.

I WISH YOU WELL

PLEASE TAKE CARE

Jj

PS SORRY FOR THE LONG REPLY, JEEZ I COULD GO ON FOREVER ON THIS SUBJECT.... OOPS

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Ya know what Jessica - your post was exactly what I needed and I thank you. You are right - they can work on all of these issues while apart and if they have enough success with that the relationship might stand a chance.

It actually highlights a very important problem I am having at this end with my son. He had opportunity to get himself in a position that would have saved a lot of stress for the kids. While his wife was in jail last week he could have established temporary custody. He neglected to do that and several other things. His wife is depressed, sleeps most of the time and is not a loving parent to her kids. My son takes and picks them up from school during his time off from the night shift because she will not. He does all the work that is involved in their care. She does not work.

I am not even sure what I just wrote - I have to run.

I have already suggested to him what you posted. He needs to focus on getting his life in order so that he can take the kids. He better start getting control of this. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Thank you

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