I wish you loved me. Perhaps if you did life would be more bearable. I mean I'm sure you love me to some degree, but I wish you would love me like other mothers love their kids. I wish you would show me that you love me. That you care, that even if I continue to be a total failure in life, you will still give me a big hug when you see me.
I wish I didn't have to provoke the love out of you all the time. I mean only my brother will sometimes be the one to openly hug me. No one else will. At all. I wish that when i hugged you, I didn't feel like you don't want me there. I wish I didn't feel the anger burning in your chest. The steely gaze of your eyes pierces through me like the sword of time. Slowly and never ending.
I wish you would ask me about my day once in a while. Or once in a year. I miss the days where i didn't think about how much better off everyone would be without me. Even now, even though you've damaged me to the breaking point, I wish i could make you happy.
That is all I want. I want to make you happy. I want you love me. I want you to care about me and what I want to do. Why can't you love me mommy?
What have I done to deserve this from you?
I'm sorry. Please tell me how to fix this, because I am sorry. I hate you. You hate me. Now lets get together and pretend to be a family. I want them to take me away, if only for two years. And yet I can't handle the thought of the confrontation.
I hate you, Mom. With all of my heart. I hope someday you find me dead on the floor. Gun in one hand, your picture in the other. A hole in my heart.
I want you to love me.