My very first blog
Random thoughts for today:
I think I'm finally getting this psychotherapy thing. Particularly my difficulty with transference. I had to be told a few times that Psychoanalysis actively uses transference to experience and work through repressed emotions. I keep asking, "what am I supposed to be talking about - past, present, future?" The answer keeps coming back, "whatever is on your mind at this moment". So it could be any one of the three. Then the most powerful part of the therapy is when you touch on an emotion and experience it right there with the therapist. Powerful stuff. But confusing as hell.
What do you do with feelings of love and attraction? My first reaction - keep it to myself. But he got it out of me. Sure didn't see that coming. Then he says to openly discuss these feelings when they arise. Ok, I obediently obliged next session. Woops, too much information. Don't feel good about that session. OK, next I just try to kill off the feelings, at least the disturbing ones. OK, that was easy. Totally buried them. Well, that's no good either, I'm just totally withdrawing now.
Finally, I think I've got the answer. Experience whatever part of the feelings you find helpful. But keep your fantasies to yourself because that's NOT what this is about. Just talk about feelings toward your therapist, recognizing him as your "ideal", don't forget he's not really "real". Your emotions are real but they are toward an "ideal". Don't try to make your therapist into a real person by asking him all sorts of personal questions. Especially, don't ask him any questions to which you may get an answer you don't like. Right - now I finally remember what motivated me to make this blog entry. Last week my therapist told me he's going on a three week holiday over Christmas. First thought - I'm going to miss him terribly. Then comes the weekend and two days to mull this over. Ouch - he has a life, a family, presumably a wife. He's not MINE. His holiday is a painful reminder of that.
So, I'm not ready to ask him if he has a wife. I'm pretty darn sure he does, but that's pretty darn irrelevant, and I'd really rather not know 100% for sure. Because he's supposed to give me everything that on an emotional level I didn't get from my parents. How can he do that if I start getting jealous and feeling like I'm second fiddle, and not wanted, and not worthy and so on and so forth? So I will leave him to his privacy, other than stuff that's truly going to be helpful, stuff that will help me trust him more, or relate to him better, or allow me to express my feelings better. My "ideal" is now free to give me unconditional love, listen to all my "stuff", offer wise guidance where necessary, offer gentle, kind compassion, seek a deeper understanding of ME, relieve me of my loneliness and self-doubt, and help me to trust and love again. And he is perfect, because I need him to be, not because he is.
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