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Blog Athena

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What do 'normal' people do?

This is an issue about psychotherapy but I thought I'd post it here because posts in that thread get buried so quickly by one thread that's now 101 pages long - it's kind of hijacking that whole forum. Anyway, here's my issue: I keep wondering how normal people would act in a therapeutic relationship. For me, I was skeptical at first, especially when he handed me a three page fee sheet, told me it was 4x/week and could take 2 - 6 years. Thought he was crazier than I was for thinking that's ap

Athena

Athena

Cleaning up messes

No kids, no BF, just me today. And weekends around MHN are so quiet too. Lucky I had scheduled something productive to do. I went for a run - it's been a busy week so I was getting antsy to do something for myself. Then I cleaned up my office. I feel this need to clean up messes now. Maybe the divorce will be finalized before year end. Gotta deal with that tomorrow. Maybe the accounting mess my brother handed to me will be cleaned up in the next couple of weeks. The BF - well that was t

Athena

Athena

Vanished!

On Monday I wrote in a blog post as follows: "In the real world, we learn to trust over time and with confirmation (I'm recalling the saying "trust, but verify"). Quite frankly, after 5 months, I have no verifyable proof that my BF has a mother, that he used to go to my university, that his friends are who he says they are, that he has a job, that he has money, or that he's interested in ME as opposed to hoping he can deceive me like the last guy did. For all I know, he's living off the money

Athena

Athena

Perception

Now that we've all had some time to react to Pseudome's 'unmasking', myself included, I thought I would offer some thoughts that may ease the pain somewhat. Each of us perceive people uniquely. Some of us are more trusting than others and pretty much believe what people tell us until actions or new information tell us to think differently. We don't really know ANYBODY for sure. The risk for deception is bigger on the internet but the risk for serious hurt is also less, as long as one mainta

Athena

Athena

Vindicated

I'm feeling a little vindicated today after the last blog I wrote and how I feared my family situation is messing my kids up. I just found out my oldest daughter has made the cut as a 'gifted' child. Basically means she's an out of the box thinker. Well, I already knew that. But I didn't know she was at the 99th percentile for it! That means she'll go through a special program for gifted students. I had already planned to check out a special arts school next week. She's only 10. She's th

Athena

Athena

Can't Self Soothe

My six year old had a melt down first thing this morning over something tiny (what else is new?) that she didn't get her way on. Sometimes I flip out over the interminable whining, crying, yelling and 'I hate you's!' that can go on for two hours but I managed instead to slow my rage down to the point of calmly trying to figure out what's going on. Besides the obvious - she doesn't like it when she doesn't get her way and she's trying everything in her power to change that - this time another th

Athena

Athena

Cornered

Oh well, I think I'll just aim to bring up a few positives in therapy. Forget being positive all the time. Going cold turkey is just too hard at the moment. I'm backed into a corner again. My captor was going to release me but he changed his mind. He's taunting me "Just kidding. Nope, not letting you go. Having too much fun poking you with sharp objects. Nothing better to do with my life. Tormenting you is my joy in life, my sole entertainment. Just not prepared to give that up. Yah,

Athena

Athena

Bad Habit

I'm so sick of having nothing good to say in therapy. It seems everything I touch turns bad. Every bad new thing triggers me into the horrible past. It just drives everybody away. I feel like my therapist is a million miles away again. Absolutely pointless sessions. I think I'll try something new. Keep the bad stuff to myself. It's all out, all uncovered, it's the same old stuff, same problems, same patterns, no resolution, no control over what happens to me, never an end in sight. Trea

Athena

Athena

White it OUT

Again, bad news on a Friday. Comes in many forms. E-mail, phone call, snail mail. Result is always the same. Wait til Monday or later next week. Get nauseous. React. Do what you can to deal with it, although knowing nobody will see your e-mail or get your voicemail until Monday. Then try to forget. White it out. 3 1/2 years of this. Just go blank. You have no control. You are at the whims of another who would just as soon see you dead. Only that would be too easy because you alread

Athena

Athena

Becoming 'Me'

I have been struggling with what to do first. Fix oneself first or find a meaningful relationship that then makes you feel better so that you will have the motivation to go out and fix yourself. I think I've finally found the answer: I will keep having sub-standard relationships until I fix myself. Because after about a month (provided it lasts that long) every relationship will turn into: 1) What, you're still with me - what's wrong with you? or 2) What are you REALLY after? or 3) Boredom o

Athena

Athena

An Interesting Day

Yesterday a few good things happened. So, that on its own made it an interesting (and dare I say ENJOYABLE?) day:D. First off - Naturopath visit in the morning. I've been wondering whether to just quit seeing him as nothing he gives me makes me feel any better. So I told him a little bit about my mental state, current crisis, lack of coping skills etc. I also asked if he thinks any of what he gives me would work under the current circumstances. He said it would be pretty hard for them to b

Athena

Athena

It gets worse before it GETS BETTER, right?

It does get better, right? I'm not sure what's worse. Working myself into oblivion and chronic pain while repressing any and every emotion I may have had. Or being nothing but a pile of extreme emotions, mostly to the downside. I got triggered today. Well, that's not the least bit unusual, but I had been coping better lately. I suppose the stresses of the last couple of days just got the better of me. I should be taking my kids for a bike ride, but the trigger just wiped me right out and

Athena

Athena

Simple Pleasures

I spend so much time writing about stuff that's going wrong in my life, I am glad I have at the moment got the motivation to write about something that just strikes me as too funny.... My brother's cat Echo, who I am temporarily taking care of - is lying on top of the gerbil cage. Oreo (the little black/white/black one) periodically climbs to the top of his climbing structure and pokes Echo in the stomach through the bars. This causes her to momentarily jump out of her skin, then she settle

Athena

Athena

Random Thoughts

I haven't posted to my blog in a long, long time. As a matter of fact, I haven't spent much time here at MHN recently either. Partly distractions, partly my attempt to turn fake quasi-worlds into real ones. I see so many people spending hours and hours on the internet and they don't do much else. It doesn't really solve their loneliness or depression. It kind of reminds me of my therapy sessions. I would describe them like being in a box with a glass wall between myself and my therapist.

Athena

Athena

The Silence is Deafening

I just told my brother not to ever call or e-mail me again. So long bro. Well, i can't say i blame you. You've lived off our mother your entire life. Working for a living is something other people do. Not you. Not my ex. Why did i ever bother confiding in you? So just so you know - it's not a good idea to side with a leeching, abusive, manipulating, lying, greedy, selfish, deadbeat ex. Not when I gave him everything he asked for in the last mediation session, which he's now made a mocke

Athena

Athena

The Other Way Out

The Other Way out...of Suffering OK, so this is very forced. But I recognize that only coming up with reasons on the suicide column will ultimately convince me to do it. I'm reading "Man's Search for Meaning". I figure if a Holocaust survivor can come up with a reason to live, then I damn well better try to. So... Insight Number 1: "The image of your loved one in your mind will give you the will to go on." Number 2: "So you've lost everything, you can rebuild it all when you get your freedo

Athena

Athena

Anatomy 2

I so wanted to write about "The Other Way Out" next. I guess that will have to wait for a day where one thing goes right. I don't think I was quite finished with the first obstacle. I was looking up "post-partum depression" just now. It only goes one year max. But the symptoms are exactly what I've got with my kids now and they are 6 and 9 YEARs old. Ambivalence stands out. And the importance of support for the mother is emphasized. I have the opposite. Kind of an anti-support. My poor

Athena

Athena

"Anatomy of a Suicide" or "The other Way Out"

I was going to go with just the first title but I leave open the possibility of an alternate ending. So here I sit thinking this conversation is coming about 30 years too late. Because my goal is to figure out and be able to commit to either one of the titles (my same wish in failed therapy thirty years ago) Frankly, right now I have a preference for the first one but there are simply too many obstacles. So I'm going to work on chipping away at them one at a time. So I think that may be a g

Athena

Athena

Sad

So a while back two close friends and my therapist were all pretty emphatic that I was not ready for a serious relationship. I'm not entirely sure if that was to protect me or the poor sod who ends up as "Mr. Rebound". Well, not exactly rebound, it's been three years since my separation and a decade since any hint of passion showed up in my marriage. Anyway, after finally getting my head around further solitary confinement, what should happen than somebody knocks me off my feet. But here's

Athena

Athena

One down, one to go....

So I had the "kids interests" meeting today with their therapist, Children's Aid, their Dad, my sister and her husband and myself. It was set up by Children's Aid. They know I won't get better with their Dad continuing to threaten and manipulate me. Perhaps it's the first time their Dad has seen what he's done to my girls by dragging the divorce out for three years. All because he wants more than half and I refuse to give in. I already gave, I got tired of supporting him. Giving in means a

Athena

Athena

An Up and Down Day

Started the day a little more clear headed than usual. Did my workout on an empty stomach (well, just a cup of liquid greens) because my indigestion has been so bad lately. Had a "metabolic workout" today. Apparently gets your metabolism going. Well, so far 12 hours later it is still not working. I feel like my heart is in my throat. Had a better session with my therapist today. I seemed to be able to articulate things a little better. Of course we were discussing the "man on the couch"

Athena

Athena

To H.B.

The world is a better place having had you in it. You are everything that is right with the world, except for the thing that killed you. Out of all my family and friends, you would be the one I would emulate. You stood up for what you believed in, and you have inspired others to do the same. You touched so many lives. I wish you would have had a little more time to touch even more. Your humor, your generosity, your spirit, your integrity - it all will be remembered - and missed. You, who

Athena

Athena

The Man Behind the Couch

I came to him, a broken soul, On an accidental, winding road. Somehow it was meant to be I can't explain, i've yet to see Just what it means that*I am here Can he take away my fear? Can I stay just long enough To find myself, my heart, my love I know they're hidden deep inside Why is it that I have to hide* The part of me that's barely there The only part that really cares To find out why I'm really here These parts of me they are at war The child is yearning to get out Nobody hears her cries, h

Athena

Athena

First Flight...Facing Fear...Facing Life

You stand there on the edge Your wings are open wide Part of you is ready Part of you wants to hide Your heart is beating madly You know that you're alive You've prepared yourself for this moment Your wingmen are at your side All you need to do is step off but no, that's not quite it You wouldn't be the first one the updraft has failed to lift. All the knowledge you have gained The preparation that got you here None of it's worth a damn if you're still controlled by fear. There are things you ca

Athena

Athena

Head games

I've been playing head games with myself alot lately. Just trying to cope in a better fashion. My therapist is back from holidays, I think I'm out of antidepressant withdrawal (still get a bit dizzy though), I don't feel so "dumbed down". I'm getting some personal power back. Almost ready to send my complaint about the mediator to the law society. Sent my lawyer a follow up e-mail, after my e-mail to her a week ago asking for an update on worst case scenario should my ex push me into the co

Athena

Athena

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