1st thing M is awake but won't respond to anything. She's not catatonic or anything like that just won't respond. I did get D's permission to try to piss her off. If I know her at all I know she can't resist jumping down someone's throat who's pissing her off. I have prepared myself for any hurtful nasty thing she can say. I am steeling myself not to take anything personal.

Tried getting D to take the hit for the home team but NOOOOOO!!!! He says he has to live with her and he ain't swatting the hornet's nest. I figure if pissing her off doesn't work maybe her baby brother can get her to respond to something.

I mean in a way she does respond cuz when some1 walks in she follows them with her eyes. She just has this baleful stare for any1 that comes in. If looks could kill there'd b a pile of bodies blocking the door.

It's obvious she's pissed she's still here so y am I trying? Y can't I just give up on her? Y does life have to cause so much pain and grief? Y am I still here? What is the difference in people's makeup that some decide to cash in after just a few setbacks and others just plod on and on?

What am I hoping to accomplish? Am I going to get myself hurt or kicked out of the hospital? Will she hate me? Am I just being spiteful because I'm still so angry? Y CAN"T I JUST WALK AWAY? What is so wrong with me that I just cling to people that obviously don't care? I mean she doesn't care about herself so how in the hell can she care about any1 else?

On a different note y am I still screwing my soon to be ex? What is wrong with me? Y do that to him? He keeps dropping hints that he has hopes for a reconciliation so y do I do this to him? I'm honest and tell him no not a chance in hell then everytime he calls I say sure come over and he has hope all over again. Y doesn't he understand that sex is just sex? Y can't he see that when he lied he killed any feelings I had 4 him? I told him he's good in bed and I'm comfortable with him so y can't he believe that's all it is?

He'll even joke and tell me he'll give me a "reference" if I start dating again. Then with the next breath say let's forget the divorce come back home. Y can't he understand this is my home?

How much damage am I doing to these poor people who are foolish enough to interact with me? Y can't I do every1 a favor and just b alone? Y do I still try when I know the 1 thing everybody who's dead or hurting has in common is me? If I can see that y can't they? After all this how can I still cry? When do the fucking tears finally dry up? When does it all just stop hurting so much? What's the point to all the pain? Where's it leading? Do I really want to go where it leads? Y can't I just be happy and content alone?:confused: