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Bittersweet Birthday



My daughter just turned six today. We took her to Princess Palace, a place where the kids get to dress up like princesses, do their nails, put makeup on and have a fashion show. Very cute!

She started out the day happy thank goodness. She's been a little down lately. A couple of days ago she had a meltdown in her therapist's office. Something was bugging her but she was not terribly coherent. A few phrases stuck out though, such as: "Nobody listens to me" "I want to die" "I hate it when Mommy and Daddy fight so much". The first two sound like what I say on a frequent basis. The last one was odd. I don't fight with her Dad. Frankly I try to have as little contact as possible with him, and I am researching ways to wipe his memory out of my brain.

But kids pick up on this stuff. Her therapist tells me she has a serious problem. We're going to have a little visit to the psychiatrist soon. Interesting, doesn't seem a whole lot different than how I was as a child in some ways. Guess that's why I'm seeing a shrink now!

So, back to the party. My daughter kept going back and forth from her Dad to me. Sometimes she wanted us both on either side of her. She had a sadness in her at the party. I feel she is so confused. Wants us to all be together, happy again. Doesn't know which of us to turn to. Doesn't know which of us will be around (Her Dad hits her, which means Children's Aid is on her case - not any worse than what his Dad did to him, but times have changed). I have an SI habit now, it was just a matter of time before exhaustion, depression, chronic back pain and frequent threats from my ex all took their toll.

When their Dad found out about my SI from my daughter, he took that as an opportunity to make a custody issue out of it. I couldn't see my kids for a month. As if they're safer with a father who hits them. How ludicrous! What kind of guy does that when I didn't even make a custody issue out of his hitting my kids. Didn't bring it up in front of the lawyers ever in 2 1/2 years!. I knew that would be crueler than cruel. I offered him joint custody right up front and even now I still haven't changed my stance. Kids need both parents, period. Lawyers - keep out of it!

Well, now I know what my ex is capable of. And he's sucking the life out of all of us. Bit by bit, like Chinese water torture, delaying, delaying, delaying. Letting my imagination eat away at me - just how much more blood is he planning on squeezing out of me? What will he leave the kids with? What does he even want? Just get it the hell over with, state your demands. Perhaps I can live with one last violation in order to gain my freedom, and set my kids and myself free from this emotional hell.


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