Well, I finally got a good sleep last night without sleeping aids. Not however for the best reason. Something very unsettling happened in my therapy session last Friday. As I said goodbye to my therapist, I had this unmistakeable sense that he was upset with me. I didn't have a clue why. As I went over the session in my head on the drive home, the only thing I could come up with was that I had been talking about a very short dream I had about my ex. In the dream, my ex said "Turn the FUCKING heat down you Narcissist!" He said a couple of other less relevant things but it was probably about a 20 second extremely loaded dream.

First of all, yes I get cold easily. But I am of Scottish descent so rather than turning up the thermostat, I usually have a sweater on and sleep with long underwear, flannellette PJs, a sweatshirt, a comforter and a blanket. Actually, that's not completely true anymore - I only slept with all that stuff when I was married to him, because he turned me into an ice-cube!

Anyway, I think somebody swearing at you to do something that will benefit themselves without any regard for your well-being would actually rather resemble the definition of Narcissist, so he can just go and use that word on himself. He didn't even pay the heating bill (or for the air-conditioning in summer, which meant I got to freeze all year round just to avoid getting into a fight over his personal comfort.)

Finally, the language used. I think he only swore at me once, back when his parents were in the house so he knew I couldn't have an all-out fight with him (kind of like when kids act up around company).

I talked a lot about family during the session and very little about my ex so my therapist had all sorts of stuff he could have paraphrased back to me, but he chose "Turn the FUCKING heat down" to reiterate back to me. It's language I'm sure he NEVER uses himself. Anyway, he managed to say it a little too realistically with enough emphasis, and I'm wondering if that's all it takes to cause a transference. Because in about two seconds flat, I lost the incredibly powerful positive connection I had to him.

I appreciate a good night's sleep but I'm back to that "feeling dead" place again. My ex is back in my head (which my therapist had managed to push out for a couple of months), and my ex is connected to everything bad in my life: lost my house, incapable of doing my former job anymore, huge problems with a client he introduced me to, kids have major emotional problems (as do I), chronic pain, loss of friends, SI, no enjoyment out of life and just generally wanting to die and end all the suffering.

So I kind of do die. I just push it all out of my head and bury the feelings, especially this weekend because I was supposed to go see my brother who's had two life-threatening problems to deal with in the last month. I needed to be in a good mental state for him. Anyway, he was so exhausted he didn't particularly want a visit today so I didn't go. Probably just as well. I'm still not in a good head space.

I think that will be the end of discussing my ex with my therapist ever again, unless I instruct him to make no comments whatsoever. It's not like it's some trauma buried in my past. It's in the here and now and it's never-ending. I can't vent at my ex because I'm told that will make him bury me even more. A "motion to compel" or something like that to get him to respond would also just piss him off.

Back in the summer, I let out a blood curdling scream on his voicemail one night, along with "LEAVE ME ALONE" at the top of my lungs. That just added fuel to his assertion that I am an unfit mother and should lose my kids! And the stupid idiot lawyers bought it! Not Children's Aid thank goodness. They actually care about kids, not about lawyers and not about abusive, manipulative men.

Well, that's the end of my rant. My head's spinning, think I'll leave this on the page and wipe it out of my head if I can. Bought myself a huge bottle of Grand Marnier the other day. A good swig of that, some 80% dark chocolate to go with it, starting to feel better thinking about it, maybe I should just do it now. It's only 2:30 pm. Oh well, my 6 year old has lots of new toys to play with and her sister is only too happy to join her. They should be OK.