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Started today a little paranoid and I didn't even realize it until it calmed down a little and I could look back and see how distorted my thinking was. Getting a little better at basic concentration but cannot seem to stay on track for long enough to get much done. Morning routine took 2.5 hrs; when my symptoms were not causing me significant distress I could be dressed and out the door in 45 minutes.

The time difference seems to be due to me spacing out, not able to make decisions (what to wear, should I shower or have breakfast first, etc), moving from task to task without finishing it, and forgetting things that cause me to go back and forth. My apt is a shocking mess because I cannot keep my act together for long enough to clean up, and living alone I have no pressure to prioritize it over other tasks on which I do have a responsibility to others.

Practiced mindfulness on my emotions without much success. Feels like I am just trying to convince myself that I can handle these emotions when in reality I am overwhelmed. I know I am guilty of giving advice like this too, but telling someone not to feel overwhelmed is like telling someone in a rainstorm to stay dry. It's not really something I can step back from and say, "Look at that I am overwhelmed." Only after the crisis has passed and I look back on my silly behavior do I start to see what was going on.

I am back to feeling suicidal but need to hold on to see long distance partner over holidays. After that trip I will be at much higher risk. Still would rather not have to do it myself. The problem of knowing I am about to die and having time to regret my decision after it is too late is the main thing holding me back. That and there is this nagging doubt in the back of my mind that I should be getting some music written before I kick it. Nonetheless, the difficulty of this economy and the many missteps and false starts my resume contains makes me less than optimistic about my ability to pay rent and buy groceries going forward.

So on the one hand life is beautiful and significant, but on the other I am not confident I have what it takes to be a normal person with a career and a stable address. The last thing I want to be though is one of the homeless mentally ill so if it comes to that I will preemptively end it.


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