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Having a good day today



Today I feel normal. :) The Bad Thoughts are still there in the background but it is like the volume is turned way down and I can ignore them. Actually getting work done (present activity notwithstanding :(). For the first time in months I feel no urge to harm myself. This is a good sign because I was starting to form plans.

Most importantly, I have stopped freaking out like I have been for the past few days. I was in so much pain before that I was not functioning rationally. I was badly paranoid - god it seems so weird looking back on it from a different state of consciousness. I took one dose of seroquel on Monday and then skipped on Tuesday because I needed to be up in the morning. Is it possible that 36 hrs after a single dose it could start working? Probably not so I don't know what to attribute this to except getting more sleep.

Slept a good 8 hrs Monday night thanks to the seroquel's sedating side effect, and a whole 2.5 hrs last night. OK that might not sound great but compared to 4-5 hrs/night this is a decent improvement.


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...and it goes downhill again. I remember feeling better this morning so it's not as scary as it was last time round, but it's back. I feel anxious and there are some scary background thoughts clouding my mental landscape. I can't eat. I feel hunger but when I go to grab some food everything looks like I cannot have it tonight.

Going to risk it and take a seroquel tonight.

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I saw my therapist and usually get some good insights from those visits. I think that we have kind of stalled since I need to move on to a more long term provider but she is at least pretty good at helping me move away from beating myself up all the time.

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I understand the "temporary" therapist thing. I never developed a "connection" with my first Psychotherapist and I think part of it was due to the fact that he was temporary and I was never quite sure when he would have to end it. He was a really nice guy and we made some progress but nothing like the connection I have with my new therapist who is around for "the duration". I hope you get your "long term provider" soon.

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