My birthday has just past and Christmas and new years approach. These days are hollow. They mean nothing. I often think I should simply put them on hold and reschedule them until my girlfriend and I are together again. Of course I can't. I have a wonderful supportive family. truly I do. My kids, my parents, my siblings and their spouses, my nieces and nephews, they are all great. I will be there for them, but it is nothing to me, but hole in my heart. The celebration claws at me and makes me sadder. Surrounded by people who are happy and celebrating only makes me feel more alone.

The thing that makes me the saddest is not that my girlfriend is not with me, but that she is not with us, she is alone. She is not with her family-us. Her father and step mom made her feel unloved and unlovable. Her mother kicked her out when she was around five and was out of her life for ten years. I don't even know hoe alone she must feel. How abandoned. I know she knows I don;t want this and would do anything I can. Feeling are often not swayed by facts and knowledge.

After the "holiday season" comes my trial. The crap shoot that will determine if this part of this travesty ends or if I will become a registered sex offender and kept from my partner even longer. The trial is going to put immense pressure on her. She of course is the star witness-they key to everything. Odds are my lawyer will not put me on the stand. So much will depend on her. I don't want her to fell the terror of that. I don't want her to feel the guilt if it all goes wrong.

I wish they could just look into our hearts, but they can't. It will come down to a judges point of view, words and legal trickery in the form of questions and answers.

Our lives or parts of it are going to depend on this. People trying to discern motive from these questions. In the end it is all about motive. look up the definitions of grooming and courting. In both cases we try to get someone to trust us, like us, love us, we help them. The difference is why we do these things. Did I do them to exploit her or because I loved her? That is the question.

I know the answer.

Will the court be able to see it? Will they see past our ages? Will they see something beyond 44 and 16? Will they even try?