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Guilt and Fear



Guilt and fear all over the place. Guilt because I have too much to do and I am basically getting everyone mad at me: Teammates at school, prof who I am a TA for, other clubs that I am supposed to be leading or at least meaningfully participating in, and part time job. The fact that I have been sleeping so much has resulted in my missing commitments.

This morning I wasn't productive at all either. The whole morning is just... I don't even know what I did. Same for the two hrs between lunch and class when I was supposed to be studying.

Fear because of my midterm tomorrow and I am scared to death that something bad is going to happen. Of course I have been here before so I know not to let it take over but dammit I thought the meds were working but I found a way around them. Severe desire to drink right now, even though I have a major midterm tomorrow.

Oh well. Time to study now, hope the seroquel doesn't screw with my recall.

update 21:29 - fear grew into mild panic. Had a few seconds where I didn't even recognize where I was (in my own apartment). I feel like I need to run away but nowhere seems to feel safe so trying to keep busy just to keep my mind off my mind.

Heart still pounding in throat. I suspect I went too long without taking the regular dose of seroquel and the med wore off, leaving me back where I was before. Actually I know this is where I was before. The repetitive thoughts, heart pounding, feeling like I've been crying all day even though I haven't were all part of the issues that got me to seek help in the first place. That and not being able to stay on task for 6 minutes at a time. Well damn this is weird to have the symptoms come right back if I just go 27 hrs without a pill.

I have some more compassion for my self destructive side now. Who wouldn't want to escape this mental environment that I have created for myself?


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