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Yah, I'd just like to ask what the spelling rule is on dis- versus dys- ... I'm currently going on the assumption that only cool people like doctors and psychiatrists use dys-, so ... ;-)

What's funny (because I recognize that that wasn't) is that, despite me feeling a lot better than, say, two years ago, there's a part of me that seems ... dyssatisfied.

One place I notice it is in my dreams. I don't remember my dreams, normally, so just remembering a little is a change. And what I remember of the imagery, recently, has contained a lot of rebellious themes.

For instance, one dream was of a post-apocalyptic world in which all people who had had sexual intercourse had been killed by some kind of targeted weapon. I identified with a teenaged boy who was helping to organize the youth who remained. But society was run by the few adult virgin survivors who had control of the technology, and the youth were rebelling literally against this tyranny. Only, in real life, it was I who was a forty year old virgin who worked with technology ...

Another place it shows is in my work, which now that the first couple of weeks of the year are past is rising to even greater heights of inactivity. I would really like to be useful, somewhere, but the finances keep me confined to technology jobs, for the moment, and I'm reluctant to make the effort to change jobs.

Anyway, I would like to bring this up in therapy, but I think that I've become caught up in "performing" for my therapist. Or that the part of me that is doing better is the only one that gets a turn ...

So I've decided, in therapy this evening, to try to put my feet up on her couch, and look away from her, towards the wall. Perhaps this younger and more rebellious part will feel able to speak up, if I change the conditions a little.

We'll have to see.


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I say totally different things to my therapist depending on whether I'm on the couch, with him behind me out of sight; or in the chair facing him; or reading out something I have written. It's like I have three different voices. And each of them will only speak when they are in the right place.

In a very early session, I was compelled to discuss a very Freudian dream I'd just had with my therapist (psychoanalyst, so it seemed an insult to his profession not to discuss this thing that just landed on my lap and was still so vivid in my memory). So I spent the first 20 minutes sitting in the chair trying to get his assurance that it's OK to talk about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING and that he wouldn't be showing me the door if he didn't like what I said. I even inquired about his backup psychoanalysts, the guys he has to consult with periodically. He assured me he chooses them very carefully so they would back him up.

Then I proceeded to the couch and told him my very weird and embarrassing and oh-so-Freudian dream....

So yah, change it up a little and go for it!

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I'm sorry that a part of you feels "dyssatisfied" :)...

Your dream makes sense to me. You say:

and the youth were rebelling literally against this tyranny. Only, in real life, it was I who was a forty year old virgin
as if it was a contradiction. For me, it isn't. Because it's you, or a part of you if you like, who finally, in your 40ties, was rebelling against your fears and other issues (/another part of you) that had prevented you from intercourse. Of course, I can only guess what it could mean, now. My only idea is that these rebellious themes mirror your "dyscomfort" [by the way, it seems strange to me with the "y" and - wow - I just have done a Google search and the very 1st site it has found is your blog!!! :)] and your wish to "rebel" - in this case, the dream probably reminded you that you was able to "rebel against a part of you in the context of virginity" and so you'd be able to do it again, for other reasons. Could it be your job, for instance?

I can see how insecure it would be to loose your job now for another, "an uncertain one". But maybe you could slowly, "without engagements", search for something you'd really like and what would seem "stable"/"reliable" enought, and then you could make the decission if you really change your job. [i know, I'm oversimplifying... :o]

I hope your session went well, too!! :)

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Well, I didn't explode ... :-)

My therapy does not tend towards drama.

I think that the part I'm most aware of (call him Consciousness for now; he used to be Censor) has changed quite a bit over the past year or so, become much more "benign". But he also has prefers not to change, so he has been, sort of, preparing to be "done".

And I'm beginning to hear from parts that still have stuff that needs saying. Now that he has heard from them, the big C is aware, and he's now benign enough to appear to want to hear from them. Only, he's the only verbal one ...

Bit of a Catch-22. It was just an idea I had, that looking away from the therapist might help, and it turned out to be more symbolic of C's willingness to try than actually useful.

What I took away from it was that C was beginning to stand for Complacency, and that I'm not really there yet. I need to work on letting go, getting to my Core more (my inner cormorant, the bird-watcher wants to say), and maybe try to open channels to the less verbal parts, like maybe try a dream diary or something.

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I'm reading a book that says, inter alia, that by attaching words to our experiences, we limit them because we are capable of experiencing far more than we can verbalise. Our descriptionists should listen.

It's no good doing the sunny-side-up thing in therapy. Of course we must acknowledge progress and take our 'wins' but I know the "performing" that you talk about, I've done it, too.

I'm glad it was a constructive session. :)

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Oh, absolutely, they should listen. But they'll be tempted to discuss ...

I think, in this case, that C was genuinely unaware of what was left to do. Though he _is_ hesitant to relinquish control, in case he disappears. I think it's more that he doesn't know what to listen for ...

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