Today was my second session of EMDR, third total. The first day went well, I left my therapists office feeling okay. I had alot going on over the weekend, so I was nervous how I would feel after it, but surprisingly I did well. So of course when I went in today to have my second session, I was optimistic that it would go well. But it was much much more difficult today. I addressed many more things and encountered so many more emotions that I had been searching for. When we got done at the end of the session and I had put everything into a file and went to my 'safe place', I openedc my eyes and felt like I had just time traveled. I was absolutely numb both emotionally and physically. I am still feeling quite numb emotionally 6 hours later. I don't know if this is going to be a common response everytime I go through this, but I don't know if this is what I signed up for. I expected it was going to be difficult but this is rediculous. I have this anxious nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach, a head ache and otherwise feel totally numb. Not to mention I just want to go to sleep!! Not such a possibility with a one year old.

I really realized why I am so absolutely angry with my mother though. With as much as she brutilized me, humiliated me, and just plain abused me I guess I have every right to be angry, and furious with her. I did remember things today that I had forgotten about as a child. I had totally forgotten about when she would make me kneel on the floor with my hands above my head and make me sit like that all day with out food. It amazes me that my other brothers and sisters think so highly of my mother, obviously they don't remember this side of her, which sucks because than I feel like a bad person for feeling like this and not wanting anything to do with her. I feel like I can't talk to them about this because she was the one they all went through the tough years with at home. I want to scream at them and say DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID TO ME AND WHO THIS PERSON IS. DON'T YOU KNOW THE ACT SHE CAN PUT ON FOR OTHER PEOPLE? Every one is so upset with my father for what he did, not only to me but also for abandoning my mother and her kids. But I would take him any day over the fake that is called my mother. He at least shows that he is changing, and has remorse for all of what he did. He was also kind to me. In a home where I felt like no one loved me, having him show me love and affection even if it came at a price was still worth it.

She just instilled fear!!!

Hoping this numbness will go away, and I will start to feel something again, and hoping that it is not udder distain and anger.