I hate it when people talk about a "train" of thought. To me it seems more like a demolition derby. Trying to be productive, but keep thinking about everything that I should be doing when I am trying to work on one thing. It seems like everything is an emergency so if I take time to take care of the first thing then it's worthless because the other 8 urgent issues will collapse on top of any other effort I put in.

Making a list should help but the list branches out into more things than I can humanly accomplish but nothing seems unimportant enough to let go. I guess that's the main problem I have. I can't say no, even to my own thoughts. Similar problem outside which is why I end up overcommitted. Yet because I simply don't know how to prioritize I have no better method than merely guessing to determine what my priorities are. Those guesses are usually wrong as I find out later what was truly important vs. what I thought was important and then I underperform because my effort was focused in the wrong direction.

On top of that I just want to go back to sleep because of this damn seroquel. I thought the hangover effects were supposed to wear off after a couple weeks but I've been on it for I think ~2 mos. & I still feel like I took too much benadryl.

Starting to feel like psychiatry isn't the way to go. Feels like I am just numbing the pain instead of finding out what causes it. Yet I am better off than I was, so I guess I should be thankful for that.

I feel like the psychiatric equivalent of a driver who got in an accident. The drugs provided the emergency care to get my thinking stitched up, but I'm still the same awful driver (on top of that the stitches were applied in a ham-fisted manner, in places stitching where there was no wound and leaving other cuts untreated).

Unless I learn how to drive better I will continue to get in accidents and require treatments in the emergency room. I guess it is my responsibility to learn how to be a better driver but the paradox there is how do I "drive" myself from where I am to traffic school if I'm not competent in traffic in the first place? Really stretching the metaphor here but what I'm getting at is how do I even prioritize what I need to do to get better when as it is I am no good at planning? That's the point where I start to feel frustrated and hopeless.

At the same time I feel like I am just about to make a breakthrough. I really do know the answers to my own problems but I've never been sufficiently challenged to develop those answers into practical decisions. Concurrently I have avoided those challenges which just below the surface I need, because making those decisions means saying no to everything else which is just too frightening. However life moves on (I get older) and not making those decisions means I am choosing instead consistent underachievement. In short I know I could accomplish more but at the same time I limit myself for fear of failure.

Perhaps my death wish is there to burn away that fear; it's hard to fear failure if you have no intention of sticking around for the consequences. Maybe it's just God's way of telling me to go nuts; there is only this life to live so I might as well make it a good one. First I have to figure out how to care again.