Keeping track
So depression got worse; I freaked out and went back up on the seroquel to my prescribed dose of 150mg for the past two nights. Also been having problems with anxiety due to job search.. More on that later but don't have time to go into that now. Feeling more like a zombie again. I'm really sick of this med but my pdoc would probably only put me on another zombification med since she seems so committed to the Anti-Depressant + mood stabilizer approach
I'm really weirded out by the disparity between my moods. Sometimes I feel okay and that I can solve my problems, other times I feel like it's hopeless. Before I went on meds the second state was where I spent most of my time with only occasional times of optimism. Crap this Seroquel is even making me a worse writer. I'm having difficulty finding the right words. Anyway after meds I feel optimistic more often and when I do feel down it seems more like an emotion than a characteristic of the universe.
That said I don't feel I've made progress regarding what I sought treatment for in the first place. Still having concentration & organization problems and can't even finish a routine such as getting ready in the morning without ~2 hrs worth of detours. Luckily my classes start at 10:00 right now but it is scary to think how will I be able to hold a job if I'm still like this after graduation? Seroquel makes me want to stare off into space most of the time and as such my daydreaming is significantly more of a time waster for me.
Need to figure out how to be productive without wanting to do myself in. On the bright side I feel like I don't have anything to lose. I've been so close to ending it before that failure can be no worse then putting me back to that space, and if I succeed I might start to believe that things are okay. Guess a significant part of my problem is worrying too much. How to turn that off?
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