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Ralph

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Took 100 mg of seroquel each of the past two nights. First night no noticeable difference. Last night I woke up early. Depression has largely abated lately, but seems to be coming back. Yesterday I was feeling super happy. If I had taken drugs I would have thought I was high but I have only taken coffee and my prescriptions since scaring myself on Sunday.

I think that Tuesday's super happy moment was a side effect of what happened. I was feeling so sick that the thought of not making it did cross my mind - and I didn't like it. Of course I didn't really think that I took enough to OD but I wasn't expecting to get sick off of it either.

In one sense I was OK with dying as it meant I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. In another sense I was terribly regretful of the things I didn't do because I was too scared or nervous. I was also sad for my boyfriend, who is already pretty worried about me because he knows about my problems.

The upshot is that in feeling the crisis, as unreal as it was, I saw what I really thought was important and that I do think life is worth living when I can dust myself off and focus on the good things. Also I worry too much about things I have no control over which paralyzes me in the instances where I do have control. Knowing that I still have a chance to get it right, and the awesome weather was probably fueling a few days of stable happiness for me.

What goes up must come down though. I think this is a normal experience for people who are not depressed. Moods have their own rhythm and cycles just like everything else in nature. For me depression is not about feeling sad, but about feeling worthless and that the world is a terrible place, you know the whole "nasty brutish and short"/"red in tooth & claw" lines.

Basically I'm feeling better but still not meeting my own performance expectations & that bothers me. Along the way the clarity that I had before is fading like a dream. I only remember bits and pieces. Seems like the point though is ineffable. It's important but cannot be expressed in language. I still want to die. What has changed is that I'm in less of a hurry about it now.

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And luckily, we all get to die; we just don't have to make it sooner rather than later.

Personally, I had to make the decision not to die over and over, for a period of time. And for me, too, it involved a shift in what I thought was important ...

And we're all different, so it may be different for you. I just thought I'd share.

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