I don't feel anything at all right now and that is usually the calm before I slide down into the darker cognitive distortions. I thought I was doing so well, except for the morning hangovers from the meds - but at least the impulse to self destruct was gone. Now I care about survival but have no direction in which to focus my efforts due to apathy.

Getting better at acting though. If I think about my story before I go out then I can pull off the relevant social cues that make me seem like I've got it all together. The positive feedback I get socially is that I am doing something with my life and that I have a direction. Little do they know I am fumbling in the dark and secretly had no plan to even be alive at this age. I wonder if that is the root of the problem.

When I was a teenager and the adults started expecting me to have a plan for my life, I was planning to be dead before 28, either through OD or getting lost in the backcountry. With no career focus but desire to be educated, I went into a major that is not known for its career prospects. Now it is five years later and I still have no idea what to do with myself now. The choices I made back then don't look so good on the resume of someone who is supposed to be in the prime career years. Strangely when I approach it like that though it feels easier to handle. I might be able to figure this out.