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Need to vent



God I feel like crap. I am having a hell of a time motivating myself. Maybe if I dump this here I can move on with study time. I am so goddam sick of this seroquel that I feel even somewhat traumatized by it. Overreaction I know, but I'm neurotic so that's what I do.

I feel like part of my personality has been stripped away from me. Granted there was a lot that was bad in that part of my personality. But I fear a substantial chunk of what I call "me" has been taken. It's like the emotional equivalent of amputation. Also my academic performance is down, which is unacceptable. The only reason I was looking for help in the first place is that my outsized emotions were interfering with my schoolwork. Damn pdoc made things worse instead of better!:mad:

I see pdoc for a whole 15 minutes on Weds & if she is not willing to go in another direction I am going to stop seeing her. Haven't decided yet if I will try to see another pdoc or just take my chances. If push comes to shove I should be able to taper myself off of what I'm on; I already have a long supply due to auto-refills of prescriptions that were replaced. Plus I learned from the last time I got off how to taper. I doubt meds are what I need, even though the professionals seem to be pretty adamant about that. I'm not even sure I should keep fighting this.

What bothers me the most is that I know ritalin and adderall both help me, while the antipsychotic has just made things worse. Yet the docs won't listen to me because I am the crazy one by my own admission. How in the hell do I get the help I need? Fuck I am so frustrated I need a word that is stronger than "frustrated", something that is to frustration as rage is to anger.

Ironically, the further behind I get thanks to the meds, the more I feel like just saying fuck it and give in to the desire to do speedballs until my heart explodes. If I can't get a job I might as well spend my savings making sure I don't have to endure homelessness. It's not that I've ever done this but it seems the most reliable way of death by OD and might not be seen as a suicide. Although drug use is stigmatizing it is less so than either homelessness or self deliverance. At least I still have the presence of mind to see this line of reasoning as cognitively distorted, guessing catastrophizing, black & white thinking, fortune telling, and tunnel vision. Sadly I never got far enough in CBT to know what to do after labeling a cognitive distortion. It doesn't make pain any easier to bear to know that it is the result of flawed emotional thinking.

I know I should be focusing on the positive things in my life and I have a lot to be thankful for. I'm still sharp enough even if the meds have blunted me. Maybe if I start doing some easy things I will build some momentum to get me through my homework. Otherwise tomorrow is going to be a busy day.


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