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Semi-apathy


Ralph

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Continued at roughly 87-88mg of seroquel last night. It might have been more as I selected one of the smaller corner chunks to take out from the second pill.

Slept much better last night, took Inositol which is the main thing I changed. Also something that was cool is that I fell asleep without waiting for the seroquel to kick in.

Today I had a metric sh*t-ton of apathy, can't get motivated except to do very simple and short term tasks. It feels like my brain is in a straight jacket. The apathy is not entirely taking me over though because at least I care that I don't care. I'm so disconnected I am tempted to try and make myself sick again on tramadol just to have some kind of an experience, but at least my impulse control is still around to override such a risk.

Some degree of paranoia is coming back in that I am generalizing my bad experience with this pdoc to the entire authority structure existing to pose obstacles to keep me down just like my pdoc tried to push me into a chemical lobotomy to sap my personality instead of doing any diagnosis work or consulting with me about my goals.

This is better than being all fatigued and stupid though. I can sort of feel a little of my brain coming back. Still impeded like something is blocked off but I am able to make some connections that were outside of my reach on yesterday.

There is some depression returning, moreso last night than today, but if that pattern holds than I will probably find my mood sliding in about three hours.

Feeling more drugged than not today & yesterday, so think I will take the dose down another notch to 75mg. Not only will it be easier to cut the pill in half instead of quarters, but at 75 I am halfway out of this hole. Now that it is the weekend I don't have to worry about getting a full night of sleep which gives me some additional leeway. May have to go back to my sleep cycle before I took the seroquel of 4 hours at night and then 2 hours 3-5 in the afternoon. Got more homework than I can trust myself to get done this weekend but am deciding to be patient with myself and accept that I can only do what I can do in my condition.

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