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Never enough of it. Can't seem to stay on task for anything today, but emotionally I feel almost dangerously happy. Saw therapist, tried to explain how hard it is to just get myself together in the morning... & from her face it looked like she wasn't buying it. She observed that I am able to at least get to school for class but the way she said it was like if I can get out of bed it can't be that bad.

It sounds crazy even to me when I say it, so I understand the skepticism. I should be able to keep from screwing off when I'm using a freaking timer & a schedule to keep me from multitasking and still I find a way to start screwing off without actually thinking about it. Frustrating as heck because I am really, really trying but it's like there's another me who when given the choice will do the most irresponsible thing possible. And I am not claiming disability or anything I'm just trying to learn the skills that I need to learn in order to have a normal life.

Since it takes me 12 hours to do a paper that takes my peers only 4-6, I'm spending a lot of weekends re-reading materials when I should be out "networking" or at least having downtime.

Been trying to figure out why this is such a problem now when it wasn't before. Think it's because this is the first time I am living alone. I always had either roommates or my bf to at least yell at me when I was off task but now it's like I kind of zone out and there is nobody around to smack me back into reality.

The other part is, I do enjoy it. There's some sort of masochistic pleasure in self-sabotage. Putting that together with the fact that the more I go off task, the less depressed I feel, it is tempting to imagine that basically I am jacking up my own dopamine or whatever through what my coach calls novelty seeking and time blindness. I love those terms because they ring so true for me and the fact that there are names for this means it is not all that unusual.

Returning to that other part, the problem with screwing off is that I never plan or decide to do it. I have to use willpower to stay on task in the first place my ability to resist wears out in the same way a muscle eventually becomes fatigued. It makes me feel like a nutcase to spend such a large part of my day staring at the ceiling or going off on web tangents (e.g., look up a source online when writing a paper, end up clicking link after link until I have no idea what I initially was looking for). The other nonproductive thing I do is change my mind about priorities mid-stream, which does me no good because of how much time is wasted going back and forth. I think I'm in the wrong line of work.

Then where to go from here? There has got to be some way I can use this as a strength. Alternatively the solution seems to be practice. If willpower behaves like a muscle, then maybe I can train it. I had enough willpower to quit smoking a long long time ago - so I know that I can be strong when I need to. If I can start keeping myself on task for small things like retrieving items from the next room can I learn how to execute consistently and move on to the next level of complexity? Sounds like a game, could be fun.

Oh and getting off the seroquel seems to be helping a lot. Took 75mg for past three days & I seem to have adjusted. Today I felt sleepy again without having taken the drug yet. Think I might be ready to move down to 50mg. That's only one pill which means the end is in sight. I'm nervous though because I went out on Saturday and stayed wide awake until I got home at 3AM, and I didn't even drink.

At this rate I should be off in approx 8 days, well maybe 12 if I go down in quarter pill increments. It's weird - I didn't have any side effects in the beginning and it really kicked my depression, but over time the zombification set in and became unbearable. And it isn't an XR vs IR issue - I tried eating the XR a couple weekends ago and still felt punch drunk. Worst case scenario if things go real bad I can go fill the risperidone script. But this stuff is literally shutting down my brain; numbing out chunks of my personality and abilities. Antipsychotics are psychiatric Procrusteans.

Right now I feel great on less, which I suspect is the Wellbutrin having a stronger effect without being countered by the Seroquel which antagonizes the same receptors that Wellbutrin stimulates. Maybe that is theoretically expected to prevent receptor desensitization. I don't know, because, oh yeah - my pdoc doesn't tell me anything that isn't already written on the side of the medicine bottle!

Goddam, if she would just walk me through her thought process in why why why a dopamine antagonist in somebody complaining of depression and concentration problems, with no assessment beyond past medication history. Ok it feels a little better to get that out.

I am going to find a new pdoc this week. I hope I can find one that will either take me seriously or at least be direct with me if I'm really complaining about nothing.


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