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Nothing Left


Waiting

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I am devastated. I am lost. My depression has swallowed me up and there is nothing left.

I had one light at the end of all this. I knew I should not cling so to it, but there was nothing else. I don't mean to belittle it, it is-was wonderful, everything I wanted. How does not one cling to that?

My girlfriend left me. she couldn't take it. To survived she pushed her love away. I am not convinced it can't resurface, but she seems absolute in her conviction. I don't blame her. This was my ultimate fear.

The sky is black, there is no light.

There is no place I wish to go.

All I can do is go through the motions and I am unsure I can.

I will be found not guilty, but before I reach it the goal is gone.

There is nothing left.

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Waiting, I replied to your post on the forum, but would like to reply to this blog, too. There is "something" left: There is you and even SHE. There is your friendship, your past, your memories. There is that fact that you both helped each other to survive for some years. You lived happily for some time thanks to her, moreover - she lives thanks to you. Even if she really leaves you (maybe this will change in the end of the pocess/trial - who knows?), her life will be/stay saved by you, by everything what you've done for her. And you will see her growing, you will - hopefully - see her becomming happy again. I don't want to say that her happiness is "superior to" yours!!! I wish you to become happy again, too - for sure! But now I'm focusing on her, because I think that now it's easier for you to think of "at least her becomming happy" than of "you becomming happy again".

I see it's devastating to have your goal gone :D. But ... I'd like so much to convince you that you need to find a new goal and not to give up... I hope so much that you will not do anything "bad" to yourself (like self-harming); at least (if you can't see other reasons now) because that could make her feel guilty... Please, try to be safe...

I'm afraid my words might be triggering for you :( as "a new goal" sounds almost "blasphemously" (-I've found this in the dictionary, hoping it fits...), but... please, just ignore me if I'm somehow hurting or triggering you... :o

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Thanks LaLa.

Thanks for your words. They are good words and although they make me cry, it is not bad.

I am doing my best. One of the issues is that she has turned off much of herself. She admits she was happiest when she was with me, but she has turned that off and in that place, she has found different goals. This reminds me strongly of where she has been in the past.

I have told many people that even if the relationship was to end I would never want to not have it hapened even with all of the repercussions, because I know it has been good for her and me, but mostly her.

Everything triggers me at the moment. The word "who" triggers me, due to a inside joke. I find myself unable to change things or put things out f my sight.

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You made me cry a bit, too... :(

Thank you... It sounds silly here, but... I felt quite depressed (with no serious reason!!!) this evening, too and... this short communication with you was one of the two that heped me to see myself, my life, and my situation differently... :o

I care about you, I really do...

:D

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I am glad you feel batter.

I have experienced depression that way enough.

Normally helping people, but I haven't been able to do that here for some time. Reading the posts makes me more depressed, so I generally don't, but when something I write helps I am glad.

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