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Things may be over


Buttons

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I broke off my engagement two days ago. I had been thinking about this for a long time. My fiancé and I had been trying to work through things, but it was becoming very evident that there were still major issues. I just didn't see the point in entering a marriage with problems to begin with. We had thought about relationship counselling, but it doesn't make sense to me to start this counselling when your wedding date is 7 months away.

I am in still in a bit of shock I suppose, even though it was my decision. I know he is devistated, although he admits he knew there were problems. He freely admits he doesn't tell me when something is wrong, and that he hoped we could just get married and deal with our issues later. I do not feel that that is a good idea at all.

We're supposed to talk in a few days. After I gave him the ring back, I called him a few hours later and said I thought I had made a mistake and that we should try to work things out. He said that I was making a very quick decision and that I was thinking with my emotions. He told me to sleep on it. I did and I woke up confused. I am pretty sure that asking for him back was because he is my normal source of comfort and I was in a lot of emotional pain, but I am starting to think that this is for the best. Anyway, I have a lot to think of. Unfortunately my therapist can't see me until next week, so I'm feeling a bit mixed up and alone. My fiancé and I usually spent every moment together. Now I am all alone. I think I'll be ok, I have a lot to reflect on, but it is hard, and I have a group of people looking out for me and they are all worried because of my behaviour in the past. I do not feel suicidal or wanting to do self-destructive things. For once, I recognise that I need to be careful to take good care of myself, for example, I need to eat and clean up, and get out and exercise. I can't let my emotions get out of control.

I think I would like to discuss this more on my blog, but I don't have time right now. I am at work and yes I still don't have a computer working. I may borrow one from my parents in the meantime.

Anyway, sorry to be a downer.

Cass

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You're not a downer, Cass!! It's good that you post about how you feel and what you think of. We are here to listen :).

I'm sorry you're going through this, moreover without your therapist "near you" :(. But I hope it was a good decision for both of you... And you have a chance now to see that you can cope with these most stressful days of this grief even without your therapist!

Take care and keep posting :)...

L.

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Thanks for lending your ear so to speak LaLa....it helps to have people around who will listen. :)

Well, I've made it ok until today. That's an accomplishment. I was a mess Tuesday night and I had to fight back tears all day Wednesday. I broke down crying when I told my mom. She was surprisingly supportive actually, and she seems to be giving me some space (except for the odd e-mail asking if I'm ok or if I need anything). I have only told 2 close friends and at work I've had to pretend I'm going forward with wedding plans. People ask me all the time, but I'm not really ready to tell people. Besides I still need to talk to my fiance...or I suppose he's my ex-fiance now, isn't he?

I told him I need some space and he is respecting that. He's a reasonable guy, and I know he will support any decision I take. The worst part though is that we do love each other. But he does not communicate well at all He knows this. And in almost 9 years together, he has not made much of an effort to change this. It has torn us apart many times, and it's the source of all of our fights. That aside, I have felt "single" for a while now. Him and I spend lots of time together, but we don't do much. We don't go out very often, and there is very little "romance" in my life. I can't remember the last time I was kissed and it felt like, wow this person really loves me. It's more like just going through the motions. If he picks me up somewhere and i get in the car, he won't talk to me unless i say hi. Why does he never say hi first? Might sound silly, but i find it so strange and oddly hurtful. I tell him, I feel like "chopped liver". You know that expression? I feel like I'm not that important. I see him spend time with his friends and he is so happy and full of life. Then when he's with me, he's miserable and asks me all the time "oh, what's my purpose on this earth?" I can't deal with it anymore. It is sad, but he is pulling me under sometimes.

A few weeks ago, I hurt my back quite badly. I couldn't move all night. I managed to get into a lying position in bed and I laid there for hours. The pain was excruciating, to the point where I thought I was going to vomit. I didn't sleep...I couldn't. I just texted him all night asking him to please come over and help. I had called him when it happened and i said i was ok, because most of the pain hadn't arrived yet. By the time I was in terrible pain, he wasn't reachable. Eventually he responded (this was in the morning) and asked me if i needed something, and i texted that i needed him to come over. No response. I laid in bed until I had to get up from feeling like I was going to be sick. It took me over 10 minutes to roll over and out of bed...I essentially had to roll onto the floor and fall. He finally called 30 minutes later and he was already at work. He didn't realise how bad it was I guess. Anyway, the reason I tell this story is that he would not come home to take care of me because he wouldn't have gotten paid. I had to call my father who took me to my doctor. The hurtful part for me, is that a few days later he called in sick since he had an interview that day, but also he was going to spend the day with his friend. I told him that I thought that was kind of mean...to take a whole day off for this guy, but not me. He agreed that he had been wrong and that he should have come home to take care of me. He says these things a lot...."I should have" or "oh yes, I know that was wrong of me" but he never does anything about it! It is so sad...because I would do anything for him....but I feel like he wouldn't do the same for me. I can remember times when i was very sick when i've taken care of him when he should have been taking care of me. I cook and clean for him. I would like someone to do that for me sometime.

I am in physiotherapy 1-2 times a week now because of my back. My physiotherapist normally starts by trying to work out the knots in my back with his hands. It is so comforting to me to have a man touch me that way...in a caring and nurturing way. Is that wrong? I just miss that feeling...the feeling of someone taking care of me. I am just so sad and heartbroken.

All that to say, I don't think that I even want to try to work on things with him. I feel like I've requested this time and time again, but he does not do anything, and he uses his depression and social anxiety as an excuse. You know though, I have those issues to, but I have made the effort. Of course, what he would say to that is "but you have been in therapy longer than me". This is true, but even before therapy, I made a strong effort with him. So I do not see how these things are related.

So today, I am taking it easy, but I find that time goes by too slow....nothing to do! I feel like I'm bothering friends if i ask them to do something with me, so I will spend the evening alone. I may go use my elliptical to get some excess energy out...or take a walk to the gym. I need to do something.

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Hello, Cass,

I don’t have much time, so only few comments:

- I see why you feel that way about him and his missing effort to change, to do something for you. It is really quite strange that he doesn’t make an effort :). But I think I can also relate to his problem, because it reminds me myself. I think I’m also quite bad in my relationship with my husband and repeat the same ‘mistakes’ all the years. Maybe the biggest difference is that I have also many ‘positive moments’, I’m ‘bad’ only when I’m in a bad mood, but I’m not always in a bad mood with him. But it’s also true for me that it’s much easier to be in a good mood with friends, colleagues or ‘strangers’ than with him, as when I’m with people who aren’t very close to me, it’s easy to pretend that ‘I’m happy’ and easy to focus on positive things. He’s special for me and one of the aspects of this is that I’m mean to him as I know he can support it. But I know it’s wrong, I hate being like that and I’m trying to work on that in therapy (the problem is that my therapist rather thinks that it’s not a real problem as it’s OK to be ‘mean’, arrogant, or ‘unpleasant’ sometimes…). What’s important for your relationship is if you can support it, if his behavior isn’t too cruel for you - and you began to feel that it does hurt and it is cruel to you, so your decision was right. Maybe it’s good for him as a proof that he really has to change. Maybe he believed that his behavior and attitudes were not ‘that bad’. Somebody had to show him… I hope he understands your reasons and will understand that for a marriage, one needs more effort, more care, …

- You say that one of his clue problems is that he doesn’t communicate enough with you. I know this - my husband is a bit like that. He often says me something that is hurting him (-caused by my, mostly :( ) only after a considerable time; he often ‘suffers in silence’ and I hate that, I’m so sorry… Me either; I often don’t tell him the main troubles I have, but I have my therapist to talk about them and they are not of the kind that it would have sense to tell my husband about them - he couldn’t change anything. But I can say that this is not a ‘constrain’ (obstacle?) to our relationship; it’s ‘possible’ to be married and relatively happy also being like that. So… I think I just want to say that a single problem of that kind doesn’t have to be a reason for breaking the relationship. What seems more problematic in your relationship is that you have several serious problems and the biggest is that he seems not to care enough.

- I don’t think your feelings about the physiotherapist could be wrong :D. They are very natural and understandable… (I only hope you wouldn’t fall in love with him :( as it would hurt…)

I hope you’ll have a much better week this time…

Hugs,

L.

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I think we all have a tendancy to be a bit "rough" on our significant others in bad time...when we're in a bad mood. Because they can take it better than anyone else, this is true. It's hard not to be hard on ourselves and judge ourselves about it either, although I sincerely hope that you, LaLa, do not judge yourself too harshly. You are human, and I think it is very normal.

I don't want to portray him as cruel, as he is not. He's just....well, he needs to figure himself out actually. On an emotional maturity level, we do not match up. I've got probably 10 years on him, even though he is a bit older than me in actuality. This is an issue. For me, it's hard to say I'll wait around for him to "find himself". I want kids and a happy family, and I am getting to an age where i can't delay too much longer. I am by no means old, that's not what I mean. But I am in my late 20s and essentially, i do not feel that i have time to waste waiting to see if things might work out.

I have been thinking more and more over the weekend about our relationship. There is a significant void in it. I cant quite place what's missing, but it's something big. I look at other couples....their behaviour around each other....we are nothing like that. There is a severe lack of affection and respect for one another.

I have noticed that in the past few days I've felt a bit more confident in myself. For the first time I can look in the mirror and say "I don't look terrible...I'm not fat...I'm not undesirable". I never thought my ex-fiance made me feel that way, but it is interesting what is happening to me. I'm also taking good care of myself, which hasn't happened in a while. I think this may be sign that I've made the right decision. I don't feel that I even want to go running back to him. I miss his companionship but not his love....because I have not felt it in a long time anyhow.

Oh LaLa, I don't think I could fall in love with anyone right now even if I tried my hardest. My heart is broken :D I believe it needs some time to repair itself...it's out of commission for a while.

I just wanted to say LaLa, I love it when you talk about your husband....I can tell you really love him. It's very sweet, and I think that is so wonderful :(

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Thank you for your nice words :D:)...

I see now that you've done a considerable progress these days!!! I hope it will continue :(.

And my husband... :( I'm surprised by what you say. And it reminds me one session when I told my therapist quite sad and disappointed: "My husband and me, we don't "fit together" at all! :-(" And he said, very surprised: "I don't understand why you think so, as from everything you;ve said to me, it seems to me that you "fit together" perfectly!" (Maybe I mostly needed somebody to tell me that, so I "had provocated him/this kind of answer" ;-) ) I told him: "Yes, we are perfect in hurting each other." (-it was during a harder period, of course, so I was that negative) The principle is that I can be "quite rough" and he is too sensitive to "swallow it". And when I behave "badly" of a while (I say something in an angry and irrational way), he becomes very sad and is sad for quite a long time, so I feel guilty even if I don't have a reason in the eyes of others (as my therapist). My T told me that my husband is "passive aggressive" this way, so I can have a feeling that it's "50:50" - I was "aggressive" and then he is, so... Sorry, this is too abbreviated and I already don't know what I wanted to say by this story ;-P... Oh, I remember: That it sometimes surprises me how others think so very positively about him and me and it motivates me to really be better and also to see it in a more positive point of view. And it's possible (just sometimes hard), fortunately...

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