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Worst emotional pain


Buttons

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I was doing so so well until now. The past 3 weeks have been ok. I've been coping well with the break-up. I've been going to the gym and trying to eat healthy. The only issue has been that I'm not eating enough, but that happens when I get stressed.

Yesterday morning I had a terrible dream. A young man had assaulted me and attempted to murder me in my home. I had escaped unharmed, but the criminal was never caught. In the dream, I was lying in my bed and it was early morning. I opened my eyes as I heard a soft noise, and I glanced over at my clock radio. It turned itself off and all the lights in my home dimmed. Someone had cut my power. It dawned on me at that moment that the criminal may be back to finish me off. I flashed back to the original incident where he had caught me off guard from behind in that very same bedroom. I listened quietly and could hear someone entering my apartment, quietly and strategically. So I grabbed my cell phone and slipped out of bed onto the floor. I went to dial a friend when I thought to myself "what if she is on the phone and can't help? What if she is too busy or preoccupied to help me?" and I decided to call 911 instead. Still unsure if the killer was in the room, I glanced up. He was not in my room, but getting close. As I went to dial 911, I remembered that the power had been cut and that since my wifi internet was not working, I could not use my cell phone (obviously this is not true, but that's dream logic for you). It was then that I realised that I was completely alone with the killer in the room, and that it was too late and there was nothing I could do...and I thought, if only Patrick were here to protect me, but since I broke off our engagement, now I will die alone in agony. I woke up as the killer was about to find me. Of course, I woke up in bed, in the very same room, lighting condition and time of day as my dream. My heart was pounding and I was shaking from head to toe. It took me a moment to shake myself out of it, and then I burst out crying. It sounds odd, but it was at that moment that it sunk in....I am alone. I cried for most of the day. I pulled myself together long enough to go buy a coffee down the road, but when I got home, I cried again. Also the same day, I received an e-mail from Pat asking for his things back....he wanted to set up a time to come by my place. I ended up putting all of his things together in boxes for him in the afternoon and figured it would be good for me for closure. I cried hysterically the entire time. I managed to calm myself down for a bit by cleaning out my fridge (cleaning calms me down), but I ended up crying myself to sleep.

I can take a gander as to why it all suddenly set it. Sunday, Easter, was the first holiday that I spent alone, or single at least, in about 12 years. I had dinner with my parents and I sat next to my mom on the opposite side of the table than I usually sit on. I've sat in my spot my entire life for all special occasions. But now, logistically it makes sense for me to sit next to my mom and for my sister and her boyfriend to sit on the other side, one of them occupying "my" seat. It felt so weird. Anyway, it was that night that I had the dream. Today I had a hard time keeping it together. Pat is coming by tomorrow to drop off the key and to pick up his things. I don't want to be here when he comes, however I kind of have to be in order for him to pass me the key. Nonetheless I'm thinking i will ask him to leave the keys on the counter and leave the door unlocked. It's a secure building and most people do not lock their doors anyhow. I am not worried. I just don't think I can face him. The past 2 days have been the worst yet. Why??? Shouldn't it have been the first 2 days? Why now?

The worst of it is I'm not only losing a fiancé, I have lost my very best and dearest friend...the one who I always turn to and who has been there for me through thick and thin. Now I truely feel alone. I have no one who understands me quite like him.

So the question now in the back of my head is, have I made the right decision? I hate to second guess, I've been telling myself that I made the right choice for weeks. And now, all of a sudden, I am in so much emotional pain that I'm confused. My judgement is definitely clouded. I just want to crawl into bed and not come out for a few weeks....a sort of hibernation from my own life if you will. It's hard to love someone so much, yet feel that you cannot marry them. It hurts so much, I can't bear it, and I need to go to work everyday and put a smile on my face.

I should try to sleep at least. I am so tired. I haven't been sleeping well, and when i do I have vivid dreams. I just hope this gets easier...because right now it's just getting harder :rolleyes:

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Buttons,

Reading this, the thought that struck me is that a determined murderer who broke in would simply kill Patrick, too. I know, that's "awake logic", but maybe it helps.

Patrick, or any other person, isn't really a viable solution to anyone's problems. And while he might have been your "best friend", I'm assuming he was also various other things, that made you break up with him. What that means is that you stand a good chance of making new best friends who don't share his drawbacks (other drawbacks, maybe, nothing's perfect. Different ones, certainly.)

I can't answer the fundamental question, whether you did "the right thing", even assuming that I agree that there is only one right thing. But as you pointed out yourself, this is more an awareness of the change than a regret, yet. So maybe it's just the next step in grieving?

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Malign, your first thought amused me...made me giggle actually. That is very true! :D

You are right, it is part of the grieving process. When I woke up today, I knew in my heart that I had made the right decision in the first place. There are strong reason why I had to end things. And actually, I made the point of speaking with some close friends today, who helped to remind me why I left him. Yes I have lost my best friend and that is terribly sad, but it was not worth continuing on with the relationship just to keep that part of it. The romantic side of things was damaged beyond repair.

He came by this evening to pick up his things...smile plastered on his face the entire time. He spoke to me like this was the first time we had ever conversed. I don't know what to think of that. I was in tears the entire time, and he acted like this was just another day for him. :mad: Maybe that was his way of coping, but it felt like a slap in the face. I cried so hard when he left. But in a way, I think the way he treated me helped. It helped confirm why I left him...he does not communicate well. He keeps a shield up. So anyway, it's obvious to me that we are through, and more than likely our friendship is too, so now I just need to heal and move on.

You know what the worst part was? His mom asked for her antique teacups back. I loved those so much. And I didn't know which ones she gave me and which ones I acquired on my own...so I just packaged them all up and told him to give them all to her. I don't even care. :) I can get more....newer ones for my new life.

It's going to be rough, but I will pull through. Can't wait for the pain to stop though.

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Can I turn that last thought around on you?

{Sorry, I will, anyway ...} :-)

Don't wait for the pain to stop.

Grieving doesn't have a clearly defined end. Certainly you have lot to go through before you're ready for another close friend, but you don't stop living in the interim.

And if it helps at all, from a guy perspective: he may even think that plastering on a smile might make the process easier for you (yeah, we guys are clueless.) You could tell it wasn't a smile of happiness, and you're aware it might just be his best attempt at coping. What I'm saying is that he might even have believed he was doing it for you.

I'm sorry for the pain, though.

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:) Ok, it's turned around! Truely, I woke up this morning feeling much better. I was finally able to get a little bit of sleep last night which definitely helped.

You know, you are right. There is no sense waiting around for pain to stop. And I don't think the "grieving process" has a definitive end...and less so if you don't try to put everything back together and re-gain your life. In fact, I have plans this evening and this weekend with some good friends. That's another thing to keep in perspective - I do have close friends, wonderful friends....so sometimes when I say "I'm alone" it's because I'm catastrophizing and I forget that I have great people in my life.

I believe he may have thought that keeping a smile on his face would make the process easier on both of us. In that he failed...although I'm certain he did not mean to hurt me. But like I say, it served a purpose: it reconfirmed how closed off he is and how he is not very good at communicating how he truely feels with me. I've always been an open book. I hope to eventually find someone who is also this way.

Thanks for the warm thought :D I am going to be alright. Time heals most wounds, and I've healed from bad emotional experiences before. I've never felt anything quite like this before, but I am confident that I will pull through and probably faster than I think I will....not that I'm rushing myself.

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I'm late here, but I'd like to say I'm very glad to see that Mark accompanied you through these hard days in his typical comforting way... :D

Hope you're still better!

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Hi Lala! :P Yes, I am glad Mark was here too. It was a rough week.

I'm happy to report though, that I'm recovering miraculously. I feel really good actually....very confident and happy. I've discovered a bit of my old self...a part of me I haven't seen in years. I thought it was gone forever! But that certain joie de vivre is back. I've started dancing around my apartment to music every morning. I'm silly! But it's uplifting and it makes me feel good.

I'm slowly re-introducing myself back into the dating scene. As my therapist says, it will be good for me to get out there and date...see that there are men who fit what I am looking for in a life partner. Things are very good right now :(

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Hah, I had to be talked into what has now become known as the Happy Butt dance, the first time (I'm not a born dancer, by any means.) But it's surprising how hard it is to feel bad when you're deliberately doing something silly. Even something as simple and random as trying to stand on your left foot can break your brain out of a pattern of thought that's going nowhere ...

I'm glad you're feeling better, Cass. Give yourself time. The guys exist. But it may even be healthier to be on your own for a while, to remember who matters most.

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