Worst emotional pain
I was doing so so well until now. The past 3 weeks have been ok. I've been coping well with the break-up. I've been going to the gym and trying to eat healthy. The only issue has been that I'm not eating enough, but that happens when I get stressed.
Yesterday morning I had a terrible dream. A young man had assaulted me and attempted to murder me in my home. I had escaped unharmed, but the criminal was never caught. In the dream, I was lying in my bed and it was early morning. I opened my eyes as I heard a soft noise, and I glanced over at my clock radio. It turned itself off and all the lights in my home dimmed. Someone had cut my power. It dawned on me at that moment that the criminal may be back to finish me off. I flashed back to the original incident where he had caught me off guard from behind in that very same bedroom. I listened quietly and could hear someone entering my apartment, quietly and strategically. So I grabbed my cell phone and slipped out of bed onto the floor. I went to dial a friend when I thought to myself "what if she is on the phone and can't help? What if she is too busy or preoccupied to help me?" and I decided to call 911 instead. Still unsure if the killer was in the room, I glanced up. He was not in my room, but getting close. As I went to dial 911, I remembered that the power had been cut and that since my wifi internet was not working, I could not use my cell phone (obviously this is not true, but that's dream logic for you). It was then that I realised that I was completely alone with the killer in the room, and that it was too late and there was nothing I could do...and I thought, if only Patrick were here to protect me, but since I broke off our engagement, now I will die alone in agony. I woke up as the killer was about to find me. Of course, I woke up in bed, in the very same room, lighting condition and time of day as my dream. My heart was pounding and I was shaking from head to toe. It took me a moment to shake myself out of it, and then I burst out crying. It sounds odd, but it was at that moment that it sunk in....I am alone. I cried for most of the day. I pulled myself together long enough to go buy a coffee down the road, but when I got home, I cried again. Also the same day, I received an e-mail from Pat asking for his things back....he wanted to set up a time to come by my place. I ended up putting all of his things together in boxes for him in the afternoon and figured it would be good for me for closure. I cried hysterically the entire time. I managed to calm myself down for a bit by cleaning out my fridge (cleaning calms me down), but I ended up crying myself to sleep.
I can take a gander as to why it all suddenly set it. Sunday, Easter, was the first holiday that I spent alone, or single at least, in about 12 years. I had dinner with my parents and I sat next to my mom on the opposite side of the table than I usually sit on. I've sat in my spot my entire life for all special occasions. But now, logistically it makes sense for me to sit next to my mom and for my sister and her boyfriend to sit on the other side, one of them occupying "my" seat. It felt so weird. Anyway, it was that night that I had the dream. Today I had a hard time keeping it together. Pat is coming by tomorrow to drop off the key and to pick up his things. I don't want to be here when he comes, however I kind of have to be in order for him to pass me the key. Nonetheless I'm thinking i will ask him to leave the keys on the counter and leave the door unlocked. It's a secure building and most people do not lock their doors anyhow. I am not worried. I just don't think I can face him. The past 2 days have been the worst yet. Why??? Shouldn't it have been the first 2 days? Why now?
The worst of it is I'm not only losing a fiancé, I have lost my very best and dearest friend...the one who I always turn to and who has been there for me through thick and thin. Now I truely feel alone. I have no one who understands me quite like him.
So the question now in the back of my head is, have I made the right decision? I hate to second guess, I've been telling myself that I made the right choice for weeks. And now, all of a sudden, I am in so much emotional pain that I'm confused. My judgement is definitely clouded. I just want to crawl into bed and not come out for a few weeks....a sort of hibernation from my own life if you will. It's hard to love someone so much, yet feel that you cannot marry them. It hurts so much, I can't bear it, and I need to go to work everyday and put a smile on my face.
I should try to sleep at least. I am so tired. I haven't been sleeping well, and when i do I have vivid dreams. I just hope this gets easier...because right now it's just getting harder
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