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Back to reality, ouch.


Ralph

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Coming back to consensus reality was a rude awakening. I was a bit more off center this weekend than I realized at the time. Feel like I was supposed to remember something from the experience but it's like trying to recall a dream too long after waking up. It had something to do with how to stop acting out. It was the key to preventing the guilt.

I keep trying to will myself back to sanity but instead I find myself farther and farther away. Complicating the issue is that some of my daydreams are now quite enjoyable. Except aversion and attachment are two sides of the same coin. Both cause suffering.

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Well, and in my opinion, willpower is overrated.

Willpower got me into my marriage, and willpower kept me in it until I was fantasizing suicide. It's only when I cut myself some slack that I realized what the death thoughts were trying to tell me.

Granted, different situations in all sorts of ways. Just wanted to make the point that sanity often isn't in the direction that we will ourselves to go. Letting go can sometimes allow the compass needle to settle on a better direction.

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yeah i think the death thoughts are trying to tell me something too, just can't figure out what yet. Or not willing to make the trade off. When willpower keeps one from calling his professor an alien nazi from the future, though, it can be useful. :D

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