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Lunch


Waiting

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I had lunch with some x-co-workers today. One of them was really worried about me and she called my family. I though we would talk more about how I was, but we didn't. Everyone just acted like all was normal and it killed me. I felt so alone and like I had lost everything and they were happily carrying on.

I cried all the way home on the transit system.

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Waiting,

You know I can relate to what you wrote. Many times, people either don't want to get involved in another person's stress, as they are dealing with their own share of stresses and trying to find solutions to their own problems rather than someone else's.

But MOST of the time, WE feel everyone around us KNOWS we are going thru 'stress' and can 'tell' by looking at us. But in reality, they MAY NOT even realize others stresses. OR WE just honestly don't SHOW the stress though we FEEL it inside. Its hard to explain but I understand exactly how you are feeling.

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Thanks SW. I think it is more that they didn't know how to help. These are all people I call friends and all but one knows all that I am going through and the stress I am under.

I am not upset at them. I appreciate them for coming t lunch, but sadly I still felt like shit.

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The fact is, only a person who has gone through a similar situation as yours, will understand your pain. What you said is right about friends may want to help but don't know how.

The feeling of 'shit' (trust me I've been going through it for way too long now) is a part of the healing process. My husband has moved on but I cant and it hurts like hell! My psychotherapist says 'the feeling of shit' is the grieving process after a breakup and its necessary. The grieving occurs (feeling of shit and low self esteem) because its the 'death of your dreams'. Its equated with extreme loss and akin to someone close to you dying as it is the end of a close relationship for whatever reason.

You will get over it! I hope you are seeing a psychotherapist to help you deal with it and see things more clearly.

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Death of my dreams sound quite accurate to me. I wrote a poem in which that was the central theme and I will post it at the end here.

I have an appointment with a therapist for May 12.

Nightmare of a dream

I am the nightmare that a dream is having.

Nothing seems real or temporary or permanent.

Just dream time.

I am a nightmare who's dream has died.

There s nowhere to return too.

I am trapped.

I am a nightmare seeking a dream so that I can wake.

Can a nightmare dream?

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omg!!! You just spoke my heart. I keep saying to myself that this is the worst that can happen in life, nothing can get worse than this. This is the worst nightmare I have had in my life!! Since nothing can get any worse than this, now things will ONLY go uphill after hitting rock bottom. Your poem very well portrayed my heart's echo as well.

After feeling what you have felt, I went on a vacation with a close cousin and came back feeling much refreshed and better for sure.

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Theres a part of me that wants to hold back to him... but I know it wont happen. At the same time, I know its over and I have to move on... Only problem is, I havent yet accepted it! I guess when I actually see him with someone else, I may be able to move on even though it will break my heart. I want him to move on.... sounds strange but its true. Till then I feel trapped in my own sorrows.. of the death of my dreams.

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I know what you mean about not being able to let go. In my case i am not convinced on even an intellectual level we are done. There are too many other things involved in this. So I am completely incapable of letting go. I try and try and try, but I can't and to be honest I don't want too.

My life feels very much like a nightmare and the dream is no more.

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She did leave me. The pain and stress was just too much. It is brutal to see your partner go through so much and not be able to be there with them. She also had to be a witness at my trial to be used against me.

She became far less an emotional person and now works on rationalizations. She left me 6 months ago, but I found out three weeks ago.

I still can't legally talk to her, until my trial is done. I won't beg,I need her to do what is best for her. Her happiness is paramount for me.

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Hi SW,

It is a long story, but it boils down to I fell in love with someone who was over the age of consent and yet not 18. We fell in love after becoming best friends supporting each other with depression. She is a friend of my son's and there was no professional involvement and beside I am a computer guy. We both wanted to explore the relationship and looked into the law and felt it was fine. We were together for a year and a half. Two weeks before she was 18 we were going on a trip to China for her to visit the maternal side of her family that her father had cut her off from. We were stopped by US customs. They called the police and the police arrested me. The charge claims that she was dependent on me due to our helping of each other. In the case of a relationship of dependence the age of consent becomes 18.

We had a wonderful relationship. We helped each other so much. We had so much in common and wanted to be together for ever. Because of the charge she was forced to leave our home,her home. We were not allowed to talk to see each other. I also was fired.

Over a year after my charges we were caught together, from a rational point of view this was foolish of us, but it was so hard on us both.

That was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. My partner could not take it anymore. She shut down her emotions. She stopped loving me. She could not live with everything going on with the person she loved. She was the star witness that would be used to put me into prison and she was not optimistic I would be found innocent. She left me.

She was the light at the end of my tunnel.

I am lost.

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I'm sorry to hear that you are hurting. By now she must have crossed 18 and surely allowed to take her own decisions! Do her father or police have a say in her personal affairs now?

If shes your son's friend, I'm wondering how your son has taken all this?

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She is 19 now and will soon be 20. She lives on her own now and the police never had any say. It was a bail condition on me that keeps us apart.

My son was good with the relationship and took our breakup somewhat hard.

I feel there is some chance we will reconnect, but she is convinced we do not. I think she is protecting herself, but it has been a long time and a lot of stress and she had to take care of herself.

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