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I don't know how


Waiting

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This the first time writing on a couple of days. Things seem to be far less a roller coaster ride and am just feeling shitty all the time. I think I need to sleep better and I am trying, but it eludes me. I am achy almost all the time now. My guts are off and I feel ... I don't know how I feel.

I started to write yesterday and stopped, because of this. I don't really feel lonely, but I do feel alone. I feel defeated, not in the sense that will curl up into a ball and surrender, but just ... blah.

I am not being clear, because I don't know. My anxiety is back. i feel a bit better when I talk/write/chat with to people, but it doesn't last.

I am still trying to focus on accepting, but it seems to no longer work, but I won't give up. I don't know how.

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You are correct. There two sides to my mind. The intellect and the emotional. The intellect knows there is hope. The emotional side is hopeless.

I am beginning to get there. Before I decided I needed to accept that I will be her friend and see what goes for there. I have added I need to be more selfishly focused on me. lets see how that works.

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:D ...

I've ready the blog entries from the recent days. I'm sorry... And I'm sure you grew also in other ways (not only "realized what you want from life"), that you don't realize yet. And there is still a huge place for further growth, in this huge sorrow... I know it's often painful to grow, I know... :(

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Hi Lala, maybe I don't know what to grow is.

I think I am also learning I need to be more focused on myself. This seems odd to me, because I don't think I am that altruistic.

I think what I am learning is that I have been living my live through others motivations. My depression that formed with my wife deprived me of desire to do much of anything. When I became friends and then partners with my x-gf. I began to love many things with her. These were not things I simply put up with. I truly with her loved doing them. After we were separated I have put my life on hold, waiting for us to be together and now there is no us.

I need to seek enjoyment for myself. I know that now. I don't know how yet, but I need to. That I guess is how I must grow. I know I used to do these things until my depression kicked in. The depression is very much a serious complication here, but I think this is where I must go. I need to somehow defeat both of these at once.

My reflex is I need another relationship, but it seems that would be the wrong way to go. First initiating it scares the shit out of me and second it would put me back where I was.

I know where I need to go even if I have no idea where that is or how to get there.

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I agree with your goal - seeking enjoyment for yourself! Yes, it's so incomparably easier with somebody you love, but it's very important to learn to do in on your own. I see it's hard and the way is too hazy, but I believe you're the kind of man who's able to achieve it :D.

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I recall explaining to my separated wife that a person can not be a really good parent unless they are happy. I guess the same applies to relationships. The funny part is I was happy with my gf. I realize I was happy if she was and I was happy to fill in my time when she was away. I really was. I realize that was not the best either, and trying to organize the thoughts of an anxious person is not an easy task, even more so when they are depressed and have gone through so much.

One step at a time.

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I see you as someone who is growing a relationship toward life, Waiting. You are honest with yourself. You make yourself available to people here when you share in their pain or work with your own. You do not judge people. That is more than just filling time.

What were you like as a boy? What made you happy?

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I think maybe I am just too close to my relationship with my x-gf. It was so amzing that I feel nothing with match it.

When I was younger, I used to walk i the woods, climb trees, sailboard, camp, write, ride my bike, read, learn and play games. I kept at many of these things until my marriage began to fall apart. After it did then most fell away and I played games to escape. After my charges I played games to distract. Now I don't want to escape or distract and so I can't play them much. am really trying to break out of this.

That and it is really hard for me to get past the loss of my relationship.

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Waiting, do all the things you used to do when you were younger... walk by the woods, climb trees, sail, camp, write your thoughts (it works wonders, both the good and bad times you spent with your ex and read it out to a psychotherapist) I didnt believe in this earlier but now that I did, I feel much better getting to hear an expert's view on it. Dont escape your thoughts, acknowledge them but also think that now you have time for "ME TIME". Focus on yourself, your health, your well being. Value yourself as a person if you want others to value you.

I have been through what you are going through and it still hurts like hell but the psychotherapist visits (just 2) helped me 100 times more than I could have helped myself.

All the best to you!

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Thanks again SW,

I do write out my thoughts. And have tried to do some of the things I used to do when I was younger, but rarely can motivate myself to do them and when I do it doesn't help.

I try to focus on myself, but my thoughts will always drift to her. Everything sooner or later returns to her. I am doing my best to stay healthy. I am forcing myself to eat, but am still losing weight. I try to walk 2 km every day, but often don't succeed.

I value myself very much. I feel I am a good, smart, likable person. I am a good father. It is I just have been made to feel powerless in all of this. There is little I can directly do and everything for two years has gone against me.

I hope my therapist can help me. I hope my wounds begin to heal. I hope that something will go my way. But I don't expect it. Expectations have torn me apart so for now I avoid them.

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