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Going nowhere


Waiting

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I feel I am going nowhere.

Yesterday after a lunch with friends, I crashed and that after that began to feel better. Better than I had for days? I am losing track of time.

I felt goodish in fact.

This morning I am back where I have been for days: Achy, nauseous, minds spinning like a hurricane.

I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop the analysis of everything know about her, the situation, things she has said and trying to divine my future. I know I can't. I know I must accept. I know I must escape this rut. But knowing is not doing it.

I hate waiting. I have been waiting for everything for almost two years. I am held back from everything. I am losing everything.

Or more I have lost it and can not do anything to get it back.

I am so tired of feeling like shit.

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Here is one possible view: you are heavily identified with yourself as your ex's boyfriend. You are many things besides that, but that part of you has taken you over. And at the same time, that part's very existence is extremely threatened because she broke up with you.

When that highly traumatized part, boyfriend, gives out with utter fatigue, you feel kind of ok. But then he wakes up again and his horror is the same.

Waiting, I am sorry for your pain :(

Is there any way for you to explore other parts of you right now? It is not healthy for anyone to only have one identity or one role, especially when it is completely dependant on another for it's existence.

Even if by some miracle you do get back together later on, you need to know that there is more to you perhaps...

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Thanks Finding my Way,

I am not sure how to approach this. There is certainly something to what you have said. I am very good with me in general. I know I am smart, kind, nonjudgmental, capable, creative, resourceful, funny etc.

I think maybe it is a bit more than the loss of my girlfriend. I have lost much in the last 2 years.

My job and maybe my career.

My financial independence.

I have been at the mercy of my employer, my union, the police, criminal courts, lawyers, family courts etc etc. I think in many ways I feel my all power has been stripped from me.

I lost my girlfriend.

I lost my best friend.

These all add up and I think that cumulation is the traumatized part. The part that can help people is still here and I am trying to focus on that.

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Yes. That certainly adds up to a lot of trauma, Waiting :(.

I guess out of an attempt to care for yourself, can you take one step back from boyfriend? I do not mean deny him in any way. I mean take a step back to look on him until you can breathe some compassion into the situation. When you are completely blended with him you won't be able to heal I don't think... you won't be able to see what is next for you. It's a subtle thing to try and describe...

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I have been trying something along that line, but what I have found it is more about stepping back from the loss. It I step back to being selfless then the losses don't effect me so much and my anxiety stops. I still seek jobs and obviously wait for things to complete, but I don't feel the loss.

Other than that I don't know how to step back from being the boyfriend. Maybe you could advise. I tend to be a very different person and some things obvious to others re not obvious to me and vice versa.

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I mean I need to focus on something other than me. I could be people here, it could be my kids, it could be another motorist or it could be my girlfriend in the sense of helping her. It means anything that doesn't involve what i have lost or am missing.

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i guess not. Not sure what my needs are. I keep thinking on them in terms of things I have lost. I feel like I have lost my life to a large degree. I have my kids, myself and my family. I really wish I had a job and I am trying to get one.

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You have your you, your personality, your resources, your heart, your senses, your breath, yourself as compassionate witness to a very great pain that becomes a compassion to a very great pain suffered by many people this very moment and throughout time and beyond that there is the unknown.... and it is our nature to fear the unknown and to think the worst in our imaginings, but that does not mean the unknown contains only bad things... those are just the contents of our fears and that too we could unblend from and look at with a bit of compassion.

I'm probably just sounding overly positive to you. I just see you suffering so right now and am trying to pass on some of what others showed me, but I know it will take you finding what works for you.

I am wishing you peace tonight, Waiting, even for a moment. :(

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Thanks Finding my Way,

I don't think you sound overly positive and I appreciate your efforts very much. I shall keep kicking at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight.

Thanks again and be well.

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Waiting. Yes - I think it is the cumulative effect. I am going through the same thing. Sometimes think I should have the same screen name as you:rolleyes:. The ONLY thing that has worked for me is distraction. I'm NOT feeling good right now. I may have just lost a good friend today because of something I handled badly. He has been a huge distraction for me. Got me out of myself, made me laugh again, supported and accepted me. So now, I am back here at the MHN site, trying to re-connect with humanity, to try to help somebody else out if I can. Anything to stop me from going back to that hell-hole I was spinning in. I think I'll go watch a movie now. Any time you need to talk, you know where to find me.

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Thanks Athena. Remember I am here for you as well. I am sorry you feel you have lost a good friend. I think you may judge his reaction more harshly than need be. Depression does that to us.

I am seeking distractions, my my normals ones have been failing. I need to beat my anxieties into submissions even to do that, but I am getting there. I am winning. Slowly but surely.

I hope you enjoy the movie and you know where to find me as well.

(A reminder that I am in dial-up land and not on much until tomorrow night though.)

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I know you're not around right now but I just needed to talk, even if it's just black type on a white page for now. My friend (understatement as it's more than that) has PTSD and I just triggered it so I get to spend Easter alone. Sometimes I find another's PTSD difficult to deal with. After all, it's in the past. You and I get to live our traumas in the past, present and future and we keep "waiting" for things beyond our control to change. I don't know about you, but I think i have another category of mental anguish - CTSD (current traumatic stress disorder).

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I am sorry you are spending Easter alone. I guess CTSD is a good description of where I am. My anxiety is around "reliving" my current state over and over. And my freind's reaction to the same is what has broken us up. I hope in both our cases our friends can get past it. I am afraid my friend will not.

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Waiting, Athena,

I have a moment for this site now, I'm reading your blogs and some posts on the forums, ... and don't know what to say; just want to send you some hugs... :(

Hugs,

L. :(

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