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Numb


Waiting

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I have not posted for a couple days.

When I wake in the morning I feel achy and down, with anxious thoughts in my head.

I struggle to calm my anxiety and to relax and all I end being is numb.

I am a man resting on a tiny ledge on the face of an endless cliff. To an outsider it is a terrifying place to be. To me is is better than anything I can see. I am not clinging to the cliff and I just don't care anymore.

I want to care. I want to hurt. I want to climb. I want to get somewhere. I want to have hope.

But all I have is a sheer cliff that goes off endlessly and a tiny ledge to rest on.

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Been There Waiting. And in some ways I continue to stll be there. WE Need to StAY On That TINY LEDGE & Rest Whenever NEEDED. CONTINUE To BELIEVE & CONTINUE To Have HOPE. I know my Words May Not Help but Man we just need to Continue to Support One Another through ALL this B.S. We Both Know there is Beauty in Those Mountains & Meadows as we Walk away From that Cliff. It's Still There........

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Thanks Vett. I know they are still there. I have been climbing for almost two years and I have not gotten anywhere and in fact I lave lost more.

No child support after three years even in court, because the judge needs to be sure it is a safe home for the kids. There was an investigation into that by the CAS and they had no issues.

No ordered sale of the matrimonial home. Even though have the value is mine and I have supported the kids for three years +. The court listens to my wife's tale and does nothing.

No financial settlement.

No job. I have been close. Two died because of my charges. The rest due to my experience being only in policing who will not hire me.

Not going to get my job back. My lawyer says I am trapped in a procedural cage and I will not get it back. He said the lace to have gotten it back was through my union who dropped my case and I can't force them to do anything as they did the bare minimum they needed too.

I have a criminal record for what people say was a lapse of judgement. Again bail conditions I saw my girlfriend. We had been part for over a year. We both were shattered. We were each others love. When I ask anyone who says it was a lapse of judgement what would they do if they were ordered from their partner of wife for so long and they needed them. They inevitably agree you can't just ignore their pain.

And beyond all these things I lost the reason for it all. I lost the light of my life. I lost the person who was like a floodlight in my life of darkness.

Now I am in the dark and everything has been taken and I just can't see it coming back and I am not done waiting. I have some "hope" of things. I have some hope of monies for my firing. Hope of moneys from my divorce. Someday.

I would trade them all for her. I would trade them all to undo the pain that split us.

I have some hope I can reunite with her, but that hope screams through my mind. I can act yet. I can't even be her friend again. I must again wait.

I am fucking tired of waiting only to get nothing and delays and more delays.

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Understood. When my Ex Left & Took the Children & I Lost House & was Accused Of Being A Abusive Husband & Father. Basically I Felt Like 4 People Died at One Instant in My Life. And I have Been Dead Since.

Its Been Over Seven Years Now; & Even Longer Than That for Other Bullshit; Her Affair.... Name It. Now Screwed Again from My Retirement Which Is Gone. And Now I owe IRS to Boot. She Screwed Me Again & My Oldest Did'nt Help Matters. But Other things have started to Slowly Come around. So I can Continue to Hope & Try Or Give Up.

Im Still Hoping & Trying. I hope you Do the Same.......

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I am really sorry for all that has happened to you.

Well I am still trying, I am not sure I know how to give up.

Hope is another matter, I am afraid to hope. Over the last 2 years all my hope has been frustrated. I am scared to hope and be disappointed again.

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Thanks SW.

I had a therapist before the new year, but left him because he was not a good match. My trial was approaching and so I don't bother trying to get another. Everything has been delayed over and over and then I found my girlfriend left me. Since then I have been trying to find one. It is hard with my depression and due to the fact I have no money because I have been unemployed for two years. I have an appointment coming up in about two weeks. That seems like forever.

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Waiting, I'm sorry to hear about the financial strain on you. I had quit my job while my divorce was going on as it was very painful! I've been home for exactly 6 months now dealing with my own depression and a major mental low (feeling like Im trapped in bad circumstances). Luckily I am interviewing for other jobs now and something should come up hopefully. Pray for me! I shall pray for you too. I hope you deal with your depression too. Its natural. Even I'm depressed... luckily not financially but I know I need a job soon.

The sooner you see the therapist the better for you to get over your stresses. I didnt agree with everything my therapist said. In fact, she ticked me off a bit by saying that I advice people and they may not accept it. But I thought I should take the points that would help me in my healing and ignore the others. The points she said that were helpful were what to expect after the breakup of a relationship OR the stages of grief -

1) Shock and denial (that this could have happened to me), 2) Anger (Why me!?!)

3) Bargaining (trying to patch up or fight in your ex. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

4) Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, mourning the loss, feeling shitty and low self esteem. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb. Perhaps feeling suicidal.

5) Acceptance - Realization that its over and finally letting go.

Trust me, its not easy. I'm myself going through all this right now. But its natural and should be allowed to experience. You cant hide from it or cover up for it or else it slows down your healing process. That's what the doc told me. I'm actually having a hard time telling anyone I'm divorced yet. I havent accepted it myself yet!

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Thanks SW,

I have interviewed for jobs. I have been denied because my experience is not in their industry or because of my criminal issues.

I do feel I am trapped in bad circumstances. I have been to a number of therapists before and yes I don't agree with all of them and not all have been good for me.

I am unsure where I lay in that series of steps. I can see elements of almost all of them.

1. I am in shock, yes, but not really denial unless my assessment that there is a chance for us, but to be honest, I think there is.

2. I am not normally angry but it happens. When I do it at the criminal charges that led to all of this. Not what I did, but the absurdity of it all.

3. There is an element of this.

4. I have this but I was already depressed, but it by are worse now. I feel lost, alone, powerless. I am not suicidal, but then again I never had been. I think I would have been otherwise.

5. I am trying for this for elements of my situation, but it doesn't stick.

I don't hide my feeling from myself, my family or my friends.

3.

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I guess talking would help. I'm not sure what situation you went through and I'm no expert to help you with this. Getting professional help may be helpful is all I can say.

Hope you are able to resolve your stresses soon.

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Thanks for all your help SW.

Talking helps me at least in the short term and I hope therapy helps me more. It is a couple of weeks off which will feel like a couple of months.

I am happy to explain anything you would like to know, but I don't expect and answers. I am not sure there are any and that is just a matter of time. I just know how depressed, lost and alone I feel.

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