Past few days have been really busy, so I think just having the distraction helped me stay in the present. Now I need to focus on more individual stuff and it hurts again. I don't know how to relate to other people. There is something wrong with me that whatever is going to push people away is going to be the first thing I decide to do in a social situation. I have enough emotional intelligence to understand what I'm doing wrong, but not enough to know what the right thing to do is. Humans are social animals so it is impossible not to seem weird or dangerous if you're a loner. Especially as an adult male.

I don't even want to be a loner anyway, it is just that most people don't understand me and I don't understand most other people. The only ones I really get along with are my drug addict itinerant musician friends. A scene I am trying to rise above because I know I could do better. Starting to wonder what difference it makes though.

Update few hours later - now I'm not as disturbed as before. I think I got caught up in aversion to what's going on. Then I relaxed and realized I can tolerate these unwanted thoughts without making it worse freaking out over it. In other words there are weird thoughts going through my brain that don't seem to belong, but I'm just trying to get around them not push away.