Hi!

OH HI!!!

Yes, I am back. Yep it's been a while. Hum, where to start?

Well, yesterday I was just reflecting that despite a lot of things that haven't gone so well this year, well, I feel GOOD. Ah!

What has happened? Or what hasn't happen?

Well, let's start with what's happen: In a nutshell, I still have the same job. And it's gggggrrrreeat! I absolutely love my boss. I think it's truly the first time in my life that I feel like my boss is my friend. I make mistakes, and it's OK! Reeallly! We argue sometimes, and it's OK! I make good progress on some project and I get a Hoooorraay! So. I like it. Never mind that it's not in my field.

I still do stuff in my field, what my 'trade' is... And it's mostly ok. Sometimes frustrating, but still ok.

What else? Mmm. Well. I had depression, again, starting around the holidays 2010. Alone. Lots of problems getting out of bed... you know the routine... And, I called my mom. Crying. ugh. She was sonewhat helpful... But then my brother called! Jeez. I hadn't talked to him in a million years. He said, T, I think that you need help. He was so gentle and loving. He was genuine. So I went to my doc... well, ok, it took 2 months to get me there. Got back on the meds and slowly climbed out again.

Now I am ok again. I feel good again. I am trying to reflect on what led me to the dark place again... and, it's a few things. It's partly, working, working, working. Then helping, helping, helping a friend. It was feeling that I still think a lot about my ex , but now feel a bit rejected...as he as a new circle of friends helping him a lot, and I feel like an outsider, even though I feel very close to him... this is me being confused about where I stand. Feeling guilty of not being there enough, then rejected...

And helping this friend who is in a bad situation with her two toddlers, in a middle of a divorce. And this has taken quite a bit of energy out of me. It's brought me a lot of joy too, but, as my friend M says, I sympathize too much and do not empathize enough. LoL, I don't even know what that means! I'll have to look it up!

What else? well, I am still overweight. and. oh dear. I started smoking again. That is what I feel most guilty about. This addiction that grabbed me again. It's been almost four months now. Working on it again. Sighhhhhh.

So, back to yesterday. Reflecting on how, even though depression visited me again, I am still single, overweight, smoking, overall, I feel strangly ok with all that. I've sort of come to term with it. As I know I will work it out. One thing at a time...

Then today. ahhhhh today. It was a pretty good day... until the evening when I went for dinner with my friend A and wasn't quite demonstrative of my joy that she found a new guy. All because as she showed me back and fro texts from her and the new BF, I didn't get why she was giggling so hard at his last post which said: "I am at the bar watching the game wooohooo". I just said what is so funny? Not in a rough or irritated way. I just didn't get the joke. Honestly.

Anywayyyyys, after I got back home, I get a text from her saying that she doesn't get me sometimes, how I seem to 'always' be upset when things go well for her with a guy

The thing is. It's not the first time she has thrown me a weird curved ball like this. Where, as I analyze my behavior, I find that, I did nothing wrong. Except maybe not being as Wooooooohooooo every single minute she feels wooooooohooooooo. I mean, most minutes I do, but, this one minute, I didn't get the meaning of the text, so CLEARLY, I am an A**H***.

So, there I am. First confused, Looking at the weird text she sent for a few minutes. Then calling her to see what the heck happen there but she doesn't answer

You see, the problem is, I don't have that many friends to spare. So, yes, I feel trapped. She is great fun, full of energy, has tons of friends, always doing this or that... So I guess, I want to be part of this too. But, the thing is, I am kind of the Tuesday night friend. You know, the one you call when you're lonely and have nothing better to do...Might be in my head but... mmmmwell... It's debatable.

So. Afraid of loosing a friend. A Tuesday night friend. I don't confront. I apologize. Urgh.

Really, what is to be learned from this is: I need some assertiveness and boundary class big time here.

All I'm thinking of saying to her is "Jee A throw me a freakin'bone here!"

I am older. Yes. And I come from an abusive, semi-dysfunctional family... What I am trying to say is, I've come to realize recently, that I don't know what to do when my boundaries are being trespassed. I seriously don't. I just know how to feel guilty. The difference now is that I know this! So, the next step is to learn it! Never mind that I am 40. Ah! Never to late to show this old monkey a new trick.

Well, maybe I will loose a friend. Or maybe I will distance myself from this. Right now, my well being is more important. My self respect. I respect you. Respect me too. I have boundaries and you will not pass GO and not collect $200. I will be gentle. I just will not allow to get so upset for no reason. I am a good person. I do not need a friendship if it's going to be abusive.

The things I've learn in the recent past is, well, I don't have enough energy anymore to care too much about what others vengeful, demandipants, life-sucking people have in their back pockets to crush my own joy. I will go on. On my own if I have too...

But I know I wont be alone. I know that because I am a good person. I can make new friends.

Well, talk to me. Whether you think I'm out for lunch, or you have some tricks and tips, or something...

Peace

and I hope all is well for you.

– T