I seem to have more PTSD than I let on about. Goddam I thought I was done with this shit. I want revenge so bad and it has caused me to become such a negative person. I mean, I've always had a dark side but everyone does except the saints of this world.

Yet I used to be a very positive person. It started with my mom's visit. The nightmares came back even before she arrived. Now I'm in full on flashback mode and the only direction in my life seems to be either beat the shit out of him or kill myself. My career seems like a joke next to revenge. He beat children. Now those children are adults. He should learn to fear us like we learned to fear him.

It doesn't matter, does it? I'll just take my meds now and be a damn zombie tomorrow. Suicide in my own, socially acceptable form. Kill the emotions and leave the body alive. I don't even know who I am right now.