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I'm not okay but it's going to be okay


Ralph

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I've been lurking a lot lately because I don't think I am helping much by writing in the threads. I try to help but I think I am too direct in engaging the topic at hand while being blind to the subtle context underlying it. So for me, I think the right action is to read others' suggestions, since many here are going through similar issues. I am grateful for the community in having nice people who can understand.

Feel suicidal and not suicidal at the same time. It depends on how I look at it. If I ask is there any reason to live the answer is no. If I look at methods though then I don't want to die. It's not being dead that scares me, I want that. I just don't want that last awareness at the end of knowing I am bleeding out & won't survive. That is just one area of my life. There are other areas as well that are turned over with inconsistency and confusion. So many thoughts running around in my head that I can't keep them straight so one moment I will be thinking of interview questions I need to practice and before I finish that thought I start thinking about when am I going to exercise. It's like the channels are changing so fast I cannot form a cohesive thought, and I get nothing done. I used to be so much more efficient. I wonder how it got off track like this. I feel my life has been a waste.

Yet it's going to be okay because I am starting to feel more connected with that past part of me that had drive and ambition. It's just buried under a lot of shame, guilt, and regret. If I can get through that then I will start accepting myself and feel free to go ahead and make a living somehow in the world. If I don't then I won't make it so I won't have to worry about it anymore.

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"Feel suicidal and not suicidal at the same time. It depends on how I look at it. If I ask is there any reason to live the answer is no. If I look at methods though then I don't want to die. It's not being dead that scares me, I want that."

Ralph, I am in exactly the same predicament. Outside of unacceptable methods, fear of death is another hindrance. I had a vivid nightmare I was in hell and it was SO MUCH WORSE. Can't get the images out of my head and they are from a year ago. So I guess we are stuck trying to claw our way out of hell on earth. On the bright side though we can stop worrying about stuff. If we don't make it, we'll run out of money and either starve or freeze to death. At least it wouldn't be suicide so perhaps there would be some hope for redemption.

Sorry so morbid. I probably shouldn't be posting in others' threads/blogs right now either. Anyway, just wanted to let you know you are not alone and I know how you're feeling.

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thank you. I'm sorry you can relate to this because it hurts so badly. I also have a fear of hell but also some defiant energy that says if I can't earn my way to heaven at least let me earn my way to hell. I'm too nonviolent though. My sins are sins of omission. I really doubt you could be too morbid for me.

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