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depressed


Ralph

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I know this will pass but I can't be arsed to do anything. I think I spent about 3/4 of the day in bed, not asleep but just not feeling like there is anything better to do. Except for going out and having sex with a stranger, which actually was great aside from feeling sheepishly guilty about it afterward. So in addition to being ambivalent about life, etc. I cannot decide if I'm a slut or a responsible long term monogamy type of guy. Maybe I'm just addicted to complications?

I am supposed to be job hunting and practicing for interviews. I have a second round interview for an unbelievably good job so every day I don't practice hurts my chances. That's me trying to motivate myself.

My constant waffling though is an issue in its own right. It's so goddam frustrating to start doing something only to completely lose interest partway through. My main intent in writing this is to refer back to it in the morning.

Will I be the same person or different then? I know I'm just being a giant flake but I don't know what to do about that, since I tend to flake out on the doing part of anything I try to get myself better. Maybe one goal at a time, but they are all related.

Physical health and sobriety are part of being sharp for the interview, but am I supposed to spend time finding a gym? Fuck I just can't get it all organized! I miss my boyfriend (with whom I'm in an open relationship so I wasn't exactly cheating on him) so much because he was the one who helped me keep all this together. I think tomorrow I'll break out some project mgt software to try and organize it.

Still the trick is getting and keeping the motivation to bloody well execute. That and figuring out how to stop being so self deprecative and unsure of myself. I know it annoys other people and I'm annoyed when other people act the same way. I'm too old to not be willing to take responsibility for my actions and to ask for what I want. Problem is I rarely even know what I want.

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May I suggest - find a gym. Book an appointment with a personal trainer. Go twice a week at the same times every week. Pick them right up front. Commit to three months - time to make it a habit and you won't have to make a decision on this for three months! You will feel and look better and the human contact would be good for you. Sorry if I sound bossy - but this is the number one best thing I did for myself the past year. Beats every single antidepressant I've tried. I'm now down to once/week with the trainer, but since he is a marathoner, he got me running again. No small feat at age 49 with two kids. Running shoes are a lot cheaper than a second session.

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No I don't take it as bossy. I totally agree. If you can do it at 49 w/ 2 kids then I can do it at 33 without. I need to find a gym ASAP. I've been thinking about boxing.

1. it is family tradition, golden gloves boxing and underground street fighting matches. It's in my blood. Boxing would be a way to contain the darker aspects such as the draw to underground/criminal activity.

2. There is a self defense aspect in overcoming learned helplessness. I need to have the prospect of someone literally kicking my ass to get me motivated.

I'm not sure how you picked up on the need for human contact but good call. This has been a problem for me lately. I plan to start running again, not sure if marathon is in my future but I'll start w/ 5K and go from there. Boxing is all of the types of sports together - endurance, power, and plyometrics. So I'd probably have to be at least a decent 10K runner to box effectively.

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No I don't take it as bossy. I totally agree. If you can do it at 49 w/ 2 kids then I can do it at 33 without. I need to find a gym ASAP. I've been thinking about boxing.

1. it is family tradition' date=' golden gloves boxing and underground street fighting matches. It's in my blood. Boxing would be a way to contain the darker aspects such as the draw to underground/criminal activity.

[/quote']. I think boxing would be great. I'd love to be able to do kick boxing or some kind of extreme martial arts. But this old body is just too beaten up to contemplate it. I think it would be a great outlet for my rage.

2. There is a self defense aspect in overcoming learned helplessness. I need to have the prospect of someone literally kicking my ass to get me motivated.

. Then consider your ass kicked. I'll be watching you.:P

I'm not sure how you picked up on the need for human contact but good call. This has been a problem for me lately.

Maybe something I recalled from your prior blogs. Or' date=' maybe the "sex with a stranger" comment.
I plan to start running again, not sure if marathon is in my future but I'll start w/ 5K and go from there. Boxing is all of the types of sports together - endurance, power, and plyometrics. So I'd probably have to be at least a decent 10K runner to box effectively.
START with 5k? You're already way ahead of me. Having said that, i've just come back from my 3 mile run. I challenge you to do a 5k today! Action. Action.
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FWIW a 5K is only 3.1 miles, so you're probably closer than I am Athena.

I went for a good 2 miles yesterday but came back with a side stitch that still hasn't quit. I think my form was bad and I shook my internal organs up enough to sort of bruise connective tissue or whatever causes that kind of pain. Oh well, live and learn.

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Never heard of that. Although, I keep telling my marathoner trainer I feel like my insides are falling out when he pushes me too hard. His sustainable pace is above my 100% level. Anyway, take it easy and work up to it. I have a nasty hip problem caused by interval training (sprint/walk cycles), which is apparently the most efficient form of exercise you can possibly do (unless you injure yourself). But I can't give up the running as it helps my back pain, circulation, energy and mood - just too much to give up. So I just try to take it easier now and have a visit scheduled with the pain Dr.

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